Hi, America, Mr. Evangelical here.
You've heard of the Ten Commandments. But now, God has shown the
human race, well, the American people in particular, a better way. In
my consultation with the Big One, He (yes, He's not a She) revealed
to me the reason why He and I had to find a better way.
This new way has everything to do with
the urgent need to overturn that demonic Supreme Court decision known
as Roe v. Wade, that vile ruling that legalized abortion in our
country some 35 years ago. I have suggested to the Almighty that His
plan of using the Church as "salt of the earth" and "light of
the world" has not been working very well. I also briefed the Good
Father that His strategy of preaching the Gospel to change the hearts
of people, so they can understand that life begins at conception, is
just too slow. Frankly, I told God that the born-again clan has
dropped the ball. Hence, we need now to look, not to Jesus Christ,
but to politicians who can bring about the moral transformation we
need to make every American voter a pro-life warrior.
From now on, this will be the plan of
salvation: If you are a politician, with a pro-life voting record,
then your life will be really easy as far as Mr. Evangelical and his
disciples are concerned. However, you must agree with the Almighty,
and sign a pledge, through me of course, that you fully support the
reverse of Roe v. Wade, so that abortion will become illegal in
America again.
If you are our kind of politician, then
here is what I'll give you: The Pro-life Sin Ticket. You have no idea
how powerful this ticket is. With the Pro-Life Sin Ticket, not only
are you bound for Heaven, you will have a catch-all license to break
everyone of the Ten Commandments. That's right: any of them! I'll
return to this point.
As a proud ally of Mr. Evangelical, you
are now free to connive with lobbyists and steal from the American
tax payers. With my Ticket, you are now divinely authorized to commit
all the corruption and ethical lapses you can handle. I won't hold it
against you. Neither will the Lord. Isn't that great?
If you are a married politician, with
the Pro-life Sin Ticket, you can cheat on your wife or husband. And
you can do so many times over. Why refrain from going after that
20-something you've been digging? If she loves you half as much as
you love her, let the flirting begin. You can start sleeping with her
any time you wish. You're even clear to swap your wife for that new
sex partner of yours. Adultery has no power against the Pro-Life Sin
Ticket. Add divorce to adultery, and you will appreciate the full
power of this new-found moral tool. Look, Mr. Evangelical will even
perform the wedding to your second, third, or seventh bride, if your
own minister, who is under that obsolete moral code, won't do the
ceremony.
You, young person may want to know if
the Pro-Life Sin Ticket is for you too. The short answer is yes, but
you must agree to side with me in the political culture war. For your
sake, O young ones, I am revising my stern stance on abstinence
education. Well, I will still sound that way, but not to worry. Now,
if you buy my all-season sin pass, I will relax the standards, so you
can start having sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend. That only
makes you and your family regular Americans like me. But no condom;
that's a no-no. And don't worry about the pregnancy that may result
from pre-marital sex. Just promise me and Father God that you will
keep the baby (remain pro-life, that is), and marry the father-to-be.
You're good to go; you're sin-free by my standard, and that's all you
need to know.
It is not possible to list all of the
sins covered by the Pro-Life Sin Ticket. If you can think it, it's
covered. Believe me, this ticket is like whole-life sin policy. To
put it another way, it's your full-coverage sin insurance. Consider
the Pro-Life Sin Ticket as powerful as the blood of Jesus against
sin. Well, almost. The only difference between the blood of Christ
and the Pro-Life Sin Ticket is this: the latter was designed for
politicized Christians in mind. And it remains the law of Heaven as
long as abortion remains the law of our land. Once Roe v. Wade
is overturned and the sin of abortion is no more, my unique sin
ticket will have served its purpose, and it will expire
automatically.
It is my firm belief, and God agrees
with me, that once that hellish law (Roe v. Wade) is outlawed, there
will instantly and miraculously be zero abortion across the fruited
plain. Yes, the abortion rate will suddenly drop to zero. Every
pregnancy will result in the birth of a baby. The Holy One has
assured me that every American will be pro-life the moment the
Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. Can there be any greater hope
for our beloved nation?
Some of you may be curious to know the
price tag of the Pro-Life Sin Ticket. The Great One won't allow me to
post the price for the general public. To know YOUR special price,
you must call the order line, or log on to order-your-sin-ticket.com.
The price I quote you may be different from the price another sin lover paid. Don't let that bother you. Just remember that no matter how
much you end up paying for the sin ticket, you will never regret the
price, since, except for abortion, it covers all sins anyway, including
every sin forbidden by the Ten Commandments – adultery (+ divorce +
remarriage numerous times over), covetousness (greed, corruption, the kind that threatens or destroys the economy),
murder (homicide), etc. You won't need to worry about the Ten
Commandments, as long as that sinful abortion law stands.
It may really bless your heart to know that I
have persuaded Yahweh (Jehovah) to fully sign on to my grand plan.
Yes, I have His signature to prove it, and I can wave the divine
contract at you, if you demand proof. The Pro-Life Sin Ticket is not
only God-send, it's God-signed, and you have Mr. Evangelical's word on it. Call or log on now to order. This thing is flying off
my shelves like vultures after dead flesh.
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