If you are any of these in the extreme, you are having a
difficult time in relationships, holding down a job, or enjoying life in
general. You have what's called "substantial role disability" (inability to
carry out usual activities). But most are not in the extreme. Nevertheless, most
people are not functioning to full capacity nor do they do anything to better their
lack of emotional health that contributes to a lack of greater success personally,
in relationships, and society.
According to experts, 85% of families are dysfunctional. However, if
you have built a genuinely loving relationship with your spouse or children,
you have accomplished more than most and are most likely not a part of the 50%
who end up in divorce, an frequent result of all that dysfunction. But what does it mean to "genuinely love"?
Genuine love entails having the best interest in mind of the loved one (spouse,
child), and to have the wisdom to know when to assert one's will to instruct
without being self-serving, to allow individual expression that enables the
loved one growth, to guide and not manipulate, to understand the loved one as
truly being an individual outside of any desire to live through him or her, and
to constantly use self-discipline in all interactions with a refined balance
between instruction, discipline, and giving of advice. Not surprisingly, few
have the discipline, regular self-analysis, patience, or energy to do all this.
But the biggest problem here is not in being perfect but in being
aware of not only what's required to be genuinely-loving but what's required of
us in healing ourselves that will better enable us to move toward not away from
perfection.
One of the greatest attributes needed for genuine love is
humility. This doesn't mean being a door mat but more so having a desire to
understand that you don't have all the answers and that your judgment call
might not be right, that adjustment's are needed, that listening with an open
mind is essential and even though you may think you know the other person or
what's best for him or her, you may not.
This may sound wishy-washy or not a valid approach,
especially in parenting children, but if you begin lying to yourself or your
children by claiming omnipotence then resentment builds and relationships break
down and, therefore, learning and growth.
But to be able to fully or better love our spouses and children,
it all begins with us.
Examining ourselves is the biggest challenge, for how often
do we criticize ourselves or allow others to criticize us? It's interesting to
note that as writers, business owners, investors, professionals, and so on, we
hire and look to coaches and advisers on a regular basis. But when it comes to
ourselves, how often do we seek outside help in bettering our shortcomings? We are like authors who write a book without any outside feedback, publish it and then are amazed that it fails miserably--so many seeing so many flaws. But
in order to be more effective parents and spouses, outside help is critical (this can come in the form of books, CDs, DVDs, friends, family, etc.). But far too
often we are perfectly happy in criticizing others before we work on or even take a good look at ourselves.
Criticizing others is easy, too easy, and often only brings
the same or worse results. Very rarely will children or spouse react positively
to criticism or what is often referred to by the dispenser as "constructive
criticism." What works better is example, suggestion, anecdote, rewarding or reinforcing
proper action, punishment, and so on. But it takes discipline and even planning
to apply these more successful methods.
By and large, however, people are prone to place blame in
one of two directions: inward or outward. The neurotic place most of the blame
on themselves, while the outward blame is done by those with personality
disorders. As a parent or spouse, if we do too much of one or the other, we
will not be successful in our relationships.
If you find yourself placing an inordinate amount of the
blame on yourself for what's going on in your life or the lives of your loved ones,
then you are leaning toward the neurotic. If you are generally feeling guilty,
sad, depressed, and find no one to blame but yourself this neurosis will certainly inhibit
good relationship building.
A cousin to the neurotic is the narcissistic who sees others
only as an extension of themselves; meaning, they can't see their spouse /
child as a physically separate being and reply emotionally inappropriate. But
whereas the neurotic will solely blame themselves, the narcissistic only feels
for the self. They don't react to how their child or spouse is feeling but how
they are feeling. If they are feeling good and the child is complaining about
being beaten at school, the narcissist will mention what a nice day it is and
how wonderful things are. Now, you may not respond in the extreme like this,
but if you have a difficult time connecting to the emotions of others this is a
problem that needs to be addressed.
The opposite of the neurotic is he or she who places blame
mostly or solely on others. This is labeled as a personality disorder. If you
know someone or are someone who always speaks badly of their spouse, child,
boss, neighbor, the person on the television, here is someone who is a polar
opposite to the neurotic. Once again, most are not extreme here but if you find
the blame going outward too often you need to be careful.
Some experts, like law-of-attraction experts, believe that
we are responsible for everything that happens to us. Albert Einstein stated
that "Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn
again to exercise his will - his personal responsibility." And from this
responsibility we learn to command ourselves to better aid those around us in
overcoming their difficulties. "No man is fit to command another that cannot
command himself" (William Penn). If we don't take all the responsibility upon
ourselves, then it is important to take a healthy does of the blame for how we
act upon the world in our thoughts, words, and deeds and how it responds to us
in kind.
For maybe we attracted that angry client because of our anger. Perhaps we crashed our car because of our dissatisfaction with ourselves projected onto others. Perhaps we married our spouse because he or she will punishment us for inappropriate guilt. On and on.
If we don't examine ourselves closely, thoroughly, and often we are bound for greater failure not greater success in all we do.
Being able to genuinely love begins with a lot of
self-understanding and continual self-maintenance, self-discipline, open
mindedness, and a good dose of good old attention to others through giving of the self.
Listening properly is the key or beginning to all that is right in building
relationships and coming to the aid of bettering the emotional and spiritual
well-being of all we have to capacity to love and care for.
God bless.
