"It is now obvious to our country and to the whole world that I was not your best choice for this role," Senator Joe Biden tells presidential candidate Barack Obama, at a secret meeting that Biden arranged just for the two men heading the Democratic ticket.
"It's already the middle of September, barely 50 days from Election Day, and every economic issue and social situation in the country is lined up in our favor. After what the Bush administration has got our country into -- the war in Iraq, the broken economy, 6.1 percent unemployment rate, the ravished financial sector, unprecedented foreclosures, rising cost of food and energy, the threat of global warming, and I could go on and on, as I'm fond of doing -- this should be Democrats' election to lose."
"Yet some of the polls have John McCain ahead of you. Even some states that we should be running away with are now in the toss-up column. It seems our only hope at this point might be all those felons that are being given back their voting rights in some states of the union. They'd better register to vote and actually show up to vote on November 4 th . Or may be our saviors will be those fired-up college students you brought into the political process during the primary season. You know? The cell-phone generation of voters that the out-of-date polling methods never reach."
"Look, Barack, I appreciate the high respect you have for me. And it's been a real honor stomping alongside you. Heaven knows I would have never seen this much national political exposure riding on my own status or talent. Thank you so much, my friend. If you want me to serve in your administration, I'll be more than glad to."
"What? Joe, what did you just say?" Barack Obama interrupts
Senator Biden apologizes, "Oh, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. The last thing you and I want is four more years of the Republicans, and right now that's where this train is headed. McCain made the best political move I've seen in years when he picked that Sarah gal. And now, look. Barack, don't you see that this trip was intended for you and a woman?"
"From my end, there will be no hurt feelings. So, don't even think about it. I've done my best in playing the attack-dog role of the veep, but there is one thing I just can't give your campaign, that which it needs the most and needs right now. And it's what Sarah Palin gave John McCain: electricity, energy, enthusiasm to whip up the base of our party. No matter how hard I try, my lengthy tenure in Washington, longer than even McCain's, just keeps getting in the way. We need momentum real bad, or else... Barack, hear me: You need to bring Mrs. Clinton on the ticket right this minute as your running mate. I want off, for the sake of our country's future, allow me to step down as of today. Call me chicken, but I'd rather roost than lose."
"But Joe, do you realize how I will look in the eyes of the American people? I've given them the impression that my strong suit is the judgment suit. If you get off the ticket now, I'll be seen as making a bad judgment call on my first major decision as our party's nominee: the selection of a veep. And now Hillary? How do I convince her this late in the game, especially after the way I shunned her the first time?"
"Don't worry about the Clintons. I've already approached the pair, and former President Clinton is all but doing flips, like a kid on the playground. I've never seen him so happy. They're all over it. This couple was born for politics, you know that!"
"OK, may be I see that," Barack hesitates. "But how do you or I tell our people this, seeing that we have such a short time to recover from any fallout this might cause?"
"We'll put out a press release. Then we'll call a joint press conference with Bill and Hillary Clinton, and I'll go first. Trust me, you're looking at a veteran."
"I'm curious to know exactly what you'll tell the world; I mean, tell America."
"Not as difficult as you think, Barack. Just chill, man. Will you?"
"OK, I'm cool. I'm all ears, and don't you take that literally now."
"Basically, here's my script: I am resigning. I relinquish my spot on the Democratic ticket to Mrs. Hillary Clinton, who deserves it more than I at this important juncture in our history as a nation. First off, you all know I've been in Washington for 36 years. Whereas that helped on the experience side of things, it has greatly undermined our CHANGE message ever since I came onboard. Secondly, my son is a lobbyist. Again that shoots our campaign in the foot, since we are the anti-lobbyist ticket, and I know how important the zero-lobbyist policy is to you, Barack. Third, over my political career, I have funneled as much as $342 million in earmarks to my home state of Delaware; that makes me too much of a typical politician, not exactly your agent for "change we can believe in". Fourth, since being on the campaign trail, some important family issues have come up. Let me add that this stunt will knock the wind out of John McCain's Sarah Palin move. This campaign will be right back to the issues."
"Well, if you put it like that, I guess we could pull this off. We should," Obama seems sort of relax now. "Anything else you'd like to say before we hit the press, Joe?"
"Just one little request: When, not if, but when you and Hillary ride on your high horse to the White House, will you please save the Secretary of State spot for me? That's really my dream job. Is that too much to ask of a good friend like you?"
"Nah, Joe; of course not. Not after this great sacrifice you're making to save me a spot right on top of the world. Count it a deal, but only if you promise me that Hillary is one hundred percent on board with this new game plan. I know there'll be some heat, but hey, I should be used to heat by now. Bring it on, Rush Limbaugh, Carl Rove, I'm ready."
"You have my word on it, Barack. We just can't take any chances getting John McCain and his Alaskan daughter anywhere near the steps of the White House. You and Hillary will do a hell of a lot better job. Best of luck my friend. Let's go get them!"
