Have you ever been told that you were being judgmental? Most of us have heard that from a spouse, teenager or co-worker. How can you work on this? The first step may well be to become less judgmental toward yourself. Then you can more easily improve how you handle others too. Do you have self-judging critical thoughts? Nearly all of us do. "I should have done that better." "I should never have said that." "When will I ever learn?" Sound familiar? Sometimes these critical thoughts can build up until they take over and we stew in a mood of self-blame. Some people avoid this by lashing out at others. "They are to blame, not me." Psychotherapists and self-help professionals offer us a myriad of solutions to our self-judging habits.
My favorite approach is by Tara Brach in her book, Radical Acceptance. She teaches how to accept yourself and forgive yourself of shortcomings. She advocates making use of your spiritual resources too. On page 260 she tells a story of a woman in a hospital dying of AIDS. She had been addicted to heroin and contracted AIDS from needles. One day a clergy person visited her. He noticed her emaciated state and asked how she was doing. She replied, "I'm lost. I've ruined my life and every life around me. There is no hope for me. I'm going to hell." He paused, then noticing a picture of a girl on the dresser, asked about her. The woman brightened a little and replied, "She is my daughter, the one beautiful thing in my life." "And would you help her if she got in trouble making mistakes? Would you forgive her? Would you still love her?" "Of course I would. Why do you ask such things?" "Because I want you to know that God has a picture of you on his dresser." The clergy person gave the woman the message that God has unconditional love for her. The implication is that she can accept that love and forgive herself. Can you also forgive yourself?
Every time you notice a self-critical thought, Tara recommends you say, "I forgive myself" for whatever the shortcoming is. Will this make you too tolerant of your shortcomings? No, actually the irony is that by forgiving ourselves we become more able to take action to improve our shortcomings. And when we progress from ourselves to others and offer them forgiveness instead of blame, they too will tend to relate better with us and maybe improve on a shortcoming.
At any rate, we can improve on lowering the amount of criticism we give ourselves and others. For more information visit our Eagle Alliance website. |
