I have written before how the daily board (E-mail file) at the paper is filled everyday with all kinds of inquiries. Sometimes there is a great local press release. Sometimes there is junk information or people trying to have me hire them to write about something no one ever heard of before let alone have any interest in.
The best ones however are the e-mails that sneak by our filters that are from less than reputable businesses or con artists sending out mass e-mails in an attempt to catch someone dumber than they are. Sometimes there is just something that is funny in them, although it wasn't intended to be by the writer. I have grabbed a few of the real laughers from time to time and dropped them in a folder.
Now to save time, I will just take small excerpts from these messages. The spelling is theirs, not mine, so don't send me a note correcting my English.
Dear sir, I am a Chatholic missionary nun dieing of cancer in Gutamala. I would appreciate it if you could donate money to me so that I can get out of this God forsaken country.
I want to place a 8 week add concerning my company offering to allow people to make upwards of $500.00 a day in their comfort of the own home.
According to our record, your American Express card had been violated by an unknown third party. We currently need you to verificate your information in order to stop this from happening further.
Enclosed please find my letter to the editor about my lousy neighbor who walks around half naked with only beer bottles. (I'm saving this if we ever do a joke page)
I am an attorney in Spain who is trying to find you to adjudicate (they spelled that one at least, except an attorney isn't a judge.) the will of a woman who listed you as her sole beneficiary. (This one is funny because it came addressed to "unknown mail recipient")
We are four Russian journalism students who would be pleased to write stories for your paper for a small sum. We will also take pictures for you if you send us a camera.
For sale: English sheep dogs. Send a $500 deposit to us at (Etc Etc) and we will then contact you for further payment and delivery of your dog. (This one has been coming into newspaper classified editors for years. I guess from time to time someone is stupid enough to send money)
Sometimes staff makes comical errors and here are a few of the best.
"Mike, here are this week's marriages and disillusionments" (rather than dissolutions, although I think the former might be better.)
Q. You keep telling me you have a post to do but all the file says is post.
A. That's the guy's name. Please post Mr. Post's garage sale.
From a friend in the business came this gem.
Q. I thought you said post in op/ed.
A. No it belongs in obit. The fact he is dead is beyond opinion.
I do have to include one little bit of office humor in this. When I was being taught how to post the AP articles, I at first watched looking over the publisher's shoulder. He then told me it was my time to try and with great concentration I sat down at the desk but couldn't get the mouse to line up on the first icon. Bursting into laughter the publisher told me to look at my right hand. I had my hand around his chocolate donut.
I'll keep saving these nuggets. At the rate they happen. It won't be too long for a sequel.
Freelance writer, columnist, author and writing coach, ex-Chicagoan Mike Fak presently resides in Central Illinois. More information about Mike's services are available at his home website www.mikefak.com
Mike currently writes primarily humor columns for searchwarp bi-weekly and is the managing editor of www.lincolndailynews.com
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