Very recently someone asked me to speak of my 'dis-ease' so that I might share some of the insights I've had with others who may also be suffering from some sort of malady. I responded by saying that I really don't like to talk about it, mostly because I believe that the more I focus on what's wrong, the more wrong I feel. I did, however, tell her that I'd find a way to share what I've learned in some way that didn't involve speaking of said dis-ease. And wouldn't you know it, as I pondered just how I'd do this, I had a moment of acute clarity about all of it...an epiphany, so to speak. While I may not wish to perpetuate this malady by focusing on it, I do very much wish to share as much as I can in order to, perhaps, help others to see their way back to wellness. To that end, I'll share this moment of clarity, this 'light bulb' moment, that seems to me to be an enormous step in clearing out the junk and moving on.
When this strange and troublesome malady began, I was the picture of perfect health. My body was strong, fit, agile. There was no warning whatsoever. So when it happened, it completely turned my Life upside down. I went from full-tilt 'active' to lying in the fetal position, sobbing from the pain of it all. I was confused. I was terrified. I was angry! Oh boy, was I ever angry. All the usual questions ran through my head as I laid there, all curled up in a little ball. How could this happen to me? Why is this happening? What did I do to make my body hurt so much? And on and on it went. I refused to buy into the many different diagnoses I was given. They were all over the place and none seemed to be remotely possible to me. No way, no how. In short, I was completely convinced that what was happening was a result of some inner imbalance...a body/mind/spirit that was fragmented by my negligence. I was ignoring my body's messages to slow down. I was running hard and fast, 24/7. I was, for all intents and purposes, completely abusing the vitality my body had always graced me with. I was a mess!
The other side of this was that while my body may have been a 'perfect specimen', my emotional, (or should I say 'core'?), Being was enraged. Not outwardly. In fact, most folks thought of me as an optimistic, happy person. This was all they saw because it was all I showed. I wore this facade so well that even I didn't know just how enraged I was. Sure, I'd had a pretty short fuse when I was younger, but I'd always attributed that to being my father's daughter AND to be Italian. You know those crazy Italians? Yep. Me too. So it was a bit of a shock when my older sister asked me one day, "why are you so a-n-g-r-y???" And the moment she asked the question, I broke down and cried like a baby. I had no idea why. I just was. I couldn't really put my finger on it. There was no horrible childhood or betrayed parental trust or anything like that. I was just pissed off and, as I thought about it, I had been for a very long time.
So, here I was, all curled up in excruciating pain with no apparent relief in sight. I tried all sorts of different remedies, ranging from meditation to raw diets to simply sleeping as much as possible. I prayed. I screamed. I begged. Nothing. NO relief whatsoever. And then...
I called my sister one day, certain that I couldn't take one more second of it. I was, for the first time in my life, considering how I might be able to just end it. This thought alone terrified me. I, Camille Olivia, "lover of life", was thinking about dying???? It scared me so badly that I called her sobbing, unable to even speak, and she immediately went into Healer mode. She spoke ever so softly to me, assuring me that 'we' would get through this. Assuring me that it was NOT my time to go..I still have much left to do. Little by little, I began to breathe again. I allowed her to calm me with her words, with her love. I gave up the fight and merely listened. When she was sure that I was calm enough, she offered this: "It is your rage, my sister. This thing that's happening is years and years of rage you held inside and now your body is responding to that rage. It's trying to help you let go of all that anger. Are you listening now?"
The moment she said it, I knew she was right. I knew that my body was burning up from the inside out. I knew that if I didn't let it go I was going to die. So began the next lesson. How to let it go. I didn't need to know why I was angry. I didn't need to place blame or find that 'thing' that caused all this rage. All I needed to do was let it go. Sounds pretty easy, yes? Well, not so much. When a person carries that kind of powerful emotion for all that time, it's a bit of a challenge to just let it go. But that didn't stop me from trying. And try I have. Little by little, I've found ways to identify the anger when it starts to rear it's ugly head, and stop it as soon as I feel it coming on. I stop, I listen, and I use kind words to assure my Self that I am loved, I am safe, I am well. Not surprisingly, the pain began to subside. In a very big way, I could feel the shift. It was working!
Fast-forward to this 'epiphany'. I'm in the kitchen, preparing dinner for my housemate and myself, enjoying the process of preparing food, when he begins to taunt me. (He has some passive/aggressive issues...but that's a whole 'nother story...) As he continued with his taunting I could feel that familiar heat rise up in my body. I identified it immediately, but for whatever reason, I just couldn't seem to stop it. I put down the knife I was using to cut the meat, grabbed my glass of water, and walked outside. I went down to my Zen garden and sat. I did my deep breathing exercises and stared out at the beautiful view in front of me. I closed my eyes and tried to think of 5 things I had to be grateful for. I used every tool in my box in an attempt to let go the anger. All to no avail. I was mad as a wet hen and there was, seemingly, nothing I could do about it. This made me even more angry. (go figure!) All this time, all these meditations, all this 'stuff'...and I'm back to square one? WHUT THE...?????? By the time night fell, my entire body was screaming in pain. Just a few hours earlier I was feeling pretty good. Then, just like that, POOF...huge, screamig pain.
As I sat there, feeling the pain and that all-too-familiar fear, I suddenly realized what had happened. I realized that the anger that I wasn't able to manage had caused the pain to return full force. I realized that by allowing some outside force to infringe on my state of mind, I'd given up the power to love myself to wellness. It was as clear as day. And right then, I laughed out loud. I let that laughter swell up and grow, louder and stronger. I laughed like I was insane. Because, at that moment, I was. I was crazy with relief. I was crazy with awareness. I was crazy with the power that I'd finally taken back. It was one of the most beautiful moments I've ever experienced. And at that precise moment, when I saw it all so clearly, the pain just went away. Not kidding. It was GONE.
Now, as I sit here attempting to share this story (without writing a novel!), I marvel at the simplicity of it all. I'm washed in the warmth of deep gratitude for the lesson that was so simple. Anger, no matter how we may try to hide it, is a result of either fear or judgement. When we can stop judging and stop being afraid of things that may seem threatening, we no longer feel anger. Anger, like guilt, is about one of the most destructive emotions we can punish ourselves with. And in the end, it will hurt us. It will hurt more than we could ever imagine. So now, knowing this, my 'job' is to recognize it and toss it to the winds. I don't need it any longer. I know, deep in my core, that as soon as I allow it to flow out, all of this...this dis-ease...will be gone too.
Camille Strate is a blossoming Being who spends much of her time writing, romping with her critters and occasionally crafting treasures from wood. Her latest book, "Whispers ~ The Often Subtle Sometimes Rowdy Voice Of Truth" is now available in paperback and eBook formats. For more information, please visit her site at: JoyZAChoice. Woodwitch.etsy.com
Really enjoyed your article, I could relate. Being Italian I know about that Italian anger, ok RAGE. Maybe there's an ancestral component to it? I know things were never boring, or quiet, when the family gathered.
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