I was busy at work the other day; you know, daydreaming, when the fire alarm went off. A very annoying and disruptive sound I might add.
However my cat-like reflexes and lightning fast thought processes kicked in to ensure that I was the first to run screaming hysterically down the stairs and out onto the street. I'd been daydreaming about running marathons anyway, which had prepared me nicely for just such an emergency.
I probably don't need to tell you that everyone in the building was very impressed with my reaction time, the intensity with which I could scream and my ability to take stairs five or six at a time.
The truth is I never take chances when it comes to fires, spiders or sales people. Which brings me to what happened while we were all milling about the street; talking about that crazy guy that went running through the offices during what turned out to be a fire drill.
I was hopping very patiently from one foot to another, waiting for someone to reset the alarm so I could casually and confidently rush back up the stairs to the toilet, when a woman approached me.
Now I've got all the time in the world for people, except the kind that want to talk to me about something. Sure enough this opportunistic lady was a sales person looking to bend my ear. More to the point, she was a life coach wanting to sell me on her particular brand of coaching techniques and services.
Being the good sport that I am, I tried to surreptitiously shuffle away from her while refusing to look her in the eye; to no avail. She was wise to the side-step and went with me.
I was a bit confused about why she'd approached me. Obviously I'm already a successful go getter with a positive attitude who inspires all those around him. In fact I literally exude power and confidence because as usual, everyone was standing back and giving me a respectful space on the street. Everyone that is, except this life coach who kept droning on about things I could do to improve myself, like using deodorant.
Well it occurred to me, there are a lot of people out there teaching sales techniques, life coaching, positive personal improvements and other equally useless skills, but there's no one doing what I do. And like a flaming light bulb falling from a burning building, it hit me. I can be a new kind of personal coach. I'm uniquely skilled, the first and only of my kind, in fact you could probably say I am the single, greatest hope of all humanity.
An annoying noise interrupted this revelation and I realized that the woman who had approached me was still talking about personal grooming and hygiene. Talk about a one-track mind.
With a slightly forced smile I let her know that I was already pretty well perfect. This really should have been obvious to someone claiming to be a "life coach". Then I returned my vast and powerful mind to the important task of visualising how my new career would pan out. Yes that's right, I started daydreaming again.
Of course, and as usual, my daydreaming was well suited to the situation for I'd decided that my new career was going to be in the one area I've always excelled; thus I was getting a good head start by daydreaming about being the first ever Day Dream Coach.
Now I've got hundreds, maybe even thousands of hours logged as an experienced and practiced daydreamer. So it seems to me that I'm perfectly suited to coaching others in the ways of personal visualisation; in teaching them the very techniques that I've spent so long mastering myself.
I don't like to brag, but I'm going to anyway.
When it comes to daydreaming, I'm a level ten Zen master who's gone double diamond with a twist of lemon. Through positive waking visualisations (I day dreamed up that phrase which just shows the power of daydreams) I've saved the world from countless invading aliens, created the most fantastic gastronomical delights, I've been a secret agent and got all the girls, made more money than even I care to image, and generally lived a pretty well rounded and balanced life.
The very least I could do, which is what I'm all about anyway, is help others realize their potential through the power of daydreaming.
Sure, it won't come cheap, but then anything worth doing is worth paying me a lot of money to do.
So if you are like so many other pathetic individuals in this world; without a purposeful life, down-trodden, a complete loser; I urge you to contact me about my powerful and completely safe daydreaming techniques.
These incredible techniques are guaranteed to help you visualise improvements in your life: you'll imagine you are more popular, stronger, taller, maybe even good looking and all for a low introductory price of "a lot of money".
I hear the questions echoing and bouncing around your empty and vacuous mind. Questions like "What if I don't have an imagination?", "Am I such a loser that even you the great Zen master of Day Dreaming himself can't help me?".
Fear not worthless mortal, your powerful and mighty Day Dream Coach has the answers or at least can dream up the answer for you.
However, upon further ruminations, I've decided rather than do something positive for you like teach you to do it yourself (which would take up a lot of my valuable time), the best way to help you is to sell you a three pack of my own tired, half-baked and used up visualisations.
Select from such titles as:
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The time I wrote that song that went to number one on the charts and stayed there for like a thousand years and everyone talked about it because it was easily the greatest song ever written
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The time I not only invented but somehow managed to manufacture all the parts needed to create a time machine and then used it to go back in time to fix everything I thought was ever wrong with history, yet amazingly didn't change the future so drastically that I had never not un-existed.
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Or perhaps my daydream just now where I was able to rewrite that previous sentence making it clear, concise and not needlessly full of double negatives.
So in summary; send me money if either your life lacks meaning or if it doesn't.
While I can't guarantee that I'll immediately (or ever) do anything to help you, I do give you my word, as the first ever Day Dream Coach, that I will immediately start day dreaming about what to do with the money you just sent me, thus furthering my already impressive portfolio of day dreams and increasing my potential earnings exponentially. It's a win/win scenario, both of them for me.
Now let's get to your first daydreaming lesson...
Close your eyes, now open them again so you can continue reading.
Relax, breath in and out a few times (it helps keep you alive).
Now visualise your hand outstretched while a cool breeze plays across your skin miraculously firming and toning.
The clouds above you part and the day brightens.
Birds start chirping.
Meanwhile the warmth of the sun soaks into your now youthful skin, providing both strength and nourishment that flows up your arm to what was until now a pale and let's face it, scrawny body.
Tighten your hand into a fist then open it again and you will immediately feel a strength and purpose you've never known before.
With a child's wonder you can now admire your smooth and revitalised palm.
Now imagine that from the sky, on a ray of sunlight, falling like a feather from heaven is a beautiful present replete with ribbon and card. It slowly glides and settles down upon your outstreched hand.
You open the card to find in bold letters the entire meaning to life and the universe.
It reads: Congratulations! You've just received your first three pack of daydreams from your official Day Dream Coach. Use them wisely and enjoy! P.S. Send me more money!
Now you see how worthwhile, important and valuable it is to send me the tiny pittance of an investment which will be barely equivalent to the mortgage on your home. Right?
I'll just imagine you said "YES!". Another happy customer!
(1 year 15 days ago.)
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