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Anger if managed properly and used to your advantage has
positive outcomes. But destructive, unmanageable anger has caused deep misery
and sleepless nights to countless families. Visit any jail cell, courthouse, or
hospital and you'll see victims of rage.
In my clinic, I've seen the scourge of anger almost daily.
And it's ugly. Facial scars and body deformities have served as constant
reminders of violence. Even in their sleep, anger emerges in the form of
nightmares.
Because of unrestrained emotions, families have suffered, mental
and physical health has declined, and peace of mind has vanished.
What are some ways to manage destructive anger?
Plan your action
Like going to a war zone or looking for a job, you need a
solid plan. Establish basic steps and practical strategies in handling angry-provoking
situations even before they erupt. So when a testy circumstance happens in real
life, you're ready.
What's your plan A? Plan B? Plan C?
For instance, if you expect that your wife will nag simply because
you're headed home at 12 midnight (when in fact you finish work at 4 PM!), your
plan A can include calling your wife before you arrive home and explaining your
reason for being late; bringing home a surprise bouquet of roses or chocolate
mouse cake. Your plan B includes listening attentively and patiently to your wife's
nagging. Even if it hurts, she deserves to be listened to and should be allowed
to express her speculations . . . and fury.
Know your triggers
Anticipate potential causes of your anger episodes, both
internal and external. Do you easily snap when you're hungry? Are you irritable
early in the morning? How about when you don't have enough sleep or you're in
pain?
Regarding external triggers, what's in the environment that
makes you feel mad? Is it your partner's snore or loud sneeze in the early
morning, unintentionally waking you up?
Is it your boss' demanding, nosy, and arrogant behavior?
Do you get upset when a TV show reminds you of past hurts
and betrayal?
Pause before you say
or act
Pause before responding to your triggers. Learn to count one
to ten. If you're still angry, count up to 100 or 200. Also, take a deep
breath. Release your anger and try to cool off before responding to avoid
hurtful words and devastating actions that you will regret later.
If counting or deep breathing doesn't help, stay away from
the source of anger. Rush to the bedroom. And while alone, unload your anger by
yelling, deep breathing, or punching the pillow. If you prefer to use the
bathroom as a refuge, take a quick shower or simply stay there until you feel
better.
Also, you may divert your attention by taking a 30-minute
walk or using your stationary bike. The possibilities are endless.
Assert yourself
Being passive doesn't solve the problem. And being
aggressive further complicates your life. The only reasonable option is being
assertive.
When anger is becoming unmanageable, promptly address any
boiling issues. Talk to the person who caused your anger or to the appropriate
individual responsible for necessary action. And focus on issues and not on
personalities. Before saying anything, establish an alliance. Be pleasant. Let
the person feel important. Through active listening, show that you're willing
to understand, that you care.
Let the other person know your issues and how those issues
make you feel. And then state what changes you want done.
In conclusion, mismanaging destructive anger spells doom
while managing it brings success. You have a choice.
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