An abusive marriage or relationship can mean many things. Emotional abuse can sometimes hurt just as badly as physical abuse. Stress from too many put-downs, too much verbal abuse, can make a person physically ill. Bruised self-esteem has the power to hurt just as badly as bruised ribs. And although a person may be told a thousand times, "get out of the situation"; they don't leave. Why? What makes a person stay with an abusive partner?
Although most cases of abuse are from the stronger, male member of the partnership; there are many cases where the man of the house is abused. And the abused person may or may not have been aware of the other member's tendency toward abuse prior to entering into a relationship. Most likely there were multiple red flag situations early on that were not recognized as such or simply ignored.
One very important thing a person should do is to not ignore these red flags if they become apparent before the relationship takes on the permanence of marriage. Some people stay in unhappy marriages simply because they don't have the strength of will to leave. Or maybe it is the admission of failure that they can't accept-they don't want their family and friends to know that they have made a terrible mistake. This is just the time that a person should realize that family and friends are there for that very reason-support. A true friend or loving family members would stand behind the injured party and want to do what they could to help alleviate the unpleasant situation.
Never think that there is no where else to go-there are numerous shelters in nearly all communities that will take in abused victims. They will help them get out of the dangerous relationship, help in relocation, help with job search, and some places will even help with legal aid. The Internet has a wealth of information on "Domestic Violence Shelters", "Women's Shelters", "Homeless Shelters", and even "Family Shelters."
Many women are afraid of the even greater violence threatened by their abuser should they try to leave-"leave me and I will find you and kill you!" They don't realize that they may more likely be killed or grievously injured should they stay. And the danger to their children should take precedence over any other issue. In families where domestic violence is a way of life, the children often grow up to be abusers themselves. They emulate what their parents do and grow up thinking that is normal behavior. And many young girls growing up in this type of environment think that abuse is a normal way of life and is something to be expected, something that they just have to learn to live with. They are ingrained with the misinformation that this is an atypical way the partner has of showing how great his love is.
And there are those whose self-esteem is so low that they are afraid of losing the only person who is willing to stay with them. In this accord they will suffer untold abuse to keep their partner happy and to retain the security they are so fearful of losing.
Barring professional counseling, in this situation, the abused person will have to come to terms with their own feelings of inadequacy and force themselves to realize that they are a better person than what they have been taught to believe. And that they do deserve a better life than the life they are currently living. Leaving will be hard for this person, but there is always someone out there that will treat them better-they will just have to wait until the right person comes along.
I personally recommend talking with your church Pastor if you are in a situation that has become unbearable for you. But in any case, remove yourself from harm's way at the earliest opportunity and don't look back. Only you can make your decision to leave, but know that there are people out there that will and want to help you. All you have to do is take that first step-out the front door.
Sandra E. Graham, author, AMOS JAKEY and NICOLINA published by American Book Publishing. I also write book reviews for authors through Book Pleasures. Do a Google or MSN search for Sandra E. Graham My Books and Articles Home Page for more info on my writings and book reviews.
i grew up in an abusive household, so every word you said i have thought about over the years, and even asked my mother once why she didn't leave; this was verbal abuse, which, in my opinion is the worst kind, it lasts forever because the words are ingrained in our heads; "you'd have to be stupid to think that, etc."
we were spanked and hit with the belt, although not hard, and my father knew we had blankets underneath our comforter to cushion the blow, but that pain is gone. i don't feel it anymore, but the words through the years, are all still floating in my head. thanks for a very good article on a very serious subject.
This article very well can save an innocent person's lives. Although it seems like it would never happen and people would just run away from the spouse if this happens. But, in reality, it happens many of times and you hear about it a lot. Just watch Dr. Phil a couple of times. Great point, Sandra!
Thanks Sandra, I've found that people have a hard time leaving an abusive relationship, especially if it is "only" emotional abuse. There does always seem to be some kind of fear involved. In addition to the reasons you mentioned, I think some people stay because they are afraid of hurting the other person or their families. They have learned to value someone else's happiness above their own.
Thank you so much, Val, for reading and commenting on my articles. I can relate first hand to how hard it is to really leave an abusive relationship and stay gone. I tried for eleven years before I left and didn't go back. It was only emotional abuse but it took a heavy toll on my life.
Sandra, this was a great source of encouragement,and I pray those who are searching for some sort of approval to leave their situation will come across this article. I have seen abuse first hand--it is tough and running is tough, but you are right, there are people who will help. We have hid out in hotels and ducked in cars, but it was worth it. My mom always put our safety first. Abusers spot these, weaker and less confident people a mile away, and they worm their way into that persons life. I pray for all who are trapped in a cycle of abuse, that they would see how precious they are to God and that they would cry out to him for the courage it takes to leave.
Thank you for writing this God-inspired article! Love and hugs, Teresa
Good article Sandra! I think love can help in all kinds of situation. Instead of breaking everything at once, one should wait with love and prayer. Love can change a bad person to a better person.
A wonderful article with a powerful message about an abuse that is so often hidden behind closed doors. Well done Sandra for having the strength and courage to leave your situation behind and for now helping to open the door for others to do the same.
Good morning, Sandra. I know someone leaving a relationship after several years because of the constant emotional upheaval. She never knew whether he was telling a lie, and most often he was. While she thought their money was handling budget expenses, he just spent it, but never on her. He drove them deeply into debt of which she is just now realizing the amount. He rarely had a good word for her, rarely bought her a gift for birthday or Christmas, and in general she filled the role that a mother would fill; cleaning and cooking. After a while she seemed to stop caring about herself. She was only valued when he wanted something, then, she ceased to exist or was berated. She is fortunate enough to have the support of family and friends as she starts over, none of whom really liked him much to begin with. Thanks for writing this article.
Thank you, JL, for sharing her story with us. We will pray for her as we pray for all who are in a bad situation that may be hard to get out of. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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Sandra, after 35 years of counseling, I have a short answer: Because the devil we know is less scary than the devil we don't know. That's why. It's what we know and are comfortable with. There's a payoff in it for us. Always a payoff.
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