Ever noticed how the more you try to control a situation, the less control you actually have? Ever noticed that there are just some things that aren't even worth the effort? Have you ever noticed that the more you give it up (that 'control freak' thing) the more things seem to work out? Well, lately, this used-to-be-control-freak is taking a good, long look at all this....and realizing that maybe she's got a bit more work to do.
Case in point: I live with someone who, apparently, believes that avoidance is the best way to deal with anything he doesn't want to deal with. Like paying the power bill or the water bill or the gas bill. The bills come in the mail, and he tosses them somewhere (who knows where?!). He just ignores them. Then, inevitably, the phone calls begin. He ignores those too. Now, normally I really wouldn't give a rip about how he, or anyone else, pays or doesn't pay their bills. The exception here is that I LIVE HERE. So, if he's not paying those bills, it's going to affect me and mine. In other words, IT MATTERS.
So, what to do? Do I call these companies & attempt to get info about what's owed & how to manage it? (actually, I already tried that on one occasion, only to be told that since I'm not on the account, they couldn't give me said info...oh well) or do I just trust that he's going to snap out of it & step up to the plate? Do I 'confront' him or keep my nose out of it? Do I call his mama? What in the world is he thinking? How can a 'grown' man just ignore such things? (& don't get me started on his personal hygiene!) It's a mess, to say the least.
This morning, as I was about to make some coffee, I found there was no propane to fire up the stove. Now, before I go on, let me say that I am NOT a crabby person in the morning. In fact, I'm annoyingly 'chipper'. I wake up to 3 of the most beautiful, loving critters on the planet smiling in my face. I have a beautiful view & a very comfortable space. What's to be crabby about? Well, I'm not. But if I can't make my coffee & have a little something to eat, it's more than annoying. It's downright infuriating (to me, that is). We live in an extremely nice house in a very lovely neighborhood. There are million dollar homes around here! And this bonehead doesn't pay his gas bill? What the......?
After a moment of deep breathing, I remembered that there was propane on the BBQ, which also has one of those dandy little burners on the side. So, I put my coffee on there & sat on the patio to calm myself. I sat there, taking in the view, with a dog on either side of me & the cat twirling around my feet. I smelled the morning smells of dew on the grass & roses nearby. I watched as the sky got brighter as the sun rose higher. I felt the warmth of that sun, and, at last, a smile crept onto my face. I took another deep breathe, stretched my arms to the sky, and laughed out loud. Why do I need to control this? Why do I think that my angst is going to change the way he does (or doesn't) do anything? It's not. All it's going to do is make me feel worse. It's not going to solve anything.
I'm a person who believes that you get what you focus on. Put another way, 'thoughts become things'. If I choose to focus on the bonehead, I'm going to get more bonehead. If I choose to focus on the love that surrounds me, the beauty that surrounds me, the warmth that surrounds me, then I'll get more of that. I've seen it proven, so what's to doubt? It works, and I know it. Does that mean the bills are going to magically disappear? Nope. Does it mean that he's going to change? Probably not. What it does mean is that I get to choose my attitude about all of it, and my attitude directly affects how I feel. This is what I have control over. Nothing else.
What to do now? Mr. Bonehead is still sleeping (it's still 'early' in these parts) & I'm enjoying that coffee I made on the BBQ. My cat is laying right next to the computer, purring away. My dogs are under my desk, having a nap. And I'm going to let it go. I'm going to just give up trying to control all this crap and see what the heavens bring. Say a prayer for the control freak.
I'm not sure that I could be so calm in the face of all that irresponsibility. But your are certainly right, the only thing I can really control is my attitude.
Hi Dianne~ You know, it's not always E-A-S-Y but the bottom line, for me, is the less stress I allow, the better my body feels. A lesson I've had to learn as this journey has unfolded. So, staying calm is an absolute essential. Besides, in my book, the opposite of 'calm' is 'turbulent'...and what did that ever get ya? I find it much more effective, regardless of how challenging it may be, to avoid the turbulence & let God (or whoever!) handle it. Keeps me from being homicidal (kidding!!!). A sense of humor helps. hugs~ Camille
Ok, I'm sympathizing and laughing all at the same time. Maybe when he gets tired of having no heat, electricity (I don't know too many men who will live without a TV), or warm food he'll pay the bills. You're more patient than I am!
Hey Val~ I didn't mention that the Bonehead is merely a 'housemate', not 'my guy'. I'm not certain how "patient" I'd be if he were the latter...but maybe that's a lesson unto itself. LOL...you're right though....don't know many who'll live without TV either. Funniest part? The moment I stopped trying to 'control' it, and, instead, took the high road, was the moment he got off his butt. Funny stuff. SHEESH! Respond to this comment
Yeah- you did mention that he's passive-aggressive so that would fit. You disengaged so there was nothing to be P-A. Good for you! Respond to this comment
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