At fifty two, I doubt I will live to be one hundred and four, which leaves me in the category of my life being half over. So far, I have made many mistakes, many decisions based on poor judgment. No one to blame, just the way my mind worked, coupled with my personality and my astrological sign of cancer. I have been determined, stubborn, compassionate to the wrong people, and trusting of the very people who have taken from me. I have always wanted to see the best in people, and although that sounds like a noble gesture, trusting the wrong types of people can lead to pain and heartache. I have been taken advantage of, and stolen from. Not being experienced in thinking things through in the right way, I fell prey to many. It was a continual disadvantage to my development, my feelings being hurt most of my life, and caused anger and resentment inside my mind and soul.
I fought back at the world and those I thought were doing me wrong, but realized, probably too late, that happiness and peace will not come to me in that manner. I began a journey of discovery that took quite a while to work through, and I continue through today. I became more aware of my surroundings and pin pointed who and what was important to me, and weeded out the rest. That was the first and most important step. The stress of dealing with those who like to use and abuse was way too draining, and not at all beneficial to my quality of life.
I then could take that time and spend it on my kids and our home. Years have passed since I first started this never-ending journey. Obstacles appeared out of thin air, when they were least expected. I had to learn how to talk myself into balance, not too high, and not too low. Hard to do when labeled bi-polar. All of my nervous energy had to be mellowed, and the fight against myself to do so was intense. My mind, constantly chattering to me, "Slow down, don't get upset, don't say the wrong thing, it's not worth it, you're not giving in or up, it doesn't matter who is right, you're just avoiding a bad situation." All in an attempt to improve the quality of my life, and those around me, in my fifty second year, knowing that I am more than halfway over the line.
I've been to the dark side of the soul, I believe we all go there at least once in our lifetimes, and now, I want to live in the light. The second half of my life is to reinforce all I've learned from the first part. Up until, and including today. I want to do something good with my life, I want to do use my time in a worthwhile way. I want to enjoy my family. I want my home to be kept up and always looking nice. I want to write good articles, that may help another, whether I'll ever know it or not. I want to write a book, if I'm not all written out! I want to feel safe for the first time in my life. I want to be happy, and know it's because I worked hard for that gift. The second half of my life will be filled with 5 kids, their mates, their kids, and I will enjoy it all.
There is a feeling of smoking ashes from my past, and bright lights twinkling in my present and future. I now know how to make the best of life, and not dwell on the worst. However, I had to go to the worst of life, to know how to appreciate the best. I should say, my worst so far, since we never know what is going to come our way. In the first half of my life, my happiness was my kids being born, and raised. My pleasure at being a mom was intense, and it took up all my time. Now, at 17, 21, and 23, I don't have to stop writing to snap pants or zipper jackets or tie shoelaces, that was all part of life, in the first part, but now, I believe it's time for mom to have a personal life, and I am able to, which although feeling foreign, is very nice. I think I'm going to enjoy the second half of my life much more than the first part.
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