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In terms of straightforward coolness, no one comes close to a lady very near and dear to my heart: my Grandma. In fact, I would venture to say that everything I need to know, I learned from my Grandma. These important things include advice about right and wrong, manners and tips on saving money.
For instance, her philosophy in the kitchen was: "WHY SPEND MONEY ON TUPPERWARE WHEN YOU'VE GOT HUNDREDS OF PERFECTLY GOOD MARGARINE CONTAINERS JUST LAYING AROUND?" So every time I went over for a meal, she would pull six or seven different faded plastic containers out of the fridge and put them in the microwave. None of us (including her) had a clue as to what was inside them, but that kind of made for a fun evening. It was a sort of blind buffet: "Wow, look at that! Ham, rice and something brown, all heated to microwaved perfection! DIG IN!" This prepared me for my career as a bachelor.
The more contact I had with Granny, the more I learned. It follows, then, that staying for holidays was like going to summer school, but to learn things I would actually find helpful in life. For instance, as a boy of eight years old I was a real novice when it came to handling curfews while away from home. Gram solved that problem by having NO CURFEW WHATSOEVER. In fact, the only way she knew it was time for me to go to bed was when I was already asleep on the floor. And watching Three's Company is okay at eight o'clock but if we waited just a few more hours, we could watch Jack Lord and his big hair wave on Hawaii Five Oh. And Buddy Ebsen in Barnaby Jones. And some really porcine guy as Cannon. And Oscar Madison as Quincy. Then I'd spend the next hour in bed alone, listening to all the sounds of the night, convinced someone wearing a dark leather glove was going to slowly open MY door, stick his hand into the room and shoot ME with a silencer. By morning I'd be exhausted but that was okay because Grandma always said: "IF YOU STAY UP LATE WATCHING TELEVISION, THE BEST THING TO DO IN THE MORNING IS SLEEP IN!"
Now I need to say right here that my grandmother was a church-going person. However, having grown up on the farm, she was also endowed with a vocabulary of words that one would find surprising for a little old lady. Her way of getting around any issues of appropriate language was to slightly change the pronunciation of the word in question, thereby tricking everyone. What does a cat do in the garden? It SHITES! I have to admit there were days when I would purposely bring up the subject of cats just to hear Grandma 'swear.'
Another pearl of wisdom that will long remain in my heart is this: "IT'S OKAY TO PASS WIND AS LONG AS YOU BLAME IT ON IMAGINARY ANIMALS." For as long as I can remember, my granny had this 'duck' that followed her everywhere. It was pretty much invisible but every once in a while, as she was walking down the hall, we would HEAR it and Gram would say, "Oh there's that duck again!" Try as we might, we never had so much as a partial sighting. In retrospect, while Granny's companion was a duck, it seemed my grandfather was stalked by a MOOSE. I have no idea how we could ever miss this creature who, by the sound of it, was the size of a house.
Of course, there were always conflicts that arose between the parents and the grandparents. This is because the grandparents wanted to do what was best for the child and the parents were all hung up on issues of discipline. But my grandmother always told me that when it came right down to the choice of whom to obey, your mother or your grandmother, ALWAYS OBEY YOUR MOTHER. THEN WHEN SHE LEAVES THE ROOM, GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER AND SHE'LL LET YOU HAVE WHAT YOU WANT. This seemed to work for everyone involved.
Yes, she had her unique qualities. She had a rocking chair that was the most powerful force known to man. None could sit in it with her for more than two minutes before falling into a dead slumber. Dining out meant KFC or, once a year, Chinese Food. And the best water in the world was bottled on a farm, two miles out of town. (Coincidentally when we were children growing up on that farm, the same water was going to be the death of us). She knew the strangest songs and told the funniest stories about growing up in a world without televisions or cars. Knowing Grandma meant laughing a lot, crying just a little and if a sparkle in the eye could be inherited or at least transferred, we got ours from her. I will truly miss you for the rest of my life, Dorothy Isabel Healey. May you rest in peace.
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