One thing that I hear over and over from parents is their concern that their teenager is not acting responsibly. In their parenting, they try to explain the importance of responsibility to their teen and work to help them become more responsible, however, they end up feeling frustrated because their teen seems to just not care. Can you relate?
Does your adolescent "forget" to complete their chores, "forget" to do their homework, struggle to wake up on their own or "forget" the time and come home late for their curfew? What is your response as the parent when these things occur? Do you remind them over and over, do you end up doing the chore just so that it gets done? Do you go in their room five times in the morning to keep encouraging them to wake up? If so, it would seem that you are working harder than your teenager.
Why do parents often do these things (if you do them, you are not alone the majority of parents of teenagers get caught up in caring more than their teen at some point along the way)? It is because doing the right thing or the expected thing is usually more valued by the parent than it is by the teenager. While this is not uncommon, it is also not helpful in getting teenagers to take responsibility for what they need to do. Parents should offer support and guidance in helping their teen become more responsible but should not be acting in a manner in which they are compensating for their teen's lack of responsibility. Being irresponsible may cause a teenager to feel some discomfort this is okay. Parents should not feel like they need to protect their child from feeling any discomfort in their lives that is not reality and part of what teenagers need to experience as they move towards adulthood is the reality of the consequences of making poor decisions.
So what might you be able to do a little differently that would allow your teenager to feel some discomfort and real life consequences for not taking responsibility? Some scenarios and suggestions might include:
Your teen will not come down from their room for dinner with the family at the usual dinner time rather than putting aside a plate of food for them, tell them that they can make a sandwich for themselves since they missed dinner.
Your teen consistently wakes up late for school rather then trying to wake them up over and over and then driving them to school, tell them they will need to walk to school or take a cab with money that will come out of their allowance or spending money they would have had for the weekend. Another intervention may be to take the TV / computer / phone at 8pm at night to encourage that they go to be earlier until they can demonstrate the responsibility of getting up on time.
Your teen consistently tells you at the last minute that they need something for school the next day rather than rushing around and doing their work for them, tell them that you will help them figure out what they can do about it last minute or tell them they will need to explain to their teacher the next day that they did not plan effectively in this situation.
This new approach can be done in a very loving manner and should not be done sarcastically or punitively. The goal is not to make your adolescent miserable but rather to begin to teach the importance of behaving responsibly. Of course the first couple of times you try responding to your teenager in one of these ways or in a similar way they will react strongly. Why wouldn't they? They are used to you picking up the slack and protecting them from the uncomfortable feeling they will feel when you respond like this. However, they will learn quickly that you mean business and that you are going to be consistent with your new approach.
You should not be doing all the work for your child once they reach the teenage years. You deserve a break and can make some very simple changes which will give you this break while teaching your teenager to be more responsible. Give it a shot- you will be amazed at how quickly they respond!
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Article added to SearchWarp.com on Saturday, October 04, 2008 View other articles written by Karen Vincent(1,282)
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