An essay about people who believe they have a God-given right to treat other people like garbage. I realise this is not a very positive outlook on love and relationships given that Valentine's Day is just around the corner, however this kind of thing happens everyday and it must be written about. I also wish to apologise for the fact that this essay is gender biased, however this is a true story, and I feel that differentiating between the genders is required in the instance. If I offend anyone reading this, then again, I apologise.
IIt's just another day. An ordinary Thursday. You are plodding along on your afternoon off from work, dealing with life, the good, the bad and the ugly and then out of the blue, you are hit with a devastating bombshell. You almost wish that you hadn't left work early to be with your man. You both eat lunch and he takes a nap, you potter around and enjoy yourself, talk to a friend on the phone. After quite a while he wakes up and makes some coffee and you sit on the lounge together, just talking and in the blink of an eye he is telling you the relationship is not working, he thinks it should end. He tells you he isn't happy and that you and he should break up. You are sitting there scratching your head thinking 'why?' Why is this happening? What the hell did I do? What the hell is wrong with him? You can't believe what he's just said, you wish to God that you just imagined what he said, but deep in your gut you know he means it. All that transpired between you that afternoon was a short conversation you tried to raise regarding an issue that was worrying you, however he does not hear you out, gets upset and decides to end the relationship right there and then.
You have been with the man for over two years in a long distance partnership and all was working out fine. Thinking back to a few weeks ago, you know everything was fine. You have just spent the Christmas and New Year holidays away with him at his family home and all was well. You returned home to your work commitments and partner followed you a few days later to spend some time with you at your home. He's been there not even two days and he seems to be ok, a little quiet perhaps. You know all is well because you asked him. So of course you are going to be asking yourself what the hell is going on here? You start to ask questions. You try to find out what is making your lover so unhappy. He won't tell you what's upsetting him, however he fires a couple of well-timed zingers in your direction to justify his actions. For instance, he tells you that you are selfish, insecure and possessive. The funny thing is you don't try real hard to defend yourself as you are trying to get to root of this problem. His problem, which has caused your man think he has to run out the door.
You ask him if he loves you, he says he doesn't know. Oh nice one, a safe answer. If he were to say he loves you then you would get your hopes up and if he were to say he does not love you well basically, he's in deep s**t. So he says he does not know. Funny, given that he said he loved you a few days earlier. We all know if we love someone or not, and love does not end. It may die a little or sometimes feel a bit predictable, but it does not end. Believe me you know when you love a person. You feel it in your heart and your gut. Perhaps the spark fizzled, and the thrill was gone, that does not mean love is not present.
You try to reason with your lover by telling him he at least owes you an explanation, but you know you are not going to get one, at least not the truth. You feel like ripping your hair out because you are so confused. You and this man have had a very special relationship for the past two and half years and you are damned if you are going to watch it all fall apart for no good reason. So you keep asking questions, trying to clarify what is going on, but you don't beg and you don't plead with him as you know that would be pointless and beneath you. You know in your gut he is not worth it. If you did beg and plead with him and he did change his mind, what would stop him from dumping you like a sack of potatoes all over again. Would you really want to take that risk again.
Now he is getting ready to leave, putting his stuff in the car. You tell him not to be in such a hurry to race out the door, that you need some clarity here. You feel like screaming at him. You wonder what the hell is going on. You are so hurt and confused and your anger starts to surface, but you stay calm and keep trying to reason with him. You tell him he's making a big mistake, that he is throwing away something really special. Your opinion falls on deaf ears, he does not agree, so you tell him it is his mistake to make and there's nothing you can do about it. You are calm but you are furious and shattered inside. All he has told you is he is unhappy, that something is not right and he can't tell you, he says that he doesn't know. He even has the nerve to suggest that you two remain friends. Oh my God, who needs friends like this. You deserve better. Two years of your life has been flushed down the toilet. Suddenly you snap and you are overtaken by an extremely horrible thought. ‘Did he ever really love me?' you wonder, and without realising it you say those words out loud. Of course that is his cue to leave, his excuse if I may? So he walks out the door, no "goodbye", no "take care," absolutely nothing and you are left with a huge mess to clean up.
YYou are shattered, you sit down on the couch and you cry. You cry and you cry and cry, till you think you will never stop. Eventually you do and you pull yourself together enough to make a phone call to a friend. You tell them what has happened and you start to cry again, you tell them you need help, to come over now. Your friend is shocked, but they tell you to sit tight and they will be there soon. Where the heck would we be without real friends.
You cry some more and again think that you will never stop crying. But you do, you pull yourself together and you call him on his mobile. You ask him why, you tell him you are shattered, confused, hurt and that you deserve to know the truth. He tells you that he does not want to pick bones and put anyone down. All of a sudden you realise that he deliberately avoided the truth. You ask him to please think about things and then get in touch with you and tell you the truth, you tell him you need closure and that this is not fair. You tell him that you aren't angry, the hell you're not! You tell him maybe you can be his friend, however with friends like that who needs enemies? He tells you he is sorry, but he's not. He couldn't care less, he is out of there now, and never has to deal with you again. He tells you he will text you when he gets home (it's a three hour drive), he doesn't bother. Why should he, you are not his concern anymore. You have been dumped.
Your now ex-lover is competely ignorant to the mess he has left behind. He has absolutely no idea how much damage his actions have caused. You are like a stunned mullet for the next few days, you don't sleep, you don't eat, you can't get out of bed, but you do. You drag yourself to work, drag yourself home and barely manage to get through the day. Life is a struggle and that's putting it mildly. If you walked under a bus, you wouldn't care. Not that you would do something like that on purpose, but death seems like a good alternative right at this moment. Your friend has spent the last few days with you and has not left your side, people are worried about you. You assure them you are okay, you are not going to top yourself. But you also tell them you are terrified, terrified you won't get through this and terrified of feeling the pain and loss that is coming, once you stop your incessant denial of the situation.
Life is minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. You long for the day when the pain will go away. You long for a time when you won't even think of him for one whole day. You are still obsessing over why this happened, but you know deep down you will never get the truth, because this person who you love and trusted with your heart has no integrity. Basically they are gutless. So all you can do is assume, and you do. The assumptions are endless. You are imagining all kind of scenarios. A couple of weeks go by and you have not heard a word from him or his family. You think it's quite strange that his family have not contacted you to see if you are okay. Perhaps they are upset with you. How are you to know, your so-called sweet heart told you nothing.
It's been two weeks since he left and you are starting to feel a little better. You have decided it is time you moved on, he hasn't called, he doesn't give a damn whether you get closure or not. So basically you start to think about what you want. You decide that you should apologise to his parents, and say goodbye to them, whether you did anything or not. So you do, and to your surprise they don't respond. You assume they have washed their hands of you. You put up a couple of profiles on the dating websites and start dating again. This is all making you feel better and you are having some fun, but you still can't stop thinking where the hell you went wrong.
There are times when you hate yourself for being such a fool over this guy. You start to count the cost. Your emotional and mental energy, the sleepless nights, the money you spent, the love and care that you gave him and never once did you expect a return on that. You know that love is giving without expecting to receive and that is what you did. You realise that you were prepared to give up everything and move to his hometown, one thousand miles away from your family and you hate yourself for it, you cannot believe you were such a fool to believe in him. You are so ashamed of what you did in the name of love. You also know had he wanted more, you would have torn yourself apart trying to make him happy, because you loved him so much. How many times did you cut him slack, how many times did you put what you wanted and needed on hold for him. He was quite ill and in pain at times, because of his oesteoporosis and the virus he had, what could you do. You had no other choice than to let him have it all his way. So what did you do, you accepted the scraps he threw you. Well, is that the way it should be a in loving, caring relationship? I don't think so. You are so upset that he wasn't happy, even though we all know that happiness has to come from that person. If your man was not happy, it was not your problem. It would not matter how much you ripped yourself apart trying to please him, nothing would be good enough for him. He was the one, the one you would have made many sacrifices for, such as giving up your career, your family and friends, and then some. But now you decide that will never happen again.
Three and half weeks later and you still hear nothing from him or his family, except an envelope with your keys inside and a note which does not say very much. You wonder if his family had something to do with it, did they tell him to break up with you. They tell him to do everything else, why not control his love life as well. You wonder if this has been going on for a long time and did he just lead you on. Deep down inside you know this is not the case, you know it only came about while you were staying with his family at Christmas and that is a fact. Still you are wondering, assuming and full of confusion. How could something so good turn bad so quickly. How could he do this? Doesn't he realise what he has done is akin to mental abuse. It is unacceptable to treat peope that way. You certainly can't see yourself ever forgiving him. Sometimes you feel as though you hate him. There is a fine line between love and hate and you have walked that line for weeks now.
All you can do now is move on, and forget about it. That is easier said than done, but you know you can do it. He does not deserve you you were way too good for him and he knows it.
You have a great job
You earn good money
You are comfortable financially
You have a great family
and a beautiful daughter
And beautiful, caring friends
Two cute cuddly cats
The list goes on and on. You have much more wonderful qualities on the inside, and there will be someone who will be worthy of your love one day. You know what you want, and that is more than he knows. He does not have a clue. You actually feel a little sorry for him, because you are only too aware of how screwed up he is. God help the next woman who takes him on. She'd better be subservient and non-demanding. You know the type, tell her to jump and she says "how high darling." This is exactly how his parents treat him, and he expects his woman to fall into line. Well you're not that type of woman, and that's quite possibly why it's over. In the end he could not handle a strong woman, which is so funny, because he was attracted to your strength in the first place.
IIt's four weeks now and you are on your way. You have another date lined up and you are chatting to lovely man from Sydney. This is a start. You are now managing to sleep better and you actually want to go to work each day. Where as before this you didn't care less. You are starting to love your life again and yourself. You will keep plodding on slowly and eventually get to where you want to be in life. You will recover and he will be distant memory.
Endnote:
As the reader of this essay, you have probably guessed that this story is about myself and obviously written whilst coping with a huge amount of pain, hurt, humiliation, etc. The list goes on. It was story I had to write, as I really had to vent my feelings. People who do this kind of thing to others really need to seek help. No-one can know another's pain, but all I can say is I went through hell in the last few weeks and I'm am pretty damned sure there are many people out there like me. The man in question tried to re-enter my life and for awhile I thought about letting him be there and see what happened, however I ended up sending him packing.
Copyright 2006, Janelle Coulton
If you have recently been through a horrible break up or divorce, you can get some support, understanding and advice at Jel's Group at Yahoo! Visit the following link to find out more.
