For years I have been warning my fellow Americans about the ever-growing epidemic of devil worshiping horses that is sweeping our country. Of course, everyone just laughed at me. "Imagine," they said, "Mr. Ed in leagues with Lucifer. It's preposterous." And then they laughed at me some more. But as usual I, Timothy Ward, online humor guru and sole member of the Star Jones fan club, will have the last laugh. Because now I have proof.
While surfing the Internet in a vain attempt to find discounted New Kids on the Block concert tickets, I came across an article that put all my suspicions about devil worshiping horses to rest. A recent Associated Press article stated that someone has been stealing the mile marker 66.6 signs that are posted along the New Jersey Turnpike and the Garden State Parkway. During the past two years at least four or five of the signs have been stolen. According to a spokesman for the New Jersey Turnpike Authority, officials have no idea who is stealing the signs.
No idea! No idea! I think it's obvious. I'll run down some of the facts for you.
(a) Anyone with even the slightest education knows that the state mammal of New Jersey is the horse.
(b) The signs are being stolen in New Jersey.
(a) Whoever is stealing the signs must have a way of carrying the somewhat bulky signs away.
(b) Horses are bred to carry loads, in fact I think they rather enjoy it because that's all they ever do in the movies.
(a) There is a Satanic association with the number 666. Revelations 13:18 calls it 'the number of the beast'.
(b) Horses are beast.
(a) The Book of Revelation also mentions 4 Horsemen of Apocalypse. These are some pretty scary dudes. With names like Famine, War, and Pestilence they may sound like members of a rock band but I don't think these guys play the guitar. And that weird kid Death likes to roll with them sometimes, which has got to be kind of creepy.
(b) Horsemen ride horses. Nuff said.
(a) The only other animal that could have worked for this article is the New Jersey state bird, the eastern goldfinch.
(b) Even I am not a skilled enough writer to make you believe that one. Beside everyone knows the eastern goldfinches worship the Sungod.
(a) Once when I was younger I attempted to ride a horse and I have to say that next to watching a live childbirth in human anatomy class it was the most traumatic experience of my early life.
(b) Traumatic experiences all come from the devil. Mama said so...
(a) Other highway signs with the number 666 on it, like the ones from Route 666 in Utah, have popped up on online auction sites like eBay.
(b) With all the televangelism going on in this country the Devil is having a hard time raising funds. With the exception of occasional appearances on South Park he gets almost no TV face time these days. Maintaining the underworld can't be cheap, the heating bill alone has to be outrageous, so why wouldn't he try to make a buck or two off what he considers to be his own personal novelty signs. And yes, there are horses in Utah.
If you are not convinced now that we are facing a serious problem with our horse population in this country then I don't know what to tell you. If you want to call me a scaremonger and laugh in my face then that's your choice. If you want to continue allowing your children to go on horseback rides at the fair without any regard as to the horses religious convictions go right ahead. After all, I'm sure not all the horses in this country are devil worshipers. Just a large group of them in New Jersey hiding out somewhere along the Garden State Parkway, I'd say somewhere just shy of mile marker 77.7...
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