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As a depression prone person I often wonder why I continue to live. I am not saying that I am contemplating suicide, because I am not. Sometimes, however, I wonder about the "will to live." What is the point of it? Would a will to live give me an inner drive that would keep me striving for something, keep me working to accomplish something, would it give me a sense of purpose?
Part of my trouble is that I wonder about the point of life. Life is a very odd phenomenon. While I would not claim that there is no higher power that brought life into existence, I do not personally accept that view. Nevertheless, it seems odd that chemicals that are not alive would bond and combine and cooperate in ways that would turn chemistry into biology. Evolution would say that over time, with the right conditions, life evolves, and survival weeds out the weak and survival traits proliferate and eventually you have complex, adaptive living organisms. Evolution is as mysterious to me as God, but I choose to side with the evolution rationale.
The fact that life exists does not give me any clue as to why? And why does life strive to live. I read one definition of life in a book called, The Body Has A Head
Life is sum of forces that resist death. ~ Gustav Eckstein
It is an interesting definition, although it is profoundly unhelpful.
I do some art that includes little phrases them. I gave one to my shrink back in Florida. The phrase on one of those drawings said, "When you talk to yourself -- be nice."
I got an email from that mental health professional saying that something I did was helpful to someone else she was working with, and that I should feel that I am making a difference.
But I don't feel like I'm making a difference. I feel certain that once I am dead and my immediate friends and family express some degree of regret, it will very quickly be as if I had never lived at all. Someone like Shakespeare might be known and admired for 600 or 1,000, or 5,000 years, but eventually he will be forgotten. Eventually, conditions on earth will not be conducive to life and this planet will resemble the landscape on Mars. If the end of all things is dust and nothingness, then what causes us to strive to live? Why do we have these forces that resist death?
This is what I am thinking now:
1. Bacteria seem to have a will to live. There is enough variation in their genetic make-up to allow for survival. Antibiotics, and hostile environmental conditions will kill bacteria instantaneously, but some bacteria survive because they have some slight genetic difference. Wiping out most of the bacteria allow these few bacteria to survive, to reproduce, and we get bacteria that is now resistant to the antibiotics once used to kill them. The bacteria have no brain, they aren't thinking about survival, but there are certain forces within the bacteria that resist death.
2. I notice that potted plants in my home will lean toward the light. I can turn the pot and the plant, with out grasping hands, without musculature, still manages to move it, to find and lean toward the light. This activity of plants, to bend towards light, is known as phototropism. Light for the plant is essential to its survival. The plant has a will to live. It doesn't write poetry. It doesn't minister to weaker struggling fauna. All the plant does is live, but clearly, the plant has a will to live.
3. The mayfly has a shockingly short lifespan. The mayfly is born, mates, lays eggs, and dies. Mayflies are unique among the winged insects because they moult one more time after acquiring functional wings. The final moulting brings the mayfly to its adult stage which lasts a very short time. The adult mayfly has mouthparts that are vestigial. The adult mayfly has no real need for a mouth, because the adult is not going to live long enough to eat anything. The digestive track of a mayfly is filled with air. The ONLY function of a mayfly is to reproduce, lay eggs, and to die, yet the mayfly has a will to live.
4. Scientists have discovered an Antarctic fish species that adopts a winter survival strategy similar to hibernation. This fish, the Antarctic 'cod' Notothenia coriiceps actually puts itself on ice in order to survive the long Antarctic winter. What is going on with this cod while it lives in a suspended frozen state for month after month? The Notothenia coriiceps has a will to live.
5. I recently read a story about a woman who jumped from a bridge in an effort to kill herself, and when she survived the fall she struggled to stay afloat until she could be rescued. Virginia Woolf committed suicide by drowning, but before she entered the water she filled her pockets with heavy stones, knowing that unless she was weighted down she would have a tendency to float, and would likely survive. Why would people who want to kill themselves take such self-destructive action and then behave in ways that would enable them to live? One might say that at least some suicidal attempts are just a cry for help, and not a true desire to die, however, I think there is a will to live that is etched on the DNA. If we had no inherent, evolutionary, genetic drive to keep living Virgina Woolf would have not needed to fill her pocket with rocks, she could have drowned ourselves in a tea cup.
There doesn't have to be some big purpose that keeps us striving to live. The will to live is part of life, like the heads on a coin always has a tail. It is unavoidable. We live. We have a will to live. And if we have a will to live, if I have an ingrained will to live, then why not live, accept life, and open my arms and accept all the joy I can grab on to?
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