(Writer's note: this is a comedy sketch and political essay. It's ideas and actions are meant to provoke laughs and smiles. The violent actions outlined are not and were not real, nor or they suggested or endorsed by the writer-or anyone else with any sense. The facts and gladiator citations are accurately checked and paraphrased, however. Remember, this blog is not intended to suggest or advocate harm to or by any of the persons cited below.)
Governor Sarah Palin does seem to have a knack for politics, especially "the contest." A self-described "pit bull," perhaps a better moniker or nom de guerre for this acclaimed political warrior is gladiator. Govern Palin strode athletically-and aesthetically--into the Colosseum-American political stage-with the formidable confidence of the ancient fighters of Rome who tangled in the field for the peoples' pleasure. She shares their zealous eagerness for combat and the American passion for stream video tape all day.
Of course, loyalty is an important virtue at the national level, and word behind the scene was Governor Palin had to pass a critical test devised by Karl Rove. She was given a gun and told a Barack look alike was sitting behind a closed door. She was ordered to go in and "pull the trigger"--to kill him without hesitation.
(Of course, the gun was disabled and unable to fire; after all this was only a test of her loyalty and willingness to abandon scruples and fundamental principles of fair play, and since this was not an abortion of an unplanned pregnancy, and only a political opponent who was "dangerous," murder didn't seem unreasonable . . . as a test . . .to see if Sarah Palin really had that go-for-the-jugular-all-in-instinct.)
In any case, Palin plowed in, didn't blink, opened the door, and slammed it behind her. The team smiled. Soon loud cries were heard: Screams emerged between loud thumps and blows. All were perplexed. All wondered, "what's going on?"
Finally, the door cracked and the Governor emerged. Trying to catch her breath, her chest rising and falling, her hair a mess, her face crimson, she said: the damned gun didn't work! I had to beat that sucker to death with a leg from the chair."
In the battle of gladiators in the public arena, she enters with the modern galea (a visored helmet with a large crest and plume), a coiffure done by a stylist paid ($22,800) more than McCain's foreign policy advisor ($12,500). Governor Palin has no need for the ocrea (a leg guard), either. Her skills and quips (and winks)
recall the ancient retiarius, who adapted their environmental experiences (Gov. Palin's, hunting and field dressing one ton moose; retiariui, fishers) into fighting techniques. Fast and skilled, possessing excellent coordination and agility, Retiarius entangled opponents with a cast net and skewered them with a trident (or fuscina, a pronged barbed staff). The retiarius also used the trident to keep opponents at bay. This prevented fighting at close range, and prevented opponents from exploiting weaknesses in your positions and offense.
For close range combat, fighters used the sica (a short curved sword) to get around the opponents shields and defenses, and to cut and slash. To defend, gladiators used the scutum, a board shield, to twist, pin or flatten opponents. They raised the shield to intercept incoming blows or retreat out of range. But the scutum is heavy; it seems unwieldy for Governor Palin. Politically, she has not been able to put it to good use. The media, on the other hand, have turned their questions into an effective sica.
The governor's style also recalls another class of gladiators, the liberalius, who wore no armour. Like the liberalius, she uses speed and mobility to strike with a maxim. Their weapon? The rapier (a long handled sword used for great lunges and thrusts). This style reveals her true gifts. Gleefully, she strikes time and again, countering each opposition's thrust, teasing them as she without armor calls them to center ring, only to mocking cut away their thrusts, countering each position with thrusts and lunges of her own.
Footwork is important in politics and ancient battle royals. Gladiators, as does the good Governor, employed a variety of steps. Among them, the gathered step (forward with power, taking the fight to the opponent); the passing step (forward, but with greater distance than the gathered, to capture superior position ). (Example: any change you can do, we can do better!)
Then there's the transverse step (side to side, often used to shift positions or blame, or to deftly deflect and win: "drill, baby, drill," and don't make me annoyed, I can't concentrate, and you know, Bush is an unpopular President). A masterful step is the cross over (changes direction easily, without committing to advance or retreat.) (Example: I never supported the bridge to nowhere and I am building an unfunded, unapproved pipeline with a half billion dollar government subsidy for a company who only four years ago said they didn't need it).
The cross over can be used to break up any foot work patterns you opponents may be trying to develop against you (My husband is native American ancestry, so don't worry about my opposition to clean water in Bristol Bay (the namesake of my child), which supports native Americans and their culture with a traditional, renewable, sustainable 300 million dollar salmon fishing industry. I've got corporate plans right here for a strip mine bigger than China's Three Gorges Dam. We will need workers. We will cross train fishers. We do big things, especially if they are politically expedient for big corporations in pro-American Alaska.)
But woman gladiators are held to a different standard, and are inevitably looked at for their armored suits, whose style, cut, and color are endless debated and reviewed, duplicated and fawned over. Her collection of political armour cost frugal Republicans a cool $150,000 (just under the Obama tax radar!), and much of it with original tags and in boxes in the cargo hole of the plane (I wonder-is this the influence of Cindy McCain, who wore a cool $280,000 worth of jewels with a $20,000 pop up collar, designer bell shaped shirt dress, watch, and shoes when she appeared on stage at the Republican convention on stage with Mrs. Laura Bush, to the fabulous applause of the polyester crowd. (Carhartt hats only on the campaign trail, please, and never for Ms. Cindy.))
If Governor Palin is a gladiator, her opponent, a former Catholic altar boy, is a missionary for government opening its arms to left up those who, through no fault of their own, have been lift behind by the American dream. Too bad when he proclaims his stump message, the guy making noises in the back street is his running mate's former pastor.
Gladiators await the emperor's decision after the battle ends, and for candidates it is the judgment of the American people that determines their political life. One former President was busy at term's end pardoning billionaire fugitives, but our current President is a real student of history, and loves to read about the lives and times of past presidents. When he got to President Garfield he proclaimed that he didn't know the nation's highest office had been held by the country's most popular cat!
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