Do you know a Nix-Master? Sure you do. It's the
child who says "no" to nearly anything. Some of these
children are loud and defiant, others are quietly and
politely non-compliant. Whether they are loud or quiet,
they are not doing what they are asked to do.
No adult ever won a power struggle with a child, and no
adult ever will. The minute you get into power struggle with
a child, you've already lost. Instead, choose interventions
that work around the resistance.
Nearly nonstop nay-saying is a normal part of development
that prepares teens to become independent. Here are
techniques to use with youth or children who evidence
normal non-compliance, and those who use behaviors
that go well beyond "typical" into seriously defiant:
Be Democratic
Who would you work harder for-- the boss
who was a dictator or the boss who was a
participatory manager? Most of us, whether adults
or kids, want to have a say at work or school.
Allowing youth input prepares them for the self-
management they must do throughout life when
adults aren't present.
Strategies: To win a great prize, have students
play Tic Tac Toe without rules. They will discover
that games won't work without rules. Now, have a
classroom without rules and a defiant youth as
teacher. Role reversals offer fast ways for
defiant youth to get a jolting look at their own
problem behavior.
If Everybody Says "No"
Help students realize that compliance is not
arbitrary but essential.
Strategies: Ask the students to determine the
consequences if everyone was non-compliant
whenever they wished. Ask what would happen if
everybody ignored stop signs, took every item they
wanted, blocked traffic, refused to pay taxes, or
could enter your house without your okay.
Give a Perspective
Defying authority can become the top issue above
all else.
Strategies: Ask students to list the most important
things they want in life. Defying authority will not
be listed. Identify to defiant students that they
devote much time and energy to low/no priority
issues while jeopardizing their top goals. Have
students cross out goals that defiance could ruin.
This intervention is especially good with children
such as conduct disorders who only care about what
they want for me-me-me.
Different Approaches for Different Folks
You may have noticed two trends among your
defiant youth. Some, such as conduct disorders,
engage in defiance for fun, or out of meanness.
These may be your students who are loudly
non-compliant. But, others, usually your quieter
students, are defiant not for sport or meanness,
but out of quiet desperation. You must work with
these two populations very differently. In past
articles in this book, we discussed the
special set of tools you must use with conduct
disorders. For your more vulnerable child who is
non-compliant, there are dozens of methods you
can use. We will include a few of the best here.
Strategies: Your vulnerable students are non-
compliant because it is safe and familiar, and
they do so out of desperation. Teach them
alternatives using acceptance. So, negotiation of
expectations with incremental increases can
help, but the more your wrestle for compliance,
the less you may get, so also be sure to find
out why the child says "no." Some children
will tell of family strife, others will say "I don't
know." Respond to the "I don't know" with "If
you did know...what would it be?" and often you
will learn key data that will guide you.
Be sure to teach compliance skills, including
what to say when you don't want to do as
directed. Many students say "no" but could learn
to say for example, "I don't know how to do
what you are asking," which would be a much
more conciliatory response. Consider allowing the
child to say if it is a "good work day" or a "bad
work day" and to be given some accommodation
on bad days. Any "breathing room" you offer
fragile, non-compliant students will usually
result in their undying loyalty to you, and they will
work as hard as they can on days they are able.
You may be one of the few sane, sober, humane
adults in their universe. If you can strike the balance
between your mission and the child's issues that
impair functioning, that is the best case scenario.
If you like the ideas in this article, be sure
to get hundreds more on our web site,
http://www.youthchg.com. We have
an endless supply of wonderful ideas that you
can't find anywhere else.
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