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Even with everything that is going on right now in the country, I
find myself in a wonderful place…mentally and spiritually. Last night I
found out that I am going to be an Aunt again. My only biological
sibling, Joanne, is having her first child with her awesome husband,
Rob. I also have a nephew and a niece from my sister-in-law and her
boyfriend.
However, I find myself in a predicament. I cannot have children.
Everyone around me is having them but I cannot. I am not trying to
sound pitiful here, I am just stating that fact. God made in such a way
that I just cannot have children.
I know that I have never really wanted children. It is only since my
nephew, niece, and a couple of young ones at church were born have I
started to warm up to children. I have never had the patience for them
either…especially when they are screaming bloody murder. LOL
You see…when I was a child. I was picked on by other children a lot.
To me it seemed as though it was a constant thing but I am sure that it
was not. It was just my perception. I had a few close childhood friends
but they all moved away. By the time I was in middle school I hated
kids.
I was in a few music activities at church that involved adults. I
decided that I would much rather be around grownups than other kids my
age. I guess I was trying to get their approval because I felt that the
kids around me "hated" me.
Anyway, as I grew up and got married I never wanted kids. I did not
want to have a child that would be treated the way I was. I told myself
I would not be a good mother simply because my mother and I were not
close at the time and I did not want to end up like her.
I was so horrible that when I turned 21, I was thankful that I had
"beat" Mom. She had me when she was 20 years old. It was not a good
relationship. At least in my eyes, it wasn't. So, I was thankful to
have gone one step further than she did. I know…that was real bad.
Now…I have a nephew who is adorable, a niece that I haven't met yet
because she was only born a few months ago, and a brand new life coming
into the world in June of next year.
There are also a couple of boys that I have become attached to at
church. I remember when they were both born and how they have grown up
in our church family. They are 4 and 2 years old. These two brought
light into my heart regarding children. Granted…they are children that
I can give back to their parents to deal with when they get fussy. LOL
But, I have to say that they are the first 2 children that I can
honestly say that I have loved. My nephew and the 4 year old at church
were born within a month or so apart.
When I met my nephew for the first time he was almost one year old.
My husband and I are the "Godparents" of our little nephew. He is so
precious and looks just like his daddy.
God has also made a way for me to be a helper in the Children's
Church and in the Nursery. At the beginning, it was testing my faith,
but as I started to get to know the kids more, it became easier.
God has been showing me that my whole problem with children was
fear. Fear from when I was a child. God is slowly taking that fear away.
Now…I know that I will never have children but I want to give the love that I have from God to them.
There was a new little girl that started to come to our church with
her parents about 1 1/2 months ago. I was put into the nursery with
her. It was so funny because I was just as much afraid of her as she
was of me. I allowed God to calm my fears and we were able to play with
each other. By the end of the service, we were having fun.
I know that I am not out of the woods yet but I know that once my
sister told me last night that she was having a baby, my heart flooded
with love for the child. God is breaking me and I am thankful for that.
All I have to do is trust in Him. Fear is not of God and I know that if
I allow Him to work in my heart, then this fear of children will
completely go away.
Today, I am thankful to God for children. Especially for the ones in my life now and in the future. |
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