Tonight's your big Halloween party, and you still can't decide what to wear? Don't feel like recycling last year's costume? Want something new and different--and terrifying? Consider these very scary costumes that won't cost you an arm and a leg to put together.
Politician. Put on your best suit, pin on a button from your favorite political party, and walk into the crowd. Smile a lot. Greet everyone enthusiastically. Assure your fellow partygoers you're "everyman" just like them, but act like you're better than everybody on the planet and it's your job to save them all. Take over conversations by telling people how much you know about any subject, and make up the information if you're not sure. (For an even more realistic horror effect, bring a friend dressed as your press secretary.) Pilfer wallets, checkbooks, cash clips, purses--and if you're caught, explain that you're just trying to make America a better place for everyone. If you have people shaking in fear by the time you leave, maybe this is a good time for you to consider making a career move.
Nebraska child. Dress up as any age from birth to 17. Put a few wisps of wheat in your hair, and maybe a corncob in your pocket for added effect. Pin a big handwritten sign on your clothing that says "Mommy and Daddy can't stand me anymore." Throw temper tantrums, start fights, and get in people's faces, screaming "TAXPAYERS HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME NOW!" In addition to convincing several young couples swear off having children altogether, you might be able to generate a meaningful dialog among partygoers on the abortion issue.
Banker. Dig out that best suit again, preferably a pin-striped Italian job. Brush it with a little bit of dust, to give it that hard-times look. To complete the look, wear a parachute painted gold. Walk around the party with a dazed look in your eyes and your hand out, muttering "Bailout...bailout...bailout..." Watch strong men fall to their knees weeping as you threaten to take away their income and their homes. Just watch your back as you leave (maybe a bulletproof parachute would be a good investment).
Journalist. This one's easy. Guys, put on a sport coat and a pair of tight pants. Ladies, wear a slinky form-fitting dress (low-cut is preferred). Use whatever you have available to make a supermodel look like a homeless person next to you. Then rush into the crowd, portable recording device in hand. Interrupt conversations to ask inane questions that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Repeat back everything people say to you, twisting the order of the words to suit your own personal agenda. This can be a godsend if you want to use the information you obtain for your own personal gain (better drinks from the host, a future date with a cutie, etc.).
For those of you who don't want to abandon the traditional Halloween monsters, you get the best of both worlds. These are the 2008 versions of classic horror creatures--the vampire (politician), ghost/poltergeist (Nebraska child), Frankenstein monster (banker), and werewolf (journalist). Now how much better can it get? The only thing we're missing is a witch. However, I'm not going there. No matter who I use as a modern-day example, I'll end up offending a huge portion of the population who associate "witch" with "female". I really don't feel like going there.
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