OK, you've seen all the lists, all the articles on self-improvement. You've seen how one can become a better husband / wife, parent, employee, kinder, gentler, richer, healthier, on and on and on and on. However, there's a problem. To do all that you'd need to do to overcome the self, for we are certainly imperfect little beings, aren't we? You'd have to do a LOT of reading, re-reading, adjusting, fine-tuning and work, work, work, work, work. Unfortunately, being as busy as we are with job, family, and trying to get some occasional R & R, we just don't have the time to get perfect using this approach.
However, I have the solution. Please read on.
Here's what you need to do. Get small and get young. What's that mean? Here, read this list and apply it to your life to reach that desired perfection. And don't tell me you like screwing up. I see you when the boss yells at you or your wife or the neighbor. It's not pretty or enjoyable, and you know it. So . . . read on.
Ten Things To Do To Be Perfect in Everything You Do
10. If you're a man, get a gender change. OK, don't go that far, but at least realize the truth. Yes! women are the superior species. Why do you think they were given the right to birth? Get a clue, testosterone!
9. Think like your three year old. Do you ever see them stopping to consider the mess they've made? The priceless family heirloom they've destroyed? To consider more than a minute anything that you've ever said to them . . . ever? Come on, old people, get into the guilt-free zone! That's half your problem right there.
8. Men, do everything your wife tells you to do (see #1). Yes, put the couch there. Let that picture of your mother-in-law hang there. And yes, above all, give up your sports, late nights out with the boys, and that deep nightly inhalation of everything not nailed down in your bedroom. Yes, we're talking stress as the number one killer and taker of seasoned men. Why do you think women live longer? That's right, they don't listen to you! No stress! You want to enrich your life? Inch toward perfection? As Nike says, "Just Do It!" And yes, ladies, now it's your turn.
7. If you're a woman, learn basketball, baseball, football, boxing, and hockey (or modify this list according to husband's likes / dislikes), study hard, and then join seasonal leagues until you're able to not only talk shop with your husband, but sports actually becomes the first thing to pop into your mind anytime you see anyone you know out in public. Bottom line, think like a guy. Yes, do it. However, since your guy will no longer be watching or involved in sports in any way, shape, or form, this will only be required for one year. Why? Well, you do love him, yes? Get to know his slovenly, self-involved ways and then you'll be able to not only create peace in your home but you'll be closer to him than you ever could have imagined.
6. Men? Now it's your turn. Get out there every week, preferably two to three times to begin, and learn your shopping. You may, just to reinforce the drama and connectiveness, learn how to apply makeup, prim in the mirror, and talk down your friends who, according to the new estrogen-encrusted you, can't accessorize. Do it for the one you love, gentlemen. Do it for Mary Kay!
5. OK, now, men, take off your skirts and ladies put down your helmets and shoulder pads; here we're going to get serious. Now, you want to do something that may seem impossible, may appear implausible, may come as miraculous . . . What is it? Yes, de-express yourself. Madonna, take note. One of the big killers in this country is the over indulgence in expressing oneself. Here, we're going to learn how to go within, to find inner peace, to . . . well, just SHUT UP! There, I said it. (Hmmm, that expressing stuff is not all bad. But I digress.) One of the biggest killers of one's inner peace and betterment is noise pollution, the constant need or perceived need for talking above silence. We see how this affects people adversely in elevators to the point where sweat breaks out and knees knock in the uncomfortable silence. Believe me people, upwards of 80% of conversation has been proven by scientists to be not only unnecessary but as one talks more and more it's been discovered that 72.9% of people who achieve excess begin to morph into Donald Trump
and Rosie O'Donnell. Yes, I said AND there! Serious stuff! Just say no to excess talk.
4. This one's simple. Put down the remote, open the large livingroom window, go back and grab your flat screen, walk over to the window and toss. Yes, this is certainly part of the white-nose problem--it's also the main reason behind your desire to not only buy stuff and eat food you don't need--but it's also the main reason your life has shut down, period. Surveys taken have proven predominantly that after watching over an hour of television people never feel better. Across the board, they feel the same or worse. Why? Because while watching the idiot box, you've never done less. Researchers have shown that at no other time in existence are a person's alpha brainwaves generating less power, less . . . anything. You are at your dumbest in front of the tube. Don't believe me? Just watch your family chug down on some
Dancing With the Stars. Case closed.
3. Now we're getting there. You can feel perfection moving. You've even looked at that lake on the way home thinking you may just be walking it soon. OK, don't get cocky. But here we go one step further. This is a toughie. Here, you're going to have to pull together all your faculties, gather all your resources and wits. That's right, bunch 'em BIG! You may just have to go deep on this one. What is it you ask? You're going to have to get fat. That's right. I'm not talking phat, as in "Yo, Yo, that phat." But fat as in gain weight. Why? Who's jolly? Who's the biggest, baddest, man of "Ho, Ho, Ho, Ha, Ha, Ha, Hee, Hee, Hee." That's right. Chris Kringle. Don't ask me any more questions on the "why?" of this one. You've seen the movies.
2. This one's not too difficult. One day a week--you may even take a day off from work--gather your loved one's about, get down on your knees (you may want to put on your jammies for this one-the one's with the feet, remember?) and roll on the floor like you just don't care. And while you're at it, go to your neighbor's and ask them questions like, "When I die, will I dream of dinosaurs?" and such. But most of all, remember to roll, kick, and scream for at least an hour. Finish. Repeat weekly until giggle encrusted. You'll like this one. I do!
1. Now you're almost there. This step's the easiest of all. This one's simple. You need only one word: Love. But don't be a homebody with it. Take it out for a walk. Take it on the road with you. Take it to your neighbors. Put a smile on your lips and express it in a "Hello!" said with purpose and joy. Take it to the mall with you. Take it to work with you. But most of all, take it with you. Now you're doing "The Perfection." Yes, that most dandy of dancehall crazes. Enjoy!
Happy Holidays!
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