Many parents are perplexed about how to help young children (toddlers and preschool children) cope with their grief when a family pet or a person within the family dies. Yet, research has shown that even young children are capable of some degree of grief work if the parents encourage, model, and facilitate the grieving process. Parents can lay some important groundwork for healthy responses to death by teaching children that death is a natural part of the life cycle.
Grief and loss has to be faced in everyone’s life. It is almost always painful, but it is a natural process, as much a part of the life cycle as birth. It may be indescribably painful, but it need not be traumatic. When young children, ages 3-7, are faced with the death of someone important to them, it can be very trying for parents to help them, partly because the parents may be overwhelmed with their own grief, but also because they may not know how to approach the issue with such a young child. Yet we know from research and clinical experience that children as young as three can do considerable, healthy grief work when given the proper encouragement, facilitation, and modeling from parents. It is not necessary to automatically
assume the child needs to see a child therapist, although if the parents’own grief prevents them from being able to talk to their child, then I would recommend a consultation with a qualified, licensed mental health profession who is trained to work with children. If children are taught early on that death is a natural expected part of life and although it is very sad, it can be survived and add deeper meaning and purpose to life, especially if it is faced by the family with a sense of mutual support and togetherness. The child may learn that when painful events occur the family pulls together, helps one another and together they can face anything.
As a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with children in grief, I have come to appreciate the many feelings that arise in even quite young children as they grapple with the mysteries of death. Children lack sufficient psychological resources to embrace grief in the intense and prolonged manner typical of adult grief that we typically refer to as mourning. Nevertheless, they are capable of grief work. The research has shown that facilitation of grieving in the young child can prevent significant mental health problems later in life including depression and relationship/intimacy problems.
Often the grief of young children is ignored by well-meaning adults because they delude themselves into believing that their child is “too young to understand." Yet any play therapist knows that 3 and 4 year-old children are grappling in their symbolic play with issues of loss, separation, abandonment, and death. So adults are really not in the position of protecting children from having to confront these mysteries, the children are already wrestling with these often frightening and disturbing early conceptions of loss and death. So are only real choice is whether we allow them to struggle alone with these issues or do we open up the communication with them and let them know they do not have to face these difficult issues all alone.
When toddlers ask questions about death, they should be given simple and direct explanations. Parents should capitalize on the natural curiosity of young children to teach toddlers about death. The earlier and more naturally the concept of death is taught the more likely children with develop a healthy and fuller appreciation of life. They will often have questions about dead insects and birds, and especially when a family pet dies. They can be helped to understand that everyone living eventually dies, usually after a long and full life. When toddlers are told of a death of a pet or family member they will need both verbal reassurance that they will be taken care of and nonverbal support in the form of holding, hugs, and the physical presence of caring adults. Older preschool children are capable of more verbal exchange regarding death than toddlers and usually have more questions. They will require more detailed answers, which should be given directly and honestly to the best of the parents' ability. It is perfectly okay to say that you don’t know the answer to a question since adults don’t understand all the mysteries of death either.
The preschool child may suffer undue guilt because it the age when children believe they magically cause all kinds of things to happen, both good and bad. It is important to reassure the preschool child that “bad thoughts" or “angry words" don’t cause people to die. Children often play out their worries, fears, and conflicts about death and this should not be a cause for concern unless the child is “stuck" in repetitive play of death-related scenes that don’t seem to relieve the child’s anxiety. In that instance, a consultation with a mental health professional specializing in work with children is recommended.
David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP is a Board Certified Clinical Psychologist and Director of the Rhinebeck Child and Family Center, LLC (website: http://www.rhinebeckcfc.com). He specializes in treating children and families and is the author/co-author of four books: Understanding and Treating the Aggression of Children: Fawns in Gorilla Suits A Handbook of Play Therapy with Aggressive Children Engaging Resistant Children in Therapy: Projective Drawing and Storytelling Techniques and Bereavement. He is also the author of a forthcoming book: Evocative Strategies in Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy to be published by Jason Aronson in October 2006.
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