Children strive to find their niche, their place in the world where they feel significant. They need to feel they belong and have something to contribute to their social world including their family. When healthy and positive paths to a sense of self are blocked, children may develop a distorted or deviant sense of self. In this case the child will make their mark and derive a sense of importance from behaviors that may be disruptive and have a negative impact in their interpersonal world.
The late psychoanalyst Walter Bonime (1989) described the development of the sense of self. "Children who are frustrated in their efforts to develop a positive and healthy sense of self will make their mark in some, often disturbing, way. It may be necessary for the child to terrorize, bully or see people frightened, worried, crying, at their wits' end. Such a child may have to be first, to be captain all the time. The child may have to rebel against coercion, refuse to do anything expected of him or her, or insist on doing everything that is forbidden" (p. 136). The implication is that every child needs to feel significant in one way or another. If they can’t make their mark in some positive way, they will distinguish themselves in a deviant or distorted way.
Some children may be so discouraged in their efforts to establish a
positive sense of self, they choose to distinguish themselves by being the meaniest bully on the block. Others will make their mark in other distorted
or deviant ways perhaps by being the class clown or by becoming a world class matyr. No child starts out with the goal of developing a deviant or
distorted sense of self. These are children who have become discouraged
and believe that the path to a more positive sense of self is blocked. As
parents and teachers it is crucial that we notice these barriers and assist
and encourage the child to overcome them. It is essential that we identify their individual talents, strengths, interests, and positive personal qualities and look for opportunites to highlight these assets in children.
Every child has something that he or she can uniquely contribute to the world around them and it is vital that parents, teachers, counselors and helpers of all kinds be diligent and determined in delineating these positive attributes. The acting-out child is almost always a discouraged child who feels defeated in his or her efforts to make a positive impact on their interpersonal world.
One of the stories I developed in the book: Engaging Resistant Children in Therapy is called "The Ballistic Stallion." It is about a girl, Sally, who was determined to ride a horse that her father had decided to sell because no one could ride it because it was so wild. As a result of her courage and determination she finally succeeded in riding the stallion in time to prevent her dad from selling the horse. Following the story I ask the kids to think of a time when they succeeded in "overcoming the odds," when they did something that took courage and determination that perhaps no one thought they would be able to do, like the first time they went off the high diving board. Every child has a story to tell about such a moment in her/his life. We should ask for these stories and listen carefully and we will come away with a fresh appreciation for the strengths of the child.
Bonime, W. (1989). Collaborative psychoanalysis. Cranbury, NJ: Associated Universities Press.
Crenshaw, D. (2004). Engaging resistant children in therapy: Projective Drawing and Storytelling Techniques. Rhinebeck, NY: Rhinebeck Child and Family Publications.
David A. Crenshaw, Ph.D., ABPP is a Board Certified Clinical Psychologist and Director of the Rhinebeck Child and Family Center, LLC (website: http://www.rhinebeckcfc.com). He specializes in treating children and families and is the author/co-author of four books: Understanding and Treating the Aggression of Children: Fawns in Gorilla Suits A Handbook of Play Therapy with Aggressive Children Engaging Resistant Children in Therapy: Projective Drawing and Storytelling Techniques and Bereavement. He is also the author of a forthcoming book: Evocative Strategies in Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy to be published by Jason Aronson in October 2006.
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