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"I hate having to
compete with the TV or computer for my husband's attention. He used to be such
a wonderful listener. I feel like I'm not important enough to him
anymore." ~Jennifer
"It's really
frustrating. I'll tell my girlfriend something and by the next day, she's
forgotten what I said. I've given up trying." ~Marcel
The Importance of Listening in Marriage
Speaking is easy. The real
challenge for couples is listening.
We all want our spouses or
partners to listen better--to hear not only our words but also what lies beneath
the surface of language: our unspoken needs, desires and fears. Such in-depth
listening allows couples to feel understood, appreciated and connected to each
other. Too many couples lose sight of just how important effective listening is
to the health of their marriage or relationship.
The skill of effective listening is endangered.
A frequent complaint of the
couples I work with is that one or both partners feel the other is no longer
attentive or really
paying attention. When in-depth listening is lost, the fall-out is significant:
one or both partners might feel marginalized; there may be increased conflict,
lingering resentments, or emotional withdrawal; in severe cases, intimacy might
break down completely or the couple may feel deep despair or a loss of hope.
The mutual understanding that comes from
real listening is essential for your relationship to evolve.
Why aren't you listening to me?!
Like a muscle that
requires exercise, your listening skills need to be worked on and regularly
used for best results. Many couples mistakenly assume that listening should be
a natural part of love and require little effort.
The first step in becoming
a really good listener is to learn about the different kinds of listening
skills. While the following list isn't exhaustive, its a good place to start in
figuring out what kind of listener you are (or what kind of listener you'd like
become).
Levels of Listening:
Surface Listening
This is the type of
listening that occurs in many social settings. A minimum of attentive energy is
required. For instance, the cashier asks, "Hi, how are you?" and you
automatically respond, "Fine, how about you?" Here you listen just
enough to know how to respond in a socially sanctioned and appropriate way.
When you're listening in
surface mode, you have little investment in the speaker's feelings or opinions.
You may end up being a surface listener in your relationship for a variety of
reasons: distraction, feeling overwhelmed, anger at your partner, and
indifference and/or hopelessness about your relationship can all result in
surface listening. When you've totally forgotten
that your wife asked you to pick up milk after the gym, you were probably
listening at a surface level (if you were listening at all).
Action-oriented Listening
At this level, you realize
that the speaker will require or ask something from you. Here your goal is mainly
to follow-through on what is being asked of you. While this level requires more
attentive energy than surface listening, you can still be preoccupied and
emotionally distant throughout the conversation and come away with the gist of
what is being asked of you. When you are flying out the door in the morning and
you acknowledge that it's your turn to pick up the twins from daycare, you're in
the action-oriented mode of listening.
Attentive Listening
In attentive listening,
the speaker has gained your genuine interest. Here you are more fully present
for your partner and the message sent has an impact on you--either because the
person sending the message is important to you or the message itself is of
interest. Most -- if not all -- of your mental energy is given to your
spouse/partner when you listen at this level. When you and your partner reach
this level of listening, you will share a heightened sense of being heard, understood
and valued. These are the ingredients that will allow intimacy to grow.
Empathic Listening
Empathic listening is the
deepest form of listening you can achieve. At this level, you leave your own
subjective experience and begin to feel what it must be like to be your spouse
or partner in a particular moment. Empathic listening requires several skills
that must be practiced:
~Full, unencumbered
attention to what your spouse/partner is saying and feeling;
~The ability to place your
own opinions, issues and agendas on hold;
~Remaining open to the full experience of your
partner, even when your typical reactions differ from what your partner is
going through.
Empathic listening isn't
always easy to achieve--this mode of listening requires the most from you. It's
impossible to be worrying about tomorrow's job interview and be empathically present
for your partner. Preoccupation is the
death-knell of empathic listening. While it may feel like a challenge to reach
this level, the benefits to your relationship are well worth the effort. Mutual
empathy feeds intimacy and creates a depth of connection that many couples
describe as transformative.
Most couples bounce
between all these levels of listening and each level has a place in your
relationship. Different circumstances require different levels of listening: It
isn't necessary or helpful to move into empathic listening when your husband called
to say he's running late, while surface listening is problematic when your wife
is affectionately and sincerely saying, "You're the best thing that ever
happened to me." Knowing which level of listening is required is both an
art and a skill.
When your partner approaches you with
something that is clearly important to him/her, you should work toward
attentive and empathic levels of listening.
The challenge for you is
to work on your attentive and empathic listening skills (even if you're
convinced that your partner is perpetually stuck at the surface or
action-oriented level). Whether you choose to work on your listening skills
alone or with your spouse/partner, remember that all skills require effort and
persistence before they become a habit. To discover other ways
to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
and sign up for Dr. Nicastros free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter. As a bonus, you will
receive the popular free reports: "The four mindsets that can topple your
relationship" and "Relationship self-defense: Control the way you
argue--before your arguments control you."
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.
is a relationship and intimacy coach with fifteen years experience helping
individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. Dr. Nicastro's relationship advice has
appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.
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