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I have three triggers that I know contribute to my depression. I don't just get blue, I get navy blue. If I can figure out why I get lost in the big black funk, maybe I can stop it, curb it, or at least ease it just a tiny little bit. First Trigger: Fairness
"It's not fair."
The concept of fair is a trigger for my depression.
How so?
If there is a fair, then there must be an unfair. If I'm treated unfairly, then I have a right, nay, an obligation to make things go from wrong to right, from unfair to fair.
So?
I'm just saying it is a trigger and when it's pulled a major depression fires, and I'm hit by the ricochet of super-duper sadness.
When I am wronged I am not just unhappy about how things have turned out, but my entire universe is out of balance. I get up a whole head of steam that I like to call "righteous indignation." Behind every law suit, every slander, every squabble, and every war that has taken place you'll find someone, or whole bunches of someones just oozing righteous indignation..
But fair actions and unfair actions do actually exist, don't they dude?
Yes if you think so, and no if you just change the way you look at what happens. You see, for most of us, we just believe stuff, but believing is not the same thing as an actual measurable fact. If mommy cuts the doughnut in two pieces and divides it, and if I judges that their half, is a little bit bigger than my half, well, that's unfair, and no unfairness can be allowed to go unchallenged. If I've been treated unfairly then I want that rectified as soon as possible and the costs or consequences be damned.
Ever heard of someone who sued another party, and ended up losing everything they have, when, if they'd let it go they'd still be rich? Such people will often say they feel the law suit was necessary because they had been wronged?
People die in order to right wrongs and to re-establish fairness.
What's fair about dying to make stuff fair?
What I've figured out is that as long as I believe in fairness I have a tendency to be obsesses by my righteous indignation, and I get all revved up to strike a blow to beat back the forces of the evil I call unfairness.
As long as I believe in fairness I see myself in the center of all things and everything that happens is judged by how it affects me. The concept of fairness and unfairness are not just words, they are lenses that magnify the events of our life.
So what are you suppose to do? Be all wimpy, not stand up for yourself, resign to a life of resignation?
Not necessarily, although that is an option. If I let go of the concept that fairness I free myself from the burden of Unfairness. If Fairness and Unfairness do not exist then I am not wronged, I have not been wronged, I cannot be wronged, and the sense of WRONGNESS in my life does not exist.
Maybe there are times when responsible people have to stand up against the unfairness in their life and/or the life of those around them. All I'm saying is that as long as I feel I've been treated unfairly, it seems to be a trigger of depression. Maybe each of us could or will face unfairness that absolutely must be redressed! If that happens, then open up a big ole can of whip-ass, and get to redressing stuff. But I need to know, and maybe you need to know, that the concept of fairness is a trigger for depression. If you get tired of being depressed may be you should stop using unfairness as an excuse to stay miserable. Unfairness makes you a victim, and victims tend to stay victims.
If I see some unfair event as just something that happens and not as something personal, not as something unfair to me, I'll have the ability to raise above what happens. I am free from the emotions that grow like weeds in the nutrient rich dung of righteous indignation, and the flower beds of victim-hood..
Second Trigger: Rescuer
I want someone to make everything all right. As a child I wanted my mommy and daddy to fix things, for me. I am 58 years old and I still wish I had a rescuer. When I am in trouble I look for someone to save me, fix things, give me the solution, share with me the secret.
In the western movies I watched back in the early 1950s one common scene, seen more than once, was when the battle with the Indians, or the Mexicans looked the bleakest, there would be the sound of a boggle, and over the hill would come the Calvary, charging full speed on steeds in numbers that extended as far as the eye could see.
In fairy tales, the witch or the evil step mother, or the local fir breathing virgin eating dragon would be defeated by a Knight in shining armor who comes and saves the beautiful princess just in time.
Prayer is more often than not, an appeal to a higher power to rescue us from our enemies, to lift us from our poverty or pain, and to save us. If you turn to God, you are turning to the ultimate rescuer. God resolves our problems, guides us through the valley of the shadow of death, protects us under his wing, shields us from all unrighteousness, and if our life on earth has an end He promises us an eternal perfect live with Him, and that is rescue my friends, plain, and simple.
Our need for a rescuer is always lurking about just beneath the surface. In difficult times, my first instinct is to look around for someone to save me.
Wanting a rescuer may be natural, but expecting a rescuer, or waiting for a rescuer is a sure fire way to be miserable and depressed.
Third Trigger: The Switch
For many years I thought there really could be a happily ever after. I am pretty sure I have suffered from depression since I was a little kid, but in my late 20s I was not just crushed by my illness I imploded with despondency. I couldn't remember crying, and suddenly I could not stop crying. I could hardly draw in air. I thought I was going to die, and looked forward to dying. I dreamed of accidents that would take my life and bring me the sweet relief of nothingness that I call death.
I went to my first Psychiatrist and got my first antidepressant, Desyrel (Trazodone Hydrochloride). I remember taking that first pill and sitting back and waiting for the depression to lift. It didn't. Since that day I have tried at least a half dozen different antidepressants and sometimes some benzodiazepines, and anti-anxiety drugs, and a couple of shrinks gave me anti-depression cocktails. Sometimes the depression did lift, but I was never sure if it was a natural lifting of despondency, which was part of some natural cycle, or if the medication was working, but never was I cured. There was never this switch flipped so I was down one moment and OK the next.
I tried different therapists, and each time I thought, "This one is going to fix me." Clearly, thirty years later, I am not fixed.
Wanting there to be a switch, believing that problems can be solved, and that conflicts can be resolved is a sure prescription for more depression. The fairy tales end with, "And they lived happily ever after," but if you really believe that a happily ever after is possible, and you see clearly that you don't have this happily ever after, then you will keep struggling to get to that happily ever after place. You will keep believing that there is a pill, or a therapist, or a switch in your mind that can "Fix" everything, and by " FIX " you mean once X happens everything that happens after that is going to be great.
Tex Norman is a Child Welfare Specialist working in the area of permanency planning. His job is to work with families to eliminate risk factors that have caused their children to come into the Department of Human Services system due to abuse and neglect. He has a number of books published POD through Lulu, and a novel (The Wewoka Switch) and a book of poetry (Portrait of a Poet As A Wild Hare) both are available through on line book sellers like Amazon, Books-a-Million and Barns and Nobel. Tex has been married for 38 years, and is very proud of his 30 year old son, Ryan Norman, who is about to complete his PhD at Princeton University doing research related to the formation of the spinal card.
depression has robbed me of many days, months, and years, lost now, but not forgotten. my medication does work for me, because i have gone without it and cried until i was able to get it again, and then, i was okay again. i, too, went through a barrage of chemicals before we finally came up with the right one. i wish people would continue on like i did, instead of giving up. i hope you use your writing to ease your mind and calm your senses. it has helped me for the past 2 1/2 years. thank you for sharing,
Thanks Sue: there is a lot of depression out there, and only some of us know we have it. I sure wish you well, as well.
And you know, I don't even know how one gets these little stars. Still I guess it is nice to get them. Peace be with you Sue. I hope you are feeling OK.
Hi tex, thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself. I don't think the answer is to deny problems or expections, but maybe realizing that we live in a fallen world and there will always be unfairness and learning to accept thd bad with the good is a hard lesson. I believe we have a rescuer that we can count on. I am praying for peace and calmness in your heart and soul. Thanks for a well written expression of your heart. Peace, Teresa
You know, Teresa: the first church I was involved with ended with a bad experience. I wish I could enjoy a life of faith, but every time I have tried I have been hurt. I'm tired of that extra pain that I have received from church people. Nevertheless, it matters to me that you want the comfort of a life of faith for me. You are a good person. Peace be with you. tex
I hear you and completely understand. I suppose I would feel the same way as you. I think its not so much I desire you to have fellowship with church people as much as it is a desire that you can separate church people from God, unfortuantely, sometimes there is a difference. I just know he is waiting with arms wide open for you to run to him and give him all your pain. I don't want to put added pressure on you :-) so this won't be my standard response to you.
First thing. I wanted to read about the fourth trigger, I only saw three.
Second Thing. I thought this was a great article. I can feel your depression, and also your passion about writing.
Question: when you are writing is your depression present?
I would bet that it is not.
I believe that is because you are in the moment, which wipes away all the triggers that you listed. Sages, prophets, wise men and more have struggled to find how to live in the moment, and teach others how to be in the moment. For me, it has been useful to focus on breathing. When I get distracted by thoughts of past or future things that bother me, the breath brings me back to now.
Anyway good work, and let me know about the fourth trigger.
I made the correction. I am so good at depression that I really have far more than just 3 triggers. I actually have been working on a book, so there are other triggers, for sure.
Fear is a trigger. Guilt. Worry. Hypersensitivity. Negative self-talk.
But you are right. As an artist and writer I do find that when I am in the thick of creating something I am not aware of the depression.
Thanks for writing, and pointing out the flaw. Most of the stuff I write is way too close to a rough draft. I need to take more care, but I am just driven sometimes to put stuff out.
I have never been to Hawaii. I hope it is great there.
I like your writing from what I read. If we didn't have spell check, no one would read my stuff.
Hawaii is Beautiful, it is powerful, it is the only place I think that I would fit in at this point. I have been here since I was 13, and it is extremely different from my birthplace Chicago.
Hawaii is also sad. Everyday it seems like more of the beautiful aina(land) gets eaten up by strip malls and golf courses. I believe that I can feel the aina's anguish. Call me insane, but that is what I believe. I get wrapped up in it sometimes, as I watch my home change.
I read some of the other comments on your article and they talk about god, and I can tell that is a funny subject for you.
My father was agnostic. He raised me pretty much that way.
When I was 16 my view changed. I was surfing, in waves bigger then I had ever dared to go out in before. Probably 25 feet tall.
I was definitely out of my league.
It was a struggle just to make it out.
When I did, I wasn't out there for five minutes when I saw a big wave on the horizon. I tried with all my might to make it out past the incoming wave, but I didn't know that on a wave that big you don't go over it, you go through the middle of it.
Right when I got to the top, the thing waterfalled, and took me over with it. I went down deep with less then a full breath.
When I came up, I didn't have time to catch a full breath, before the next one drove me back down.
This happened five or six times.
Finally I found myself underwater, and out of breath. I gave up. I reached my limit. I was ready to suck water.
Then I said to myself in my head, " God if your out there, I give up, help me if you can"
Bam, the next instant, I'm not talking second, but that instant, I hit the shore with my back, and I stood up in waist high water.
My best friend found me about ten minutes later sitting on the shore holding my head.
He thought that I had died.
I probably should have.
It was proof enough for me.
Definitely made me appreciate my breath
I have seen more proof, but those are other stories.
One other thing I wanted to say. I'm long winded on this comment, I know.
One of the easiest way to define and possibly find belief in a higher power, or god, is to talk of the oppostie, a so called Devil.
To me, the Devil is not some red horned monster with a tail, but simply the negative energy department.
When talking with people about this, and I have talked about this with quite a few, that is how I refer to it.
That little voice inside that loves to see you suffer.
The voices that bring uneasines, fear, anger, and all those other negative feelings.
The opposite of the calm steady voice that brings peace.
I have been through a lot in my 33 years.
Ups, and very low downs.
I just gave thanks that I have had the chance to experience life, and do my best appreciate the moment, because that is all there really is.
Tex, strange we say we believe, myself included, yet like you depression takes hold at times and rips us apart. It is our doubt, fear that drives us in that direction with a helping hand from life going in the wrong direction. I have always said God is in charge. Prayers certainly, but God is the ultimate as Paul learned, My Grace is sufficient for you. In other words, get up off the floor, stop whining and pick up your cross and bear it. In that I try each day. Praying, arguing, sometimes angry and mad and sometimes happy and praising and yes sadly sometimes depressed yet hoping and believing.
At AA meetings they refer to a higher power, and usually someone will say, ". . . my higher power that I choose to call God." The term is used to give a nod to the non-believers and doubters. They sometimes say, if you can't believe in God then you can perhaps believe that your higher power is AA.
Well, anyway, thanks for writing. I hope God's grace is sufficient even for people like me. You know, when Thomas doubted that Jesus had risen from the grave, Jesus didn't beat him up, or mock his weak faith. Jesus gave Thomas evidence. Jesus let Thomas touch the wounds.
I want what Thomas got. . . extrordinary evidence. You don't get everything you want, I know.
» left by Dianne Lehmann from Dewey, Arizona (347 days 10 hours ago.)
H Tex.
Your article definitely deserves those five stars and it has engendered a host of five-star comments.
I am particularly grateful to David for his "long winded" comment. I wish I'd had that much wisdom at 33!
Now to the meat of my comment. My husband has suffered from clinical depression since he was very young. He has tried all sorts of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs as well. He has read book upon book upon book dealing with life, attitudes, anger ... you name it. He meditates and re-reads and works on his mental attitudes and yet nothing quite ever "fixes" it.
Yeah, judging from his experiences, there is no switch. I won't tell you to "buck up" and get over it. I wouldn't tell my husband that. I won't tell you there is a cure. But you can modify how you look at things and I've seen that help my husband.
With all that my husband has done and all the coping mechanisms he has developed, he would be the first to tell you that when you are in the grip of your depression, none of that is worth a nickel. When he needs those things most is when he cannot access them. That's when he hopes that his current drug, Wellbutrin, will take up some of the slack. It doesn't always. But he always (I help to remind him) remembers that there have been good days and there will be more good days. That nothing stays the same forever. That you can't expect to be happy all the time or even most of the time. Even people who do not suffer from clinical depression get depressed, sometimes for long periods. I have great compassion and respect for those like you and my husband. People who have to deal with those horrible feelings and thoughts and yet keep on going.
If you would like to have a dialogue about depression with my husband, I am sure he would not mind. His name is Bernd and if I had logged in you could just click on the little envelop. Think about it.
Thanks for the comment. I too take a generic Welbutrine. I've taken Prozac, and Paxil, and more stuff than I can remember, really, and I am not fixed. I would love to know your husband, because it sounds like he is on the same path and trying some of the same things I try. I have been reading a lot of what I call Buddhist psychology books. I'm not a Buddhist I don't think, but some of their ideas seem to help.
Anyway, I wish you and your good husband peace for this season and for this life. tex
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