I know there are many out there in cyberspace who have little babies, toddlers, and children. Their days are filled to the brim. Whether mom works outside of the home or not, there are hundreds of things to juggle in order for all to run somewhat smoothly. It is never easy, although hopefully, much of it is enjoyable. Especially watching their precious little faces as they sleep and dream of the days events! Everyone tells you to enjoy them now, for they will grow all too fast. You may even get tired of hearing it. Even women who don't know you, in line at the supermarket, at the toy store, walking in the mall, feel free to hand you that nifty piece of advice. There are some days when you think to yourself, "Not fast enough!"
Babies turn into toddlers, and then children, and pre school ends as grammar school begins, and you wonder where the time went. Now there are baseball and softball and soccer practices and games, and dance lessons, gymnastics, music, and you seem to be stuck in that van for most of your free time. Thank God for cup holders for that much needed caffeine. Dinner has to fit in somewhere, and sometimes that's on everyone's lap on the way to a game. I've been through it all, and my kids father was away at work for two weeks, and there were days I thought I'd go out of my mind. I had no family or friends close by, my big idea of living in the country for the benefit of all.
Before I knew it, 8th grade graduations came, and High School began, and by the time I turned around, one was graduating, and the other two were close behind. I have one more who is a Senior in High School, and now, I wish I could freeze him in his present state, so he'll never get older. My 23 year old daughter is on her own, as is her 21 year old brother. I miss them like I'd miss my right arm. I wasn't prepared for them to leave the nest, I was too busy. All of a sudden 3 kids became 1. Their strings may have been cut from their mom, but mine remain in tact. I am proud of the work I put into them over the years so they knew what to do and how to survive in the "outside" world, but I still want to see them and talk to them every day. It doesn't happen.
I am also very proud of them for being able to figure out how to get jobs and support themselves, I just wish when they were leaving to go to work, it was out of our driveway. And yes, I realize this is the chain of events that is normal, and is supposed to happen, but my kids are my heart and soul, and I simply miss them. The occasional visit doesn't cut it, and actually, it makes it worse as I sit and talk with them, knowing they will soon be walking back out the front door. I'm just not the type of mother who wants to let go, but I have kept that to myself, and praised them on their accomplishments, and the fact that they are, indeed, on their own.
My son will be leaving to join the Air Force between January and February. When he told me, I was in shock, and said I was happy for him and proud at the decision he had made. After a long pause, he said, "Mom, I gotta tell ya, I didn't think you'd take it this well." The power of the mind, my boy. My sweet boy. He is so caring and loving and generous and thoughtful. Our birthdays are 10 days apart, Cancers are we, and we come equipped with many strong emotions. He has passed his physical and will be sworn in this week. Of course, he had to enlist for 6 years instead of 4, so he can get a better job. Ah, the pieces of my heart will probably grow back.
For those who would like to know what this feels like, it is scary, and I have to push the negative thoughts out of my mind as soon as they begin. I am also proud, and hopeful that he will do well and come out with a job that will provide for him and an eventual family. Do I want him looking into the eyes of a man, woman or child, and knowing that child might have a bomb strapped to him, having to shoot and kill? Oh, God, no. Do I think he realizes, as he tells me "If I have to go to war, I have to go to war" that he really understands what that means? Not at all. How could he? How could anyone? Does he know those memories will never go away? Will he be the same when he comes home? Absolutely not. He'll have some of the same characteristics, but he will be changed and rearranged.
He believes in the power of God, and for that I am grateful, I instilled that concept into my kids daily. So, he will know he is not alone, ever. Will that calm his fears? Reality tells me no. Fear will take over. However, I'm sure talks and prayers with God will be often. He may not even go to Iraq, or maybe the troops will be home before he finishes bootcamp and tech school, but I think it would be unrealistic not to think of the possibility. I don't understand why countries have to go to war, when we, the people, have to figure out ways to agree and disagree without shooting each other, ever day. There are skills to mediation. Where are the people in Washington who are supposed to be fluent in these skills? Will we see them in this next administration? I am praying with every fiber of my existence that this will be so. So I guess if anyone needs me in the next 6 years, I'll be on the edge of my seat. Yes, they do grow up fast.
Be safe, my child.
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