Wasilla, Alaska. The Third Thursday Confederated United World-wide Front Without Fear Vanguard Patriot Alliance Union Movement. Emergency Meeting, Executive Committee. 3:00 am. (Music link: Turkey in The Straw )
Minutes. Found by our investigator wildlife and natural resources reporter from unnamed sources who were fearful of retaliation if named. E-mailed in PDF.]
Speaker: "Call Margolis and Plouffe. We need their e-mail list! Round up volunteers. Organize early "met and eats." TTCUWFWFVPAUM (pronounced: Tee ku wolfy wolfy v-pa 'em) can pull this out. We can't let our million fowl feathered members down."
Speaker 2: "You're right. We
OWN Thanksgiving. From the first one declared by that South Carolina guy, Henry Laurens, in 1777. Now that was a trick to get him to issue that executive proclamation. Put us in business. We're right next to apple pie. A "chicken in the pot" didn't dent our share. Why we're ahead of the cherry tree. We have higher name recognition that that bald eagle."
Speaker 3: "Who ever sees the eagle? You have to traipse in the woods. We're on every table, stacked up in every major store in the food chain. We got low health risk. Positive press."
Worried, Speaker 4: "Until now! Why did this have to come up? Right before the holiday, when the trucks and pens are full. After all, we have been loyal, low key, never got greedy, never let the market get out of control. We have annual features on "Today" and "Good Morning, America." Our prices were strong when the market crashed. We are a line item, veto-proof. We have a big tent, been inclusive. We have reached out to vegetables and berries. Sweet potatoes, white potatoes, green beans, cranberries are the strength of our coalition. But I hear they are thinking about jumping over to hams. Or worse, Cornish hens."
Voices jumbled: "NO. AHH. NO WAY! SHEEZESH! WORD!
Speaker 5: "Calm down. Don't ruffle your feathers. We have worked hard. Why, I ate 20 pounds of grain last week. I can barely wobble. Don't get your snoods and wattles up." (Executive members snoods and wattles all turn bright red.) Keep hope alive!"
From the toaster to the roaster, at the spread for the family feast, or on old-fashioned white bread we are the best, to say the least!"
Speaker 6: "Yes but she had the audacity to read that pardon that wasn't worth the paper it was printed on. And then, she who can field dress a mouse and children in diapers, wouldn't even touch us! It was humiliating! We were treated like step children! The pardonee wasn't even preselected! She acted like it was a darn lottery! And did you see who they picked? He was not our best representative! Check his birth certificate. He's probably from Russia and flew over when the guard left the porch. Now he's been selected as the pardonee! How did it happen?"
Speaker 7: "Ask her. She's got all the executive experience running governments and small towns. Last year, my nephew went to an apartment complex bigger than this place. I knew she'll let us down when I saw her funky dance moves. And she picked a "Tom." Females still trapped behind the "feather wall." She diss-ed us. And that gobbledy-gunk about "friend to all creatures" and "term of endearment" and no "death penalty" and then the stab "find adequate nourishment elsewhere." And I thought she and us were pals."
Speaker 8: "Speaking of lotteries, did anybody get last night's Pick Four?"
Shouts, groans, indistinguishable . . .
" Sorry I asked! You guys and girls are all so up tight!"
Speaker 9: "Maybe we can get Todd?"
Speaker 10: "He
never speaks. Unless he's calling a government office to check on family concerns."
Speaker 1: "He oughta be concerned. His wife is "the one" who has to bring the turkey!"
Speaker 2: "We knew she was to risky to assign the pardon, but the media demanded it. It's the media's fault!"
Speaker 3: "But the interview! Live birds on the left. Dead, dying birds on the right! Her smiling, cheerfully professing the "same values," while America was watching us get whacked! Not once, twice! A blast? We got bushwhacked! And the infamy of being carried by our feet! We agreed to always shield our dirty little secret from the public. "Invite criticism?" Wait until PETA gets hold of this! It's ALL OVER youtube and the blog sites. I knew from the beginning she was risky. Nobody knew anything about her. Why all those schools? A video greeting to the party that supports succession? She wants to seize the oil and leave the Union! And now she's ruined us!"
Speaker 4: "PETA put out a video with a worker stomping on our heads! It was sick!"
Speaker 5: "The stuffing people are on the phone. They want to know what we are going to do about this problem. And how can we be in next week's school lunches after those awful images! How bad were sales down today? Do we need our own float in the Macy's parade? Will Big Bird give us a testimonial?
Speaker 6: "Call Barack. Get that socialist to pay up for our support. Tell him to announce a tax credit for every family that buys from our own, 10 pound minimum."
All: "We like it! Where's that Blackberry?"
tweet this!
