 
Lord Grant me more Patience please.
Who would have known that I would ever become a mother? Anyone who knows me personally still can't believe it, especially my mother. I promised myself since I was in my early 20's that I would never have children nor get married.
For 38 years I was a free being on this planet, coming and going as I pleased since leaving my parents side and renting my first apartment at the age of 19.
From the ages of 19-38, though working shift work, life was great even though it didn't feel like it at times. I could sleep in every day, have friends over at any time, watch whatever I wanted to on television. My house was always clean and I didn't have to pick up after anyone, I didn't have to cook if I didn't feel like it, I went to the gym and worked out 5 days a week, 3-4 hours a day, my vehicles were always spotless inside and out and the list goes on but, at times, I admit it was lonely.
Then I met my husband. We dated for maybe a year and a half and we had to think fast what we wanted in each of our own lives. He had always wanted a family, wife, kids, house, the whole package. I just wanted happiness, which I had a very hard time finding due to having had depression and severe anxiety for most of my life, which is the reason I had decided not to have children as I didn't want to pass this on to them.
Eventually I decided. "Ok. Let's go for it before I change my mind." I only had a few years to be able to get pregnant if I could get pregnant.
Three months later I was pregnant and that was the happiest day of my entire life. I will never forget that feeling as long as I live. Three months after that we were married. No wedding, just our parents there, along with my sister who was my matron of honour and his brother who was his best man.
I didn't even bother with all the wedding dress and stuff. We all just wore our comfortable clothes, I told my pastor to dress comfortably as well. After the vows and papers were signed we all went out for a Chinese supper. And that was that, I went from a Miss to a Mrs. in 15 minutes. In total we spent about $700 on everything including rings, the meal, and a gift for the pastor. I was never a person big on weddings anyways, let alone walk down an aisle with the church full of people and not have a panic attack, so the way we got married was perfect for me.
Now you're probably wondering where is the part of this story about being a mother at 43 years old. It's coming; I just wanted to give you a little information about how this came to be.
Not only did my pregnancy put me off work immediately, I have never been sick for 9 months in a row like that in my life. Actually, it was only for 8 months, since my oldest Philip was born a month ahead of schedule. I don't know how I gained weight while throwing up my guts all the time and eating chicken broth. I guess most of if was due to having high blood pressure, a condition called Preclampsia.
On July 4, 2004 I was taken in for a c-section and I was scared out of my mind. I never had an operation in my life and not only that but my blood pressure was so high I thought, and I think the doctors and nurses thought I would have a heart attack. It was terrible that is all I can say, the entire pregnancy was terrible except for that first day I found out I was pregnant and also when the baby moved inside my tummy that was really cool!
When Philip was born, I couldn't hear him cry though they tried to get him to make a noise. (he was ok but it scared me that he wasn't making any noise except these tiny little whimpers) These were all new experiences for me and I didn't like any of them.
He was 6 lbs and 9 oz, a good size little guy for being a month early, but he soon went down to about 5 lbs 4 oz. They wouldn't let me bring him home with me so I stayed there until he was finally released on the condition that I bring him back every day to get weighed for the next two weeks.
When someone tells you that when you have children your life is going to change a lot, they are just kidding. It changes more than a lot, it does a complete turnaround. You now have a 48 hour job stuffed into a 24 hour day and nothing, and I mean nothing is the same or yours ever again.
Ever since July 4th, 2004 I have not slept one full night, even to this day which is December 3rd, 2008, and I feel it. I had never ever dreamt that being a mother was going to be as hard as it is for me. I went into a major depression or baby blues and actually I think I still have it if that is possible.
Then around the first of April I was not even through my maternity leave from work for Philip and we found out that number two baby was coming. I definitely
didn't do the dance that I did with the first pregnancy. I was in a state of shock, terror, happiness, sadness, I was screwed up actually and my husband was thrilled.
I had just lost all my baby weight and had worked really hard at getting to the gym everyday and exercising. Two days after I reached my goal weight (and feeling quite happy about it) is when I found out about baby #2. Since then I never was able to get back onto a schedule of exercising or any normality what so ever.
Philip (the # 1 baby) and I travelled everyday to McDonalds for my pregnancy craving, French fries; to this day I can't eat them, not after 8 months of stuffing my face with them. Yes, 8 months again, Benjamen was born a month early as well. The same thing happened, preclampsia. This time it spread into my kidneys, liver etc. I have no idea what that all meant, but I do remember my doctor telling me that we have to get the baby out early because of it. I mentioned to him that I wanted my tubes tied; I didn't want any more babies. But he refused do it saying that if the baby died I would probably regret it having it done and to be on the safe side we should wait. I remember after him saying that to me my ears started ringing and I felt paralyzed in a weird way. The word "died" totally freaked me right into a panic. After a few minutes of conversation with my doctor he had calmed me down and I was able to relax. When I was in the operating room this time I wasn't scared like I was for my first baby, I talked thru the entire operation and actually enjoyed waiting for Benjamen to arrive.
After the doctor sewed me up he counted all his instruments to make sure they were all there. He was missing one. And he had to find it before I or anyone was going to leave that operating room. "Great", I thought where is that thing? Oh my God, I hope he finds it. He was a little panicky I noticed, but after what seemed like 10 minutes, which really was only about 2 he found whatever it was he was looking for, I don't know what he was looking for, but I am glad that he didn't sew me up with it still in my belly. It's funny now when I think back, the look on his face looking for it.
Just a note for you who have c-sections in the future, if the huge operating light up above you is shiny around the sides and it acts like a mirror but it's not made for that, you can actually watch your operation in a way, I wish they would have had a mirror because I would have loved to have been able to watch. But I swear I could see my uterus lying up on my stomach, I swear to God that is what I saw. When I said "Doctor is that my uterus sitting out on my stomach?" he said "Yes, how are you seeing that?" I told him, and the nurse kind of growled and told me not to look in the reflection, but I did anyway. Benjamen was born on January 1st, 2006. Happy New Year! I just wanted to get some more pain killers and go to sleep. Ben was so tiny; he weighed 5 lbs and 4 oz. Even the preemie diapers were too big .  Later in time, I was thinking about my mother's words "You're going to have children someday that are going to act just like you and probably worse." I kind of wonder what God's reasoning was to have my babies be born on Jan 1 and July 4th. So within three years I got married and had 2 babies. Going from being very independent, having a good paying job that I could retire on, and coming and going as I pleased ALL CHANGED. Here is a list of things I have learned in the past 3 years (*NOTE* if you are a teenager wanting to get pregnant read this first before you do that ok). I will try to keep this in order as they grow. 1. Sleep- never again will you have a full night relaxing, deep, untroubled sleep. You will not get those "ah, I get to sleep in" days again. 2. Babies pee and poop a lot. I tried cloth diapers and I wouldn't wish that on anyone if they don't have to. It cost us almost $40 a week for diapers. 3. If you don't breast feed, you will need to buy formula. Mine was $70.00 for pre-made similac stuff. I couldn't use the cheaper on Ben because he was broken. 4. Crying. They can not tell you what is wrong, they will not stop crying if you say "STOP CRYING" and you have to figure it out or try to. Some babies don't stop crying, it's called colic, and it's terrible. All day and night, you constantly feel like "AHHHH" 5. Monthly doctor appointments and needles.
6. Babies get sick and it's not fun.
7. Constant supervision and I mean constant!!
8. You probably won't have anything brand new to wear that will not be stained with baby food, markers, boo boos, the list goes on.
9. Your furniture will be totally ruined. Good advice, invest in vinyl or leather couch, it wipes off.
10. Trying to toilet train a little boy? Put a fruit loop or cheerio in the toilet. This helps him to pee IN the toilet and not around it.
11. Huge responsibility till the end of your life.
12. When you dress kids why do they want to flop to the floor like a rag doll?
There is so much more too, but having babies at a later stage in life is exhausting physically and mentally. It is probably exhausting in earlier years also but I know this hasn't been an easy adjustment for me.
I am finding food in places where I didn't know it could get. This morning I got up my couch was used for drawing paper, thank goodness for magic erasers.
To sum up my story being a mother at 43 it is the hardest job there is on the face of this earth and if anyone says, "Have two its easier than one!" they are lying!!! But the hugs, kisses, I love yous, watching them learn to walk and talk, when they just come up and hug your leg and say I love you mommy sooooo much, makes it worth every tear I cried because I was tired physcially and mentally. I love my little boys so much it hurts.
To answer my question is it worth it? Yes it is.
 
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