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For several years now I have considered writing a book of some of my favorite jokes. I am a sad, introverted guy, but I have a vast storehouse of jokes in my brain. I learned to remember and tell jokes because I was an abused child, and my father liked jokes. I usually blame my poor math skills on my vast reservoir of jokes. I have so preoccupied my brain with jokes that I had no brain cells left to learn algebra.
Many people know I am a joke teller, and that I know millions of jokes, yet when someone says, "Tell me a joke," I often can't do it. I don't actually have the jokes at the ready. Conversations remind me of jokes. As topics come out in a conversation I will remember a joke that fits the conversation. As I visit with people I repeatedly say, "That reminds me of a joke. . ."
Because my jokes are not part of my knowledge base, but are triggered memories, it is very hard for me to write my joke book. Sitting alone, I have no conversation to trigger my joke recall. Nevertheless, I'm going to give it a try and share some of my jokes now:
Riddle Jokes
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: They use honey combs.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Back in the 1950s we had dozens of jokes we called "little moron jokes." These were politically insensitive jokes (because of the word moron) but, to be honest, I didn't know what the word moron meant, I'd only heard it on Three Stooges movies, and so it did not mean I was poking fun at mentally defective people.
Q: Why did the little moron hit himself in the head with a hammer?
A: Because it felt so good when he stopped.
Q: Why did the little moron throw the clock out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
My very first dirty joke was a little moron joke that I told often and didn't understand for many years. Now the joke is so dated it means almost nothing to people.
Q: Why did the little moron take the TV into the bathroom?
A: He wanted to see Howdy Doody.
Over time jokes took on more of a story character:
A guy gets a flat tire near an insane asylum. When he gets the lug nuts off the flat tire he puts them inside the hub cap, and when he stands up he accidentally steps on the hub cap, the lug nuts come flying out, roll toward the curb, and fall down deeply into a rain grate.
"Now what do I do?" said the guy.
There is this crazy guy who has been leaning against the fence the whole time watching the whole thing, so the crazy guy makes a suggestion.
"Why don't you take one lug nut off of each of the other tires? That way all four tires will have 3 lug nuts. That should be enough to get you safely to a garage where you can buy another set."
"That's brilliant!" says the stranded driver. "That's really a great idea. What is someone as smart as you are doing in an insane asylum?"
"Well," says the patient. "I may be crazy, but I'm not STUPID!"
There are millions of traveling salesman jokes.
A traveling salesman got lost out in the country, and as he is driving around he sees this farmer walking along a fence line and next to the farmer is this huge hug pig, and then the salesman notices that the pig has a wooden leg. He thinks to himself, I have got to ask about this unusual pig,' and pulls over.
"Say buddy," says the traveling salesman. "That is one unusual pig you got there."
"Unusual?" says the farmer. "I'll say this is an unusual pig. Last winter my little girl went running out on the frozen pond and broke through the ice and went in. This pig went running at the pond, broke up the ice, swam out to my little girl, grabbed her by her snow suit, and pulled her to shore. And a month later the house caught on fire and the whole family was in bed asleep. This pig went running and the door, running at the door, beat the door down, ran up the stairs pulled my little children out of the house by their PJs, woke me and the wife up and save the whole family."
"Wow," says the traveling salesman. "And this pig has a wooden leg as well."
"Well, I told you this was a special pig," says the farmer. "You don't eat a pig like that all at once."
Gross-out jokes are great for getting a shocked laughing response.
An old guy goes ice fishing, and when he gets to his spot where he has previously punched a hole in the ice, he notices he is about 10 feet away from this young kid who is fishing his own hole in the ice. The kid has a hug pile of fish beside him on the ice. As the old guy fishes he notices after a couple of hours that he hasn't had one bite, but the kid near by is catching big fish about every 4 or 5 minutes. Finally, the old guy goes over to the kid to ask about this.
"Say kid," says the old guy, "I've been fishing for a couple of hours and haven't gotten one bite. I'm less than ten feet away from you, and you have been catching fish about as fast as you can re-bait your hook. What's your secret?"
The kid says, "eeeep oour ooorms oorm."
"What's that?" says the old guy.
"eeeep oour ooorms oorm."
"I'm sorry, but I'm not understanding you."
The kid suddenly puts his hands in front of his face, spits out this huge wad of something and says, "Keep your worms warm!"
Some jokes work because they do something similar to magic. The story distracts you, makes your mind think you know what is coming next in the tale, and then, out of left field comes some unexpected absurdity.
Second Banana: Would you hit a woman with a child?
Top Banana: No. I'd use a brick.
Tex Norman is a Child Welfare Specialist working in the area of permanency planning. His job is to work with families to eliminate risk factors that have caused their children to come into the Department of Human Services system due to abuse and neglect. He has a number of books published POD through Lulu, and a novel (The Wewoka Switch) and a book of poetry (Portrait of a Poet As A Wild Hare) both are available through on line book sellers like Amazon, Books-a-Million and Barns and Nobel. Tex has been married for 38 years, and is very proud of his 30 year old son, Ryan Norman, who is about to complete his PhD at Princeton University doing research related to the formation of the spinal card.
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