I will be jolted from a sound sleep by the unexpected feel and taste of bird feathers in my mouth. Our cat, Winnie, will be sleeping soundly next to me, clearly in the grips of an intense dream. I will realize that, after years of wondering just what exactly it is that she wants, I have acquired the ability to read her mind.
February 3, 2009, 3:47:23 a.m., Tuesday
Bernd will sit up suddenly in bed. He will throw back the covers and dash out into the kitchen. He will flip several switches before he finds the one that controls the lights in the kitchen. He will search frantically for a pen and a piece of paper. He will not find one in time and his minor case of attention deficit disorder will rob the world of finally, once and for all, knowing what the true meaning of life is. I will be witness to all of this and his utter despair upon returning to bed because I was already lying there, awake, trying to find the off button for my ability to read Winnie's mind.
March 2, 2009, 4:13:03 p.m., Monday
Bernd will be at work. A customer will come up to him and say, "I can still see the frames and I don't want to be able to see the frames." Bernd will say, "I'm sorry, but we've already fitted you with the largest eyeglasses that we have. Why don't you try not looking at them." The customer will leave in a huff saying, "I'm never coming back here again." The only truly amazing thing in all this is that Bernd will have said, "I'm sorry." Oh, and Bernd will celebrate the fifty-sixth anniversary of his birth.
April 15, 2009, 5:59:59 p.m., Wednesday
I will finally finish painting the trim on the house, which I began on September 30, 2008 at 1:13:47 p.m. Bernd and I will then have wild pacific salmon sauted in olive oil with paprika, onion powder, black pepper and potassium chloride, along with steamed snap peas tossed in toasted sesame oil and sesame seeds, and brown rice for lunch.
May 31, 2009, 10:23:01 a.m., Sunday
While sitting at the computer and trying to write a new article to submit to Search Warp, I will realize that I have always known what Winnie wants and never needed to be able to read her mind. It will have become apparent after one hundred and fifty-one days, ten hours and twenty-two minutes, that all she ever wants is attention and food.
June 29, 2009, 3:25:16 a.m., Monday
I will awake from a sound sleep and remember that June 29 th is my sister's birthday and I have forgotten to send her a card. I will notice that even though Winnie is sleeping right next to me, I can not hear her thoughts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
July 15, 2009, 2:33:49 p.m., Wednesday
Bernd and I will be taking a walk on the Fain Ranch land. We will have finally remembered to take our binoculars along. We will see something in the far distance that we can not quite make out. Bernd will use the binoculars and then exclaim, "Well, I'll be!" He will hand the binoculars to me whereupon I will see that aliens have landed their spacecraft, debarked, and are attempting to make conversation with a steer. Several other steer will be standing with their back ends to the aliens. The aliens will then, after precisely three minutes and twenty-two seconds, get back into their spacecraft and leave for the next planet on their list. At which point, I will say, "Well, I'll be."
August 8, 2009, 10:30:05 a.m., Saturday
Bernd will ask for this day off because it is my birthday and he wants to spend it with me. He will snap awake from his sound, after breakfast nap. He will look at me and say, "What did you say?" To which I will answer, "I didn't say anything." He will say, "Sure you did. I distinctly heard you say something." I will say, "Well, if you so distinctly heard it, what did I say?" He will think very hard for a moment and then he will say, "You said, 'Feed me. Feed me now'." We will both look at each other for a moment and then I will say, "Well, I did discover that Winnie has a maximum range that only reaches down to about the end of the block. Look at the bright side, you work outside of home." At the precise moment he snaps awake, I will be fifty-seven years and five seconds old.
September 21, 2009, 1:35:41 a.m., Monday
Bernd will be jolted awake by a twenty pound cat leaping from the floor to his stomach. This will be the first time Winnie has done this to him, though she has frequently done this to me. She will stand on his stomach and lightly and repeatedly press his nose until he finally comes to his senses. When he does, he realizes that he can no longer hear her thoughts. Winnie, also realizing the same thing, will have been attempting to engage his reset button. Bernd utters a loud, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," which wakes me up in time to hear Winnie utter a loud sigh, which my mind automatically translates to, "Well, I guess I'll just have to go back to meowing again."
September 21, 2009, 8:45:31 a.m., Monday
I will be sitting finishing reading a chapter in my read-it-with-breakfast book, when I will hear the scrub jays on the deck yelling, "Peanuts. Now. Want peanuts now. Where are the peanuts? Give us peanuts now." I will throw them some peanuts. They will take them all away. They will begin yelling for more.
September 21, 2009, 11:03:01 a.m., Monday
I will walk out to the mailbox to see if there is any mail in it. The neighbor's dog will start yelling at me. He will say, "Get away from that post. That's my post. I pee on that post. Are you listening to me? Didn't I say it loud enough? THAT'S MY POST!" I will roll my eyes and heave a big sigh and quickly go back into the house before the quails give me what for. The earplugs will be of no use whatsoever.
September 21, 2009, 8:33:11 p.m., Monday
I will be sitting in my recliner, nursing a splitting headache. The male crickets have been telling the female crickets just how desirable they are for hours already and I will be sick and tired of hearing how long this ones antennas are or how far the other can jump. Then all of a sudden, all I will hear will be crick-crick-crick. I will say out loud, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," and Bernd, in his recliner, will nod knowingly.
October 31, 2009, 6:22:54 p.m., Saturday
The trick-or-treaters will have been knocking on the door for one hour, three minutes and twenty-one seconds, when there is another knock on the door. I will open it and see three small aliens standing there. It will be some of the most amazing makeup and costuming that I have ever seen. I will say, "Wow. Those are great get-ups, but where are your treat bags?" The tallest alien will say, "Gort, Klaatu barada nickto." Then I will say, "Yeah, that's nice but do you want some candy or not?" The aliens will then turn and walk back out to their spacecraft which they will have parked on our cotoneaster. Then I will say, "Well, I'll be."
November 13, 2009, 2:08:49 p.m., Friday
I will be sitting at my computer trying to put the finishing touches on an article for Search Warp when I will hear a loud whistle accompanied by a dull, booming throb. There will be a bright white light and
November 13, 2009, 2:08:50 p.m., Friday
I will be sitting at my computer trying to put the finishing touches on an article for Search Warp when I will hear a loud whistle accompanied by a dull, booming throb. There will be a bright white light and
November 13, 2009, 2:08:51 p.m., Friday
I will be sitting at my computer trying to put the finishing touches on an article for Search Warp when I will hear a loud whistle accompanied by a dull, booming throb. There will be a bright white light and
December 31, 2009, 9:29:51 p.m., Thursday
I will be sitting in my recliner, yawning a big yawn. Bernd will be doing likewise. We will both decide that it is time to go to bed. As I am crawling between our nice flannel sheets, I will look back on the year just passed and say to myself, "Guess it was all just business as usual."
Dianne Lehmann is a jewelry designer who has been in business since January of 2000. Her interest in designing and manufacturing jewelry goes back beyond that to 1994. It took her many years of trying various creative outlets to finally figure out that making jewelry is where she could really shine. Dianne began with simply stringing beads onto cable and has progressed from there. She is now an accomplished lapidary (cuts and polishes stones) and silversmith. Dianne and her husband, Bernd, live in northern Arizona and both love to hike. Dianne can not help but pick up rocks (they are her first love) and some of these find their way into her jewelry. Dianne makes one-of-a-kind pieces that she hopes give people as much joy to view as she gets from the making of them.If you like, you may view her work at http://www.syzygyjewelry.com
Hi Dianne, I am glad that I got to comment first on your article, your articles are so cute...I love them. You have a beautiful year ahead of you if this is the way ur years past usally are......Your article is not political either and that's nice. I don't like political stuff.........although I am not an American, but I know more about your gov than mine.....LOL Oh...I can give you canadian money if you like to come with us, we'll just trade some............ that would be a plan. Beach bound...i have a few I am canadian Tee Shirts to....Happy New Year my friend xo
That's so sweet, but I'm afraid you'd be on the losing end of that. Actually, I don't travel well because of my chemical sensitivities and food allergies. I always end up sick and not enjoying myself at all. :( Probably about the time March rolls around you'll be good and ready for some time on the beach.
Glad you liked my predictions. Yeah, I really can't complain too much about my life. Haven't actually had any aliens visit me lately, but you never know what the new year might bring.
Hi Dianne, these are great predictions. You are so right,! In so many ways, things will be much the same--and it will be a blessing to have the comforts and predictability of everday home life. We will need these for those occasional surprises that are sure to come our way!
Thanks for delightful read! Many blessings to you in 2009! Love and hugs, Teresa
Hi Dianne, what a great piece. I hear a lot of voices in my head too and just always thought they were me, not the dog or my son's goldfish. Makes a lot of sense though.
The constant "feed me" you speak of has put 10 pounds on my behind, the "throw me a tenis ball" took those pounds back off and the "please clean the bowl" comments at least pleased my mother during her routine bathroom inspections, etc... makes perfect sense now.
Thank you for sharing! I really did enjoy this article, very clever and well written, lol
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