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Another beautiful day in America and to celebrate I thought it would be interesting to note a new breed of individual I have noticed lately in the news. I have included the profession and then followed it with a quote from this new breed. And yes, this is definitely tongue-in-cheek. I mean, it's the news, you know?
New Environmentalists
"The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The . . . oh wait, I forgot. You can read."
New Anti-Environmentalists
"Seems a little warmer this year, doesn't it? Nice . . . oh, wait!"
New Politicians 1 (Republicans)
"I believe in the Bill of Rights. Well . . . I have a problem with the first one."
New Politicians 2 (Democrats)
"I believe in the Bill of Rights. Well . . . I have a problem with the second one."
New Politicians 3 (Both Parties)
"What does this mean on the application: public service?"
New Non-Conformists
"I'm going to grow my hair long to stand out. No, wait, that's not new. I'm going to get a tattoo. No, wait, that's not new. I'm going to protest the war. No wait, that's not new. I'm going to stop eating meat! No wait, that's not new. I'm not going to buy American cars! No wait, no one else is, either. I'm going to . . . "
New Doctors (Gynecology)
"We have disassembled it completely and we understand the basic replication mechanism."
New Art Critics (Speaking on Graffiti)
"There is no objective test for the use of slang in the English language, especially when the word is used out of context."
New Immigrants
"I don't understand; why would I press '2' for English?"
New Natives
"I don't understand; why is it '2' for English and not '1'?"
New Explorers
"This can't be right: it's not even on the map!"
New Writers
"What do you mean, 'unsolicited'? How else will you get my stuff if you don't know me?"
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