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One of first argument technique is a method of conflict resolution that recognizes the first (or one of them) argument in a relationship as an essential tool for understanding, healing and resolving ongoing relationship conflicts. One of your argument reveals significant information about you and your partner; information that is useful and has the capacity to save you years of heartache and headaches.
Whether it seems overwhelmingly devastating or trivial at the time, this argument establishes important boundaries and guidelines for arguments yet to come. The groundwork laid by your unresolved argument provides the foundation from which all future arguments will ignite and launch. Your first argument informs each partner what is important to the other in the relationship. While it may not be acknowledged at the time, this is linked to each partner's core issue, which dates back to childhood.
It is common to hear couples say that they constantly have the same argument or that they always seem to bicker over small, seemingly inconsequential things. It's also not uncommon to hear couples say that they don't even know what they are fighting about anymore. It's not that the partners in all of these relationships don't genuinely love each other, or that they ultimately can't work things out, it's simply that their first argument remains unresolved and their core issues are continuously touched upon without actually being acknowledged.
While it looks like they are arguing over driving styles, where to eat, or who should take out the garbage, the conflict is actually being fueled by each partner's underlying core issues that are unwittingly triggered during these seemingly trivial squabbles. Therefore, while each of these arguments may sound and feel different than that initial unsettled conflict, in reality they are just a different variation of the same repeating quarrel.
By using the argument technique, couples can avoid decades of wrestling with conflict and trying to decipher their disagreements in an effort to understand what is really going on. They key is to understand and acknowledge the importance of the first argument and recognize its significance in revealing underlying issues that need to be addressed. This will allow the couple to better understand what they are really arguing about, to break unhelpful patterns and to minimize the conflict, stress and turmoil in their relationship.
Until couples recognize the importance of the first argument as a tool of healing and self-knowledge, they tend to fight in circles, repeating the same things over and over, re-hashing the details of each fight in a desperate attempt to find some resolution, and ending each argument with no more clarity or understanding than the last.
Once a couple has grasped the overall significance of the first argument and has come to understand that these small issues are connected to bigger issues, like the core issues revealed in the first argument, they can begin to unravel the smaller issues into manageable, solvable pieces separate from the bigger issues they were triggering.
Understanding the value of the first argument and revealing the bigger issues removes some of the stress from the relationship and opens pathways for resolution. Grasping what the bigger issues are is an important step towards better understanding what you are really arguing about and allows each partner to stop and recognize what is really bothering them.
Determining what the big issues are allows you to shed some of the stress shrouding your relationship and to be more present with each other on a day-to-day basis. This clarity and reduced conflict will also help you recognize and resolve smaller issues as they come about.
Continual arguing hurts each partner and damages the relationship; therefore, steps that are taken to better understand the cause of the arguments and to reveal the underlying root are one way to safeguard your relationship against the ongoing harm caused by unresolved conflict.
Embracing your first argument for the instructive and healing tool that it is allows you to better manage conflict in your relationship and provides a conflict resolution outline for you to refer to when you find yourself repeating the same things over and over and returning to circular argument techniques. Use this technique to help you take a step back to acknowledge your pain and to recognize how that pain relates to your past pain and core issues. This will help each of you to shed new light on an old argument.
When left unresolved, the argument can grow into a seemingly insurmountable obstacle in your relationship, but, when embraced and addressed you will learn important information from your first argument that could save you decades of pain and conflict.
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Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
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