I recently shared a meal with some acquaintances. The conversation turned to how relationships start. Someone explained, to much laughter from the group, how she tried everything to get away, but eventually realised that someone was Mr Right and perfect for her. That moment changed her life.
One of the men nodded, and agreed that one just know when someone is right. He had the same feeling when he met his girlfriend a few months before.
I knew the man was married, but in England there is this weird situation where you get divorced in stages - like cutting off the tail of a dog bit by bit, so that it will hurt less? And form what I can gather British people generally do not wait for the process to end before they move on to a different relationship.
When I asked sympathetically how long the man had been separated from his wife, he said no, he is happily married. He then told me that in the UK it is "traditional" for a man to have a mistress. He also said that his wife was aware of his "lady friends" but she has no idea how intimate these "friendships" are, and that kept them both happy.
That did not really surprise me. A few months after I arrived in the UK, I went to visit a lady in her 80's when she was recovering in hospital after an operation. We were talking about the news of the day, which had something to do with the accident in which princess Diana died. I must have said something about Diana (I cannot remember the entire conversation) but that triggered a tirade against Diana because "she did not know her place, she was not royal, and she complained about nothing and embarrassed the royal family, because a man, and especially a prince, is fully entitled to his 'bit on the side'".
I was astonished at the time, not so much about what the old lady said, but because I got to know her as a very Christian person and a staunch supporter of the Church of England. But then the Church of England has its roots in the actions of King Henry VIII who had a wandering eye and believed that his rules were the only rules, especially when it came to women.
I was not quite sure what to think about this man that seems to be an intelligent, decent man who gets on well with everybody.
However, outside of work you would think that he is a predator that finds vulnerable women, tells them that he is married and intends to remain so, and then has a relationship with them that obviously excludes children and many other means of sharing a life. Those women know that they cannot make any claim on his time or how he lives his life, because society will turn against the women as being home-wreckers. Few people will question the motives of a happily married man.
I am not convinced that his wife really knows nothing about these other women (it turned out there were two of them at the time, and he really has to juggle his social schedule to get round to everyone and ensure that he is not discovered).
Is this about morality? That is what most people would think.
However, I am convinced that it is about balance. The husband finds other women because he is missing some balance in his life. He does not have much in common with his wife (I overheard conversations where he was perfectly civil and friendly with her, but he could not remember which day of the week she has a half-day job). This does not matter to him because by the time he gets home she is there, waiting for him. With his mistresses, on the other hand, he always knows where they are - and this is important because he does not want them to run into each other or into his wife. That is balance.
Where is the balance for the wife? She is financially dependent on her husband. If she leaves him, she will have to find a job to maintain herself. If she values having loads of free time without her husband (that may even include a relationship with another man) and being maintained by a man, then she is satisfied. However, this will only be the position when she values those things above fidelity and honesty.
Where is the balance for the mistress? Her need for sex is satisfied, and she has the excitement of an illicit relationship as well as companionship. At the same time she has an admirer that is not there all the time, which gives her freedom. As long as these values outrank the values of for example having children or having a relationship based on trust, then she is happy.
Most often when a relationship comes to an end, it is because the values of the two partners clash. Sometimes people get into a relationship with clashing values, and they quickly move from infatuation to resentment and the end of the relationship. Other times people with different values have a relationship, and they grow and learn from one another.
When you look at the satisfaction of values in a marriage rather than at the document that makes it a marriage, the picture looks different. And the same holds for other relationships like employment or friendship as well.
Next time I will withhold my judgement and rather add to my understanding.
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Elsabe Smit is the author of the soul-touching collection of short stories, A Tapestry of Life and of the blog http://www.mypurpleblog.com , Spiritual interpretations of everyday life.
Elsabe Smit works internationally as a professional transition coach, spiritual teacher, writer and public speaker.
Hi Elsabe, this is an interesting perspective. Your title is a bit misleading--or at least it was to me. I thought you were going to talk about how having a mistress was not moral, I guess that was my preconceived idea.
Anyway, well written. Except I am a little confused on how this thought could apply to employers, are you saying its okay to cheat them on the side as long as we do what they are paying us to do as well?
What I am
saying is that our values determine our actions, and that we are not to
judge others because we are not experts on their values and their view
of the world.
If your value system says it is not OK to cheat
your employer while doing your job, then you would probably be
disgusted with yourself and feel dishonest if you have to e.g. get a second job to earn
more money, even if it is just for a short time to deal with some
crisis.
On the other hand, if your value system says it is
always OK to be pragmatic, even if it means breaking or bending the
rules, as long as nobody gets hurt, you will probably be proud of
yourself for thinking of the solution of getting a second job.
Either
way, I cannot express a judgement over your actions, because I am an
outsider looking into your head and you may have drawn the blinds just
before I tried to peek ;-)
Thanks for taking a moment to answer my question. I was thinking that you did not believe in moral absolutes and I wanted to make sure I was not drawing a wrong conclusion from your article. You answered nicely and clearly.
I think the problem with society is that people have a "to each his own" mentality. And to some degree that is good, everyone has the right to behave as they wish, the problem is without God's absolute moral values and truth at work, people do get hurt.
For instance, cheating on your spouse is adultry in God's eyes and is truth no matter what justification a person gives. It's not judging as unto condemnation, but it is a judgement based on a moral law layed out by the Creator. Anyway, just my thoughts.
The title caught my eye to this piece, I have to admit.
It was quite intriguing.
It is true what you say about the royals having their mistresses - it's tradition, if you will, and it wasn't just Henry VIII who played up on it. Yes, he was the man to give momentum to the changes of the Church, but it was in fact not he, but his daughter, Elizabeth, who made the Church what it is today. That Church does not allow adultery.
I think that this topic is very now and very controversial. Personally, a marriage is a promise of many things to another person - one of those things is being completely faithful - and it is your responsibility to maintain those once you make that promise. I can also understand that some people do not regard it as cheating if they have a casual relationship on the sidelines, especially when emotions aren't attached, however I don't see why people who want to be like that get married in the first place.
I'd be interested in reading any thing you write to extend these thoughts.
Elsabe your article very interesting. I take no position as to belief. Yet I will add this for pondering. In fact it sort of confirms much of what I have written to concerning this day and age about morals and relativity. let me explain if I can. Sometime Christians tend to think of judgment as something we are not supposed to do. Judge not less you be judged. In reality that is misleading. You shall know them by their works, what they do or fail to sums it up. If sin is identified and you say you are a Christian, then that is not judgment, it is no more then how we recognize people in sin and according to our beliefs. In fact we are mandated to point that out to them out of love for them. Anyway, just for thought.
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