Let's face it. As parents, we're scared. We want the world for our kids. We want them to have everything. When they falter or stumble just a bit, we get even more scared. We try harder and we intervene more.
By the time children have reached 9th or 10th grade, we need to give them more space. Our job is to prepare them for success in the world. We don't prepare them well if we do everything for them. Empowering them to make decisions on their own is essential. And get ready, they'll make mistakes. They'll stumble at times. But we don't learn only when we succeed. We learn even more when we fail. This is the most difficult thing for parents. We want to make their world perfect. We still want to fix every boo boo. But if we do this, we don't teach them to be independent and self-sufficient.
We can still be there for a child without overly hovering. We can still lift them up when they fall. But we can't prevent every fall. We can't raise competent people if we infantalize them indefinitely. I'm not implying that we should let them do whatever they want to. We can and must have values, standards and expectations. So what to do?
Maintain a relationship by keeping communication open.
Be honest about what you see, hear and think.
Participate but don't try to "run" your child's life.
Talk about your values regarding sex, drugs and alcohol.
Be available.
Be a parent, not a friend. They have friends. They need parents.
Children go through developmental stages
It's important to understand that children go through developmental stages. It is appropriate that they pull away from us during the 13, 14 or 15 year old age range. They need to do this. They need to test. You can fight against it, but you will lose that fight. And with that fight, you may injure your relationship with your child, or worse. You could even permanently damage the relationship.
Hormones play a role in this stage of development. Boys and girls go through significant bodily changes that make them moody and difficult. They won't understand this anymore than you will. It's also scary to the children. If you freak out, their confidence doesn't grow, it worsens. Keeping an even keel will help your child. Trust them. And trust yourself. They will find their way.
Your own self-esteem is in the way when you over parent during these years. Difficulties with our child make us feel like we haven't done a good job. Our child's failures are really our own. This isn't really the case. but we perceive it as such. We are imperfect. We will raise imperfect children.
The single most difficult thing about being a parent has been seeing my own imperfections embodied in my children. Watching my shortcomings walk around my house before my eyes has been a challenge. But the wonderful benefit of this is that in accepting our child, we come to accept ourselves. It is wonderfully liberating to accept yourself AND your imperfections.
To summarize, trust that you've done a good job as a parent. Trust that you're instilled values and morals in your child. Allow them to find themselves. Mistakes is one of the ways we find ourselves.
Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
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