As a computer support person, I'm enjoying all the the cool new toys introduced on the market every year. What I would love to see is technology that has a practical use. Unlike the guys on "Big Bang Theory", I can't build robots or write the software to control a Mars Rover from millions of miles away. I can, however, be the creative force behind some pretty useful high-tech products, like these:
The Doo-Chip: This implant for your dog not only contains all his personal information, but in addition carries some sophisticated circuitry that helps teach your dog where NOT to go. At the time the chip is implanted, your home address is entered into the chip's memory, and the GPS system is activated. If your pooch decides to go where no dog has gone before, sensors pick up on the offending activity and notify the GPS system. If the locale is not the dog's home or in a place that the system identifies as poo-friendly, electrodes in the chip deliver a mild shock to his neural system. Eventually Fido will figure out he needs to go at home and not in the neighbor's yard. As an added bonus, a companion chip can be implanted in the owner's head, and when the dog gets zapped, so does the owner. Maybe this will help teach the human that the world is not his puppy's toilet...and if not, we can all feel better knowing the lazy excuse for a pet owner is getting a little something extra every time he allows his pet to leave a calling card in our yards.
Junk-In-The-Drunk: Forget breathalyzers that can be bypassed and urine tests that can be faked or fooled. When an inebriated partygoer gets behind the wheel of his vehicle, the car itself identifies the amount of blood alcohol through special sensors built into the steering wheel and driver's seat. Any levels that would be cause for arrest on either DUI or DWI and the car takes control, locking all doors and failing to respond to any driver-initiated commands or responses. At this point, an automated program kicks in and the car drives itself to the nearest police station, notifying those at the station that another poor drunken slob is about to be brought in. All paperwork can be processed before the offender arrives, so it's a quick trip from car door, to drunk tank, and the next morning to initial hearing.
The Rear-View Wiper: No, I'm not talking about for your car. I'm talking about a device that'll do one of the nastiest jobs a human has ever had to handle--changing an infant's more-than-messy diaper. Lift the baby under the arms and place it in what looks to be an oversized full-surround baby seat. Press a button and a liquid containing antibacterial cleanser and a dissolving agent are sprayed on the infant's lower half, dissolving the diaper and rinsing the offending poo off the baby and down the drain. A few seconds later and a bell rings, letting you know your baby's bottom is clean and sanitized and ready for a new diaper. (Bonus: The dissolving agent only works on diapers specially designed to work with the Rear-View Wiper system, ensuring a constant flow--no pun intended--of profitability for the company.)
I could probably come up with a few more, and I might. In any case, if any companies out there decide that these would be good products for development, please contact me at my email address so we can discuss my royalty schedule. After all, these ideas aren't for free. Creativity costs!
