It isn't always easy to know the why of love. Why does someone love you, why do you love them back? I've thought for many years that love grows out of knowing someone well; that first comes attraction, then infatuation. Both of these work to keep two people together long enough to become familiar and it is out of familiarity that love grows. Looking back, after many long years, it can seem like it was love at first sight when in reality it was like at first sight. I think that's how it was for my husband, Bernd, and me. I was attracted to what I saw and heard, luckily he was too, and we both stuck around long enough to learn enough about the other to develop a mutual respect and love.
It's a little easier to know that someone one loves you. It's in the small day-to-day things that they do or, possibly more importantly, don't do. It's in how the other speaks to you and the sorts of things they say.
In honor of Valentine's Day and in appreciation of the long and abiding love that Bernd and I share, I offer you these few indicators of our true love. You know your husband loves you when
99% of the time he cleans the cat's litter box because he knows how much you hate doing that.
every morning, he greats you with a smile and a few loving words.
every night the last words he says to you before falling asleep are, "I love you."
80% of the time he cleans the toilets because he knows how much you hate doing that.
he goes off to work and doesn't complain that you aren't currently working at a waged job yourself.
he tells you he wants you to be happy and healthy and take whatever time you need to find yourself.
he comes home from work with a little something for you that he saw and thought you might like for no special reason whatsoever except that he was thinking of you.
he helps you with all your zany projects whether or not he thinks they make any sense at all.
he lets you talk him into taking you, once again, to the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show. You have to get up at 4:00 in the morning to leave before 7:00 so that he can drive you the 200 miles and 3.5 hours so that you can arrive when it all opens at 10:00 a.m. Then he walks with you through tent after tent and building after building past booth after booth for 8 hours, only to then have to drive the 200 miles and 3.5 hours home again.
he puts up with all your quirks, foibles, inconsistencies and general anal retentiveness without complaint.
you've been sick for days with a severe flu, you have a major case of bedhead and you are starting to smell a little bad and he still tells you that you are pretty. Though this one could cause you to doubt his sanity a bit.
There is much more, but you get the idea and I'm sure you can put together your own list. And while I am sure that it would be nice if love were always unconditional, it's the conditions of love that make its true nature apparent. This said, I may have just answered the question of why we love someone and why they love us back. Consider that all the little things that indicate to you that your significant other loves you can also be some of the reasons why you love them. I could just have easily started each point with, "You love your husband because "
Happy Valentine's Day to you all and may you always love and be loved.
Dianne Lehmann is a jewelry designer who has been in business since January of 2000. Her interest in designing and manufacturing jewelry goes back beyond that to 1994. It took her many years of trying various creative outlets to finally figure out that making jewelry is where she could really shine. Dianne began with simply stringing beads onto cable and has progressed from there. She is now an accomplished lapidary (cuts and polishes stones) and silversmith. Dianne and her husband, Bernd, live in northern Arizona and both love to hike. Dianne can not help but pick up rocks (they are her first love) and some of these find their way into her jewelry. Dianne makes one-of-a-kind pieces that she hopes give people as much joy to view as she gets from the making of them.If you like, you may view her work at http://www.syzygyjewelry.com
Dianne~ Sounds to me like you're BOTH pretty blessed to have that kind of love. I mean...bedhead and all??? THAT is love. Thanks for sharing this with us. As always, you bring a smile to this funny face...which stays with me all day long. THANK YOU!
Dianne, I loved reading this. I am a self-appointed Ambassador of Love. I help my siblings and friends out when asked. Although divorced, I know what you've written is possible and romance, passion and quirkiness are part of loving each other. I am happy for you and Bernd and even happier you realize what you share with each other. This is a quote for the ages: "And while I am sure that it would be nice if love were always
unconditional, it's the conditions of love that make its true nature
apparent."
Dianne, I understood the quote because I was having a "deep" day. A bit flaky today so I had to read it twice! Seriously though, the conditions we give and receive love were beautifully stated in your article. It's what you get from Bernd and you give to him. And you know, we are not always 100% but that's when unconditional love makes up for the difference...in those kind of conditions.
Self-appointed Ambassador of Love! Damn why didn’t I come up with that one first? Now I am jealous. You sit well on the chair, Ms. Ambassador… you sit well... :-) Love always.
Christine, awwww you're an incredible lady! The title is rightfully yours! Lucky for you, I don't mind sharing. Thanks for the laughs and compliment, Ms. Ambassador.
Avis, my Self-appointed Ambassador of Love comment was meant for you. But I think Bruce messed up (again). I can’t get the comment to where it should be.
» left by Christine Akiteng from Toronto, Ontario, Canada (260 days 6 hours ago.)
Are you kidding me? I read almost all of your articles especially after I saw that "messages from outerspace" column name you have. I thought, my kind of person...:-).
One of the best things about this article is that you understand and appreciate everything he does for you and don't consider it his husbandly duty like a lot of women do. That was the biggest mistakes I made in my marriage. I took for granted everythin my ex did for me and he never felt truly appreciated. You seem to be aware of this important element in a marriage and I'm so happy you feel the type of love most women never ever find. lol.
I guess I never wanted to be taken for granted and so it would be unkind to take Bernd for granted myself ... more selfish than any kind of enlightenment really.
But truthfully, I am grateful for every little thing that he does, right down to doing the dishes, and I tell him so. The one thing I do know is that you can never assume your partner knows you are thankful.
I'm just lucky that we have mostly gotten it right the first time around.
So, Myla, is there another husband somewhere in your future? Being happily married, I think everyone should be married. :)
Awwwwwwww I'm feeling warm fuzzies Dianne, I think this article is awesome. And what a wonderful idea....I think I will make a list of things about my wife as well, and share them with her.....what a ultimate gift of love to your husband.....This is a terrific read, and I believe that you are the "Ambassador of Love" as mentioned above, Great read, and great article....your fan, and friend in pen.......Gary....
My mom always told me that when I was feeling badly, I should "count my blessings." But I've always thought you should do that each and every day. Won't keep the blues away, but it's a good reminder of the good things you do have.
It seems to me any list of "I'm grateful fors" would double for a list of "why I loves."
Oh, and it's Avis Ward who declared herself the self-appointed Ambassador of Love. I'm very happy to leave all that to Avis and Christine. But thanks for the vote anyway. :)
Here, here, Gary! I vote for Dianne, too. I believe at SearchWarp, we have many Ambassadors of Love! The Horst's have created that environment for us. That's why there is longevity. Loving Warpies help make up this Writers' Community. Respond to this comment
An important reminder that love is an effort not just a feeling. Sure, when the initial luster of lust wears off, what does that leave you with? Work. And it's, as you mention, not always in the physical that love is conveyed. A reminder to me and others who are lacking in this area to get going. But that's another thing, love is an up and down, trial and error, not always perfect process, yes?
It is by no means a perfect process and Bernd and I have had our fair share of downs. But we've always seen the worth in the other and worked our way through it. Doesn't make us better than some, just a little more stubborn maybe. :) Then there is the "Oh my God! The thought of breaking in someone new" problem. :) :)
Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting. Oh and I prefer to use the long form for Valentine's Day. The other one stands for something more appropriate to one night stands. :-0
Yes, V.D. was intended, jokingly. But you're right, my wife and I have
been together six years, six years of a lot of ups and downs, but the
education of what love really, truly means, and the work involved, is
certainly an eye opener. There is so much more to a relationship than
95% of all the romantic movies and songs combined even come close to
telling us. There should be courses offered in high school and college
that goes beyond all the lust you see and hear in the media. It's
almost like a well-kept secret that needs to be revealed to the masses.
Dianne, I hadn't read this before I wrote about Art this morning, but wow, we were thinking along the same lines. I love how you wrote this, your love for one another shines through and there are many things in your list that might give others something to start doing.
I think you guys will be one of those old couples strolling through the park, stopping for that occasional kiss. Just keep it "G" rated. Small children will be watching :-)
Yeah. When I read your article I thought the same thing. And you know, Bernd and I often hold hands when we walk. We've noticed, too, that when we're walking a steep uphill grade, that holding hands actually makes it easier. How cool is that?!
Yes, V.D. was intended, jokingly. But you're right, my wife and I have
been together six years, six years of a lot of ups and downs, but the
education of what love really, truly means, and the work involved, is
certainly an eye opener. There is so much more to a relationship than
95% of all the romantic movies and songs combined even come close to
telling us. There should be courses offered in high school and college
that goes beyond all the lust you see and hear in the media. It's
almost like a well-kept secret that needs to be revealed to the masses.
Boy! Bernd and I have said that for years about courses being offered ... no mandatory ... in school. Really they should encompass all of interpersonal relationships and communication skills. Just think how much better the world could be if kids learned some of this stuff up front. Think of the time they'd save. How do we get this arranged?
Interesting that you and your husband should say that. Actually, my business, which is an information / consulting / coaching business deals specifically with the essentials that are missing in our children's education. One of those things is an understanding of relationships, most importantly, that of husband and wife and what the commitment entails in all its glory. Currently, I am getting coaching in the setting up and marketing of my business. The short-term goal is group coaching / consulting that focus on the misunderstandings of education, understanding its benefits and limitations, what it takes to establish a career, and then focusing on the essentials (educational shortcomings, adequate goal setting, finace, relationships, among others) in life, for as we know, time is short and we are all too busy. Ultimately, my plan is to build schools that teach the essentials beyond reading, writing, and arithmatic or the 90% that our schools never even touch upon, nor do, unfortunately, post-secondary institutions.
There's that old saying, "It's not what you know, but who you know," and I think it could be adapted to this situation. And yes, 90% of what they teach in school has no bearing on what it really takes to get along well in this life. I'm a prime example of that. What's helped me most were all the courses and seminars I attended with my husband after we were married: Building Self-esteem, Assertiveness training, Effective Communication, Effective Negotiating and the like.
It seems to me that 99% of getting along well is doing well in interpersonal relationships. Every job I have ever worked has been more about the personalities I worked with than their (or my) competency at our tasks. So maybe that saying could be, "It's not what you know, but how you treat who you know." What do you think?
That's a part of my message. I tell my students that more have done a lot with less but only with proper or appropriate inter-personal skills. I give example after example of those who weren't the best or the brightest but were the best of heart who won out because of their character not their genius, even though genius doesn't hurt.
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