Here's the absolute, no-fail way to win every power struggle with every kid every time: Don't struggle for power. Think about it. The minute adults wrestle with a child for power, they've immediately lost. If you won't struggle for power, the power struggle can't occur. To give you an image, you want to take your "sails" out of their wind, so to speak.
Here are some specific tips and tricks to use instead of getting caught up in the "Yes, you will"-"No, I won't" battles when everybody loses. You can use these devices yourself or pass them onto the parents that you work with. Now that it's summer, parents may be needing these power-struggle-stoppers:
It's Fun to Torture Adults For many youngsters, it can seem like sport to "trap" an adult in a power struggle. What better way to get out of doing what you are supposed to be doing than to debate it? For example, if you run a counseling group, you may notice that it seems impossible to get some youngsters to come to group on time. Instead of taking group time to debate if "the bus was late" is a satisfactory excuse, turn it over to the group. The group may decide, for example, to have the latecomer clean up the room after group time is over, a natural consequence of inconveniencing the other group members. Notice that the issue switches from being an adult-kid issue to a kid-to-kid issue. Once your group has set a standard policy, never waste time debating again.
BONUS TIP Set an on-going limit on how long you'll discuss compliance issues. Your youngsters will know that they have only a brief time frame, and that this time can't be taken during group or class, but on their own time instead.
Meet the Bickersons Teach kids about the "bicker- backs", when people get into a verbal sparring match. Teach them how to spot the "bickers" and to stop the "bickerbacks". They'll learn that you won't bickerback, and will give up attempting to bicker with you. This is a great device to give to families so they won't end up sounding like the Bickersons.
BONUS TIP Teach kids: "Ask once, you're assertive, ask thrice, you're aggressive." This saying can become a common comment that youth use with each other, relieving you of some of the chore of confronting coercive behavior.
When Do You Let Them Have It? We got that question recently at our workshop from a teacher who wanted to know a "really good put-down" to stop the bickering and clowning. This question was easy. You don't ever "let them have it." There is never a circumstance when it is okay to demean a child. Everyone loses, and you are teaching the child how to be verbally abusive. We occasionally ask our workshop participants: Who had the most impact on you, the good/great teacher, or the one who was verbally abusive? Don't fool yourself. Normally, all the participants say that sadly, it was the abusive teacher who had the most impact. Is that what you want for your legacy?
Did You Hear the Joke About the Class Clown? Working with students who wish to debate everything can be very time-consuming, especially if the child perseverates. For example, working with a class clown can be a continuing battle as the child debates whether comments were "appropriate" or not. A fun approach is to ask the class clown to morph the comment for different audiences, such as changing it to be acceptable to the boss on the job that you really want. You are assisting the child to gain skill in adapting content to fit different circumstances, rather than focusing on squelching what could be a terrific asset for the long run. Successfully teaching the child to channel the humor can help the child become a wonderful team member in the work place, someone who can lighten up tense and difficult situations with appropriate humor. If a child has a great sense of humor, that is a special skill to be refined and honed, not stifled and eliminated.
BONUS TIP Have your class or group establish rules about the number of talk-outs per hour, and to create a standing policy about what to do when problems occur. Without a recommended number for kids to follow, some won't be able to discern a reasonable number on their own. Young people need practice providing self-governance most adults don't need that practice. With this intervention, not only do you shift the problems away from being adult-kid to kid-kid, but you are aiding your youngsters to gain, practice and use essential self-management skills.
Defiance, Coercion and Acceptance As you work to discern what to do in situations that could easily become power struggles, avoid coercing kids, and putting their backs to the wall. When a child is "cornered," defiance can seem to be one of the few options left. The more you can use acceptance to find mutually agreeable middle ground, the more success you will have with children and youth who would otherwise power struggle. The use of acceptance teaches the child about compromise and cooperation, skills that the youngster will need throughout life. When you use coercion, the child may not learn those key skills, and instead, develop expertise in non- compliance.
POP QUIZ QUESTION Name the child who power struggles far more than any other.
If you didn't immediately know the answer, you are vulnerable. The answer is a conduct disordered child.
Be very sure that you know a lot about conduct disordered youth, your hardest-to-manage child. If you do not know this child "backwards and forwards, inside and out", and how to work with this youth completely differently than everyone else, you will be very vulnerable to becoming entangled in power struggles. Because conduct disorders are very slick, cagey and manipulative, you may not even fully appreciate exactly what is going on. There is no single, quick strategy to just disarm this youth. You must take the time to learn about their operating system and acquire the special set of techniques needed. Our brand new book, "All the Best Answers for the Worst Kid Problems: Conduct Disorders," can help ensure that you have all the special skills you need for these youth who constitute about 11-15% (or more) of your population. Visit our site to see this title: http://www.youthchg.com, or call us at 1-800-545-5736 toll-free with questions, or to order. You can also get free intervention materials at the site.
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Article added to SearchWarp.com on Monday, February 20, 2006 View other articles written by Ruth Herman Wells(2,482)
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