As you know, we have been blessed with the most comprehensive and, some say, wasteful legislation ever conceived, but did you know there is a provision for aspiring writers?
I am fortunate in that I have been chosen to head up this program, the most prestigious of the C.U.R.A.A.P.P., the Completely Unethical Re-Allocation of Assets in Pachydermic Proportions. And, introducing the zenith of government programs, The National Writing Contest!
You, my friend, can win this! Simply tell me why YOU should buy ME, Montag, a 2009 Harley Davidson Super Glide Custom in 47 words or less.
Each entry will be critiqued by me and all results will be final. Here are the rules:
Each participant must be a natural born citizen of the U.S. , Puerto Rico , the U.S. Virgin Islands, or any other nation or region or island consisting of an atmosphere made up of approximately 79 % nitrogen. Location of the aforementioned area is preferred to be outside of the crust of the earth, but all areas will be considered.
Aliens on leave from other galaxies are excluded unless able to grip a pencil, or are willing to have a lobbyist act as ghostwriter.
Each participant, upon acceptance, will be given a packet. This packet will consist of a writing tablet, 4 inch by 8 inch, valued at $50,000, a pencil, canary island yellow, #2 lead, new and unsharpened, valued at $75,000, a complete encyclopedia/dictionary/thesaurus on CD, valued at $185,000 and an HP computer, valued at $6,000.
The essay, no more than 47 words in length, must be turned in on a sheet of paper from the tablet. No Exceptions!!
All family members of U.S. government employees are excluded unless the family member is at the level of senator or higher.
No words referring to race or creed can be used.
No words referencing sexual preference can be used.
No words referencing God, Jesus, Holy Ghost, or any character from the Bible will be allowed. Violators will be rounded up and forced to read material they have listed as objectionable.
All materials used in the application process, approval, and actual entries along with the participants, their families and all possessions, along with any and all non-participating creatures of the human or human-like category will be and are property of the United States Government.
Now, let's get writing! Remember, the idea is to have FUN, enjoy your self! You have earned it!
Just think of all the wonderful reasons why you would want to buy me a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. Be creative, as boring and whimsical entries will likely end in an extended stay in some dank, prison camp, and nobody wants that, right?
Proper grammar will be expected and poor grammar, well, do you really want to find out? Wouldn't it just be better for you to comply from the start?
So what do you say? Are you up to the challenge? Are you ready for the exciting and fulfilling life of complete and abject obedience?
Enter today! Or tomorrow, but know this. The later the entry, the angrier I'll be; the angrier I get, the worse it will be for you.
Compliance is your only option. So why not enjoy it?
Our assistants will be at your house shortly with everything you need to get started. You will have five minutes to complete your 47 word essay.
This is the only notice you will receive.
My name is Montag. I am your friend. You can trust me.
**This is not an actual contest. **
Ken McCreless is just a guy who loves to write. No dazzling website or publishing milestones, just a love for words and a respect for the power they wield. Contact him at ken@kenmccreless.com
Ken...honestly...HOW do you come up with this stuff? Genius? Possessed by an alien? Oh. Wait...you ARE an alien, aren't ya? I know...I need to come up with something new...but really...YOU CRACK ME UP.
» left by Gary W. Halsey Sr. (265 days 22 hours ago.)
Ken.....hummmm.....47 words or less.....hummmm......I should buy you the Harley because you are just an all around nice guy?...That is less than 47 words....did I win? What do I get? Oh, yeah, I get to buy you a harley....dang.....maybe I should be in a new line of work.....Great write, funny witty and very humorous, I would have written exactly 47 word if I weren't at work.....keep up the funnies....your friend in pen, Gary
Ken, I like when you open your mind. And from my view, it's always open. I enjoy your sense of humor and you! Thanks and a happy Sweetheart's Day to you and yours! (Hope you are together.) Respond to this comment
» left by Ken McCreless(1,758) Ken McCreless (262 days 8 hours ago.)
It's getting all the cobwebs out that's the challenge! We had a wonderful Valentines Day, Avis. Thank you, you're the best.
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