I'm ravaged if I fail. Failure is worse than death.
What does failure prove?
Of course it proves that I'm worth nothing.
Also, it means I won't get what I wanted.
So that's what we come back to-getting. This life is a quest for Getting. This society will cheer you if you can Get it/ Achieve it. And if you can't Get enough-you're a nobody, you're not worth anything. It', for you, might mean wealth, recognition, status or any kind of material success. You MUST Get IT.
Our children imbibe this from early childhood. Parents pressurizing them to be the topper of their class, win the football championship, be equally amazing in painting, music, dance and what have you.
I know I must be the best. Otherwise Mom won't love me as much.
And what can be a greater measure of self-worth to a child than parental love? This is not to say that parents stop loving their children if they are not high-acheivers. But the message the child gets is, "I get all those beams and hugs and kisses and little treats when I top the class, but I get a long face when I don't."
Where are we going? Why are we doing this to our kids and to ourselves? What does it matter if the interviewer thinks I'm not worthy of being in their company/institute? What does it matter if the teacher thinks I don't deserve better grades? I know what I am. Who knows me better-she, or me? Why will my self-worth depend on others' evaluation of me-others who are not even the important ones-my friends, husband/wife/partner, parents, kids?
Is the sales I've made for my company/the grades I've got/the number of questions I could answer in an interview-the only aspect of my life?
Let's say I ask myself, "Who am I?" What answer do I get? Do I tell myself, "Who am I? I'm the very guy who's responsible for a 40% increase in my company's revenue!" Or do I say, "I'm a fun-loving/friendly/happy-go-lucky person, married to/in a relationship with John/Jane-the most wonderful man/woman in the world. I'm also blessed to have Sarah and Ryan-the sweetest kids in the world!"???
Now let's say I didn't get that job/promotion/admission to that hallowed university. I failed a test. I didn't meet the sales targets. What happens? Well, hell happens. That's what lies at the core of my life, doesn't it? Meeting sales targets/getting the best grades/ being promoted. So of course I'm devastated. And oh, I forgot to add-I also know that there's no second chance. If I fail to meet those targets today, there's no tomorrow. If I don't pass that exam at the first attempt I'll be barred from taking it ever again in my life. And people never get promoted if they fail to get promoted once. So considering all that, I'm contemplating suicide.
Now let's imagine another scenario-I keep neglecting Jane cause I'm too busy making sure the first scenario doesn't come true-meeting deadlines, networking with key people after office hours, studying so hard for the interview that I have no time even to talk to Jane. She is a human being too. She feels hurt. Then she tries her best to draw my attention to our waning relationship. Naturally I ignore her. She feels more hurt than I can imagine. And then one day she doesn't feel so hurt. And then comes a time when she barely notices my neglect. That's when she starts seeing other guys. And then we part.
The End.
The most important part -yes, the most important part of me has been slow-poisoned to death.
What will I do then? Will I be ecstatic that I still have the gold rolling in and my targets in place?
"Oh, well, the elixir of my life, the only reason I was born, the only reason I have been living for is gone, but that's a teensy-weensy price I paid when you consider what I got in return-a promotion and an insane bonus a result of all those hours I kept working neglecting her!"
Is that what I'd say? I actually won't. No, not even if I'm the most selfish, achievement-maniac and greedy person in the world.
I'd feel like I'm choking to death. I'll feel the ground giving way under my feet.
Is there a second chance now? Will I ever get her back? Ok. Let me try.
"Jane, I can't tell you how much I love you. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I know what has happened is entirely my fault. I promise you I'll always be yours from now on. I'm dying. Don't do this to me. Please come home."
"Thanks for all that, John, but I'm with Joe now. We're getting married next month."
"Oh. Right. Congratulations."
Looks like I made a mistake. There's no second chance after all. Not in this case.
Now all I want is to live my life once more. To correct those mistakes. To do the things I should have done. To spend my time where I should have spent it. Will I get another chance? Will I?
Sulagna Dasgupta provides self-improvement related advice on her website www.changeyourlifenow.co.nr. She can also be emailed at sulagnaadasgupta@gmail.com with individual queries and requests for specific self-help related advice. She replies to every one of such emails, and all of this is free.
Sadly, Sulagna, you have correctly depicted what happens when we fall prey to society's standards for our lives and not our own. When we fail to find our true selves and build core values around who we are, these scenes are played out time and time again. I humbly submit, we need divine Guidance. Very interesting and touching read. Thank you for your insight. Respond to this comment
Exactly so, Avis. Unknowingly we do irrepairable damage to our life, our love and our loved ones' lives when we devote ourself to money, status and fame. And before we know it, it's too late.
There is an interesting game I play with my kids that I learned from a fellow family counselor and that is to award a ribbon to the person who comes in second (or third, or last) in a game or competition.
When this happens, the kids/family end up helping their brother/sister/ friend do better in the competition. Of course the idea of coming in second is still the ultimate prize and we as a society are driven to win the prize, even if it means coming in second...we self sacrifice to get the prize even when settling for second best. That is the true moral of the game which of course you want to explain to those who are playing it.
I'm not sure we could ever hope to get to the point where we are not driven to win but this game at least allows its players to help others suceed and can point out the flaw in the idea of winning at all cost.
I'm not sure I explained that properly but I'm tired and have had a long weekend. As your first and original fan club member here at SearchWarp, I want to say well done and I love your writing style and thoughts on this upside down and confusing world we all live in.
Of course we're acheivement-driven. I'm highly acheivement-driven myself. It's the sense of acheivement that makes you want to give your best to what you do.
But as you've rightly said, the problem lies with the madness of 'winning at all cost'.
Getting our priorities right is essential in controlling such destructive urges.
Thanks for your comment (which itself is interesting and rich enough to qualify as an article!) and encouragement.
And I do remeber you as the first member of my fan club! :) Thanks again for that!
Very good article Sulagna. I think what you said is very correct. We are selfish thats why we do commit mistakes in our life. And when we realise its too late.
In this mad world, driven by lust, we sometimes tend to confuse our priorities-which are our loved ones-and go for more money, status, recognition. And sadly, as you've rightly said, when we realise what we've lost, it's often past the point of no return.
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