No Sex Above Sixty! Save The World!

According to EPA data this global warming has had long ranging adverse effects across the globe. As the EPA's studies indicate:"Global mean surface temperatures have increased 0.5-1.0°F since the late 19th century. The 20th century's 10 warmest years all occurred in the last 15 years of the century. Of these, 1998 was the warmest year on record. The snow cover in the Northern Hemisphere and floating ice in the Arctic Ocean have decreased. Globally, sea level has risen 4-8 inches over the past century. World-wide precipitation over land has increased by about one percent. The frequency of extreme rainfall events has increased throughout much of the United States." (1)

Looking at this information, considering the rising population and urbanization rates world-wide, becomes even more frightening because no country, group or organization has come up with any co-ordinated plan or idea of how to stop, or even slow down, the rate of warming. Sure, radical ideas abound, but nothing has been proposed that has gained any widespread support anywhere.

With the increasing pressures of population and urbanization what can anyone do to help stem this catastrophic tide? The only way we can save the world is to specifically identify the individual causes of global warming, and then, one by one, work to eliminate that cause.

So with that in mind, I would like to propose to you a sexual response to the global warming problem. You may wonder: "What possible connection can sex have with global warming?" Well, when on a global basis, sex becomes one of the causes of global warming. To fully appreciate the impact sex has on our environment; we need to thrust deep into our scientific knowledge regarding sex.

It is a well-known scientific fact that sexual activity increases body heat. To roughly calculate the amount of heat that sexual activity creates you may want to refer to one of the many available calorie calculators. Using one of these calculators, you can determine the amount of calories burned for each different type of physical activity. The calculator I used for the following calculations (www.infogym.com) allowed me to input a person's weight and the duration of the activity and it provided a calorie count for a number of different physical activities, including moderate effort sex.

Now while you lot, I am sure, will most likely be more involved in strenuous sexual escapades for extended periods of time, I have to base my calculations on a more average expected sexual encounter. For instance, a 200-pound person involved in moderate effort sex for 60 minutes will expend approximately 144 calories. More strenuous sex or sex for people heavier than 200 pounds will burn more calories, while less strenuous sex and smaller people will expend less.

To make the global warming connection, consider what happens when we burn the calories. Well, first of all we lose a little weight, but something also happens to those calories we lose. The calories we lose are absorbed by the atmosphere as we cool down our, now sexually sorted, but overheated bodies. The calories are added to the environment as heat.

I can hear you laughing and asking how can the heat of passion possibly have anything to do with an impending catastrophic disaster? Well, when considered on an individual basis, that 144 calories of added heat is so small, it is hardly worth mentioning. Except, while sex for one is fun, sex with two is even more fun, and suddenly you are contributing 288 calories (provided of course that both partners weigh 200 pounds and are both equally active during the encounter). And then there are the more adventurous of you out there? Grouping and groping in-groups of three, four, five, six or more. Yes, Now you can see the numbers start rising.

Further complicating the problem is the country's ever-increasing weight problem. The National Centre for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion reports on its Nutrition & Physical Activity web page that: "During the past 20 years there has been a dramatic increase in obesity in the UK. In 1985 only a few NHS Authorities were participating in CDC's BRFSS and providing obesity data. In 1991, four NHS Authorities were reporting obesity rates of 15-19 percent and no authorities reported rates at or above 20 percent. In 2002, 15 authorities have obesity prevalence rates of 15-19 percent; 21 authorities have rates of 20-24 percent; and one authority reports a rate of over 25%." * Each year UK residents are getting heavier and heavier. Surely this only adds to the increasing sexual heat generated.

Now consider these calculations on an USA national basis. According to the Census Bureau 2004, as of 3:20 PM GMT standard time on February 4th, 2004 the estimated population of the United States was 292,519,482. The Population Reference Bureau (at: www.prb.org) indicates that of the 293 million people in the United States approximate 72.6% or 212,310,274 are between the ages of 15 and 75.

While a number of fifteen year olds and some people over sixty are not on the average having as much sex as my calculations indicate, I am counting on you lot to pull the average up considerably. And, of course, increasing Viagra and other sexual enhancement drug sales add to the number of people having sex.

Allowing for an average of three sexual encounters a week, then on any given day almost 91 million people have sex, sometime during the day. With 24 hours in the day, in any given hour, 3,791, 261 people are having sex. This is in the United States alone!

So utilising the USA as the model, with that much sex going on, consider the heat added to our environment. At an average weight of say 200 pounds (yes, America is getting heavier too), with moderate effort sexual encounters, the United States is generating almost 546 million calories an hour (that's 144 calories per person times 3,791,261 people having sex). Now, think about the rest of the world (total population estimated at 18:19 GMT on February 4th, 2004 of 6,346,147,237) also having sex. Suddenly, you can see that we are facing a critical situation.

Now I am sure that you will be shocked to read that I have a healthy interest in and a great respect for sex. Next to writing it's my favourite thing to do. And wow, consider writing while having sex… but I digress. With my healthy respect for sex, my search for a solution to this overwhelming global sexual warming was difficult, but not impossible. The key here is to eliminate the added heat somehow, without eliminating the sex.

Well, in finding a solution you will need to consider that according to the EPA, the global average temperature is 60 degrees Fahrenheit. With this simple fact in mind, I offer the following solution to the global sexual warming problem: don't have sex when the temperature is above 60 degrees.

Yes, that's an oversimplified solution; as with any solution you will need to do some other things too. When the temperature does dip below 60 degrees, you need to rush to turn down your thermostat, cooling the room to less than 60 degrees. By doing this, the sexual heat you add to the environment merely replaces the heat your heating system would normally have contributed. (Eureka!)

Of course, in order for you to maintain roughly the same amount of sexual activity as you practice now, you will need to curtail all sexual contact until the winter months, when, you will be free to engage in sex at a frenzied pace until the temperature rises above 60 degrees Fahrenheit or you simply collapse from exhaustion. The thought of Viagra and Viagra related stocks on the stock market immediately come to mind. And obviously, in the south, the winter months will need to be a bit more frenzied than for our northern neighbours. If you are interested in a longer sexual season, for those of us in the UK you could always move northward? Durham is quite nice, as is Inverness. In fact, this may help reverse the southerly migration trends we have experienced over the last few decades.

Okay you lot; it's up to you now. The future of the world as we know it is at stake. We have defined a specific problem and found a sound, workable solution to this problem. Our job now is to act. First, you must vow to restrict your sexual activity to when the temperature is below 60. Second, vow to turn down your thermostat when you have sex. And last and most important, let everyone know exactly what you are doing and why.

Yes people, spread the word, the world can be saved! Spread the word; chant the slogan, "No sex above sixty!" Let everyone hear you: "No sex above sixty." I'd join you in the chant, but the temperature has dropped here in Kent and I'm speeding home. I hope the central heating is already turned down low!

 

Terry O'Brien

(c) Back Trouble UK