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This month has been full of challenges. It started with a cold. No
big deal right? Just snuggle up with a box of tissues and hot tea for
two weeks and all is well. How lucky for me it even hit the night my
winter vacation started so I could stay home and rest (instead of doing
the hundred things I had planned).
Then, a week into my cold, my father-in-law died. This was three
days after going to the nursing home for Alzheimer's. In many ways a
blessing we would say. Still a big loss for my husband who adored his
dad. And a huge one for my mother-in-law, his wife of 65 years. Their
anniversary ended three hours before he died. He was lucid the day
before- long enough to tell his wife he loved her.
Two weeks
later, we decided to put our beloved dog Duke to sleep before the
ravages of cancer increased his suffering. He was only "supposed" to
have three weeks. Instead he bravely and happily stayed with us for
4-1/2 months. He really didn't want to go, which made it really hard
on me. This was one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to
make. How do you decide it's time for someone to die? He could
barely eat, and the little he did eat came right out. He tried hard to
hold it until I could get up and let him out but often couldn't make
it. Towards the end this would go on almost all night. Needless to
say, by now I was stressed and exhausted.
I felt so powerless. I listened to my intuition, gave him healing
energy, did everything in my bag of tricks. His pile of supplements is
still in the kitchen. Yet the last few weeks he was wasting away
before our eyes. The inevitable was all too obvious.
So I listened to the voice inside me getting
louder and louder. Maybe it was the exhaustion of sleepless nights
getting up with him, fearing he was suffering more than he was letting
on, and grieving for the loss to come that was speaking louder. I
don't know.
He passed a week and a day ago. Even though my exhaustion began to
lift and I started getting enough sleep, that sick feeling accompanied
by a fever signaled the arrival of the flu. Like I said, it's been a
hard month.
The good news is that I'm on the mend, physically and emotionally.
I do know that in the past, the situation would have caused me to
torture myself with self-abasing inner talk for years. Thankfully,
it only lasted a few days this time. Yes, I miss him and cry
sometimes. It's normal healthy, healing grief, and I'm okay with
that. For the most part, I've made peace with the decision of that fateful day as well.
To see the silver lining in the cloud, I am happy to see that all
the emotional healing and spiritual work I've done these past few
years is paying off. It's interesting to notice how my ways of
responding to life's challenges have changed for the better. And yes,
I've done more healing work this month, lots more. (Tap, tap, tap). And no doubt always
will. Now where are those tissues? |
