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Dr. Gail Saltz encourages a woman to seek counseling before giving up
Q. I have tremendous guilt for marrying a nice man that I didn't love. In retrospect, I know why I did it, not that it is excusable. I am working hard to own my part in this. I was too young, with no self-esteem, doing what I thought I was supposed to do and trying to please everyone but myself. I didn't even realize I needed to please myself.
Unfortunately, as I aged, the realization of the gravity of my decision to marry this man has so eaten me up that I have completely shut down emotionally because of guilt. I feel awful to have hurt not only him but our children. How does one move forward and forgive themselves in this scenario? He is a good person, a great dad and friend. Should I hold out for hope I can develop feelings for him?
A. Because there are children involved, and because you say your husband is a great father and friend, I don't think you should end this marriage without trying to save it.
The madly-in-love bliss that people claim to have in the early stages of romance often dissipates and evolves. Many people still love their spouses after many years, but not with the heart-pounding kind of love you hear about. Romance has to be worked on to be recaptured and, in your case, can be worked on to be acquired.
I assume you are saying you feel no sexual attraction for your husband, who is an otherwise great guy. It's not like being married to him is torture or that he is cruel toward you and the children. I would advise seeing not just a couples counselor but a certified sex therapist.
Often in cases like yours, there has been a loss of desire and ability for arousal. This can be worked on therapeutically with talk or with behavioral exercises to ignite some attraction. I would ask why you married your husband in the first place. There must be at least something that kept you around long enough to do that.
As you know, when you bring children into this world, it is even more important to try to stay together, because there are so many ramifications for the children. The longer they can remain in an intact family, the better.
Staying in love is very important in marriage. May your artilce help those who are sturggling in Marriage. Marriage is an institution made by God, so it is a covenant that cannot be ovelooked carelessly.
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