For those of us in the counseling field, the facets of grief we see in our clients can take on many different faces. The loss of a pet, a spouse, a job or a dream leaves an empty space in a persons life that needs to be mourned as part of a closure process. The more we have invested; the more our hearts are connected to whatever it is that we have lost - can be a gauge which helps to explain how much grief we feel when that relationship is broken.
For some people, investing all in a dream for their future can be exquisitely painful when that dream is not realized. A person injured on the job or in an accident which results in a disability can bring grief as that person loses the dreams and plans for their life, or relationships with family members and spouses change. It should be mentioned that losing a dream for one person may be as painful as losing a spouse or a parent can be for another person. People often ask, how do I know if my grief process is excessive? Sometimes it is as simple as looking at the intensity and longevity of the emotion. After an appropriate amount of time, the intensity of emotion should fade; the emotional charge on the memories resolve and the memories simply become part of our past. For example, a man may be able to come to terms in an appropriate amount of time with a disability resulting in the loss of a job he loves, but if that same man runs over his five-year-old daughter in his driveway and she dies as a result, that loss may stay with him causing prolonged, intense emotional distress.
Most people are able to spend an appropriate amount of time in the grief process, adjust to the loss and move on with their lives. For those who are unable to do this, it may be necessary to look deeper to see what might be contributing to their prolonged grief. Is there a past emotional component that has been triggered by the current loss? Are they experiencing the grief for their current loss, or for a loss that happened in the past that is held in limbo by a decision not to feel? Often prolonged grief can be present when the present loss is similar to a situation in our past for which we have not been unable to forgive ourselves.
In Dr. Candace Perts book, Molecules of Emotion, her studies have shown that thoughts and emotions are the result of neuropeptides released from the hypothalamus. When we allow ourselves to experience emotion, these neuropeptides are allowed to flow freely throughout our body. As a result, we move to resolution and are able to return to a state of joy in our lives. However, when emotions are repressed, denied, not allowed to be whatever they may be, our network pathways get blocked, stopping the flow of the vital feel-good, unifying chemicals that run both our biology and our behavior. (Pert, 1999, 34) To put it simply, buried emotions never die. Our physical bodies and our emotional life are interconnected; if we choose to deny our feelings, it will eventually show up somewhere else.
A scriptural example appears in Ps 73:21 When my heart was embittered And I was pierced within . In the Hebrew, within is the word Kilyah which means kidneys. This scripture says that when we carry bitterness in our hearts, our kidneys are also affected. This is such a good example showing that our emotional life directly effects our physical health. Scripture shows us a continuous flow of emotion in Psalm 30:5 when it says, For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy {comes} in the morning. (NAS) In this verse, we can see that David is describing a progression of emotion, going through anger, moving to sadness and eventually returning to joy. This is a normal progression with grief. Part of the process is to be angry at the situation we find ourselves in. If we don't process through the anger, we don't move through the different stages of emotion and get to resolution.
Many people grew up being told by their parents that big boys don't cry, or you're just too emotional, or go to your room until you can stop crying. These kinds of events in the life of a child can result in inner determinations of the heart not to express emotion. Therefore, as loss is experienced growing up, a person may repress the grief and choose to just move on. Overwhelming emotion to a child can be traumatic and the defensive systems of the body will shut it down. When that happens, emotion is not dealt with - it is only put on hold until a time when the person has the capacity to handle the emotion. If the person continues this pattern as they experience losses in their life, the grief will build and each successive event can serve as a trigger to these past emotional events. They may experience excessive and prolonged periods of grief or physical symptoms of pain in their bodies.
Dr. Scott Walker, DC conducted a survey of chiropractors in the United States , Canada , New Zealand and Australia and found that a substantial number (80-90%) of the chiropractors surveyed believe that emotional factors influence pain syndromes. (Walker et al., 1)
To use the above example of the man losing his daughter, it may be helpful to explore other losses in his life and see how he handled his grief in those situations. Perhaps he was taught to just get over it when he experienced loss. He may also express that he determined it was better not to feel emotions because emotions weren't acceptable in his home. If this man is able to enlist the help of the Lord in prayer, asking Him to reveal the beliefs in the heart which have kept him from experiencing grief in the past, it may be possible to resolve the present day feelings of grief. When doing this, early events may be found such as being responsible for a pet that may have died or other emotions connected to this event such as guilt or condemnation.
If you find yourself experiencing inappropriate grief, you may find that addressing the past events may help you move through present day emotion. If the Lord shows you a past event and you can't remember the event well, it may help to discover what people involved in the event may have experienced. The important thing is to find out what your heart believed was true at the time. That will show you what may be keeping you attached to the grief. At that point you can ask the Lord to bring truth to your heart which can result in letting go of the inaccurate belief, repentance for believing a lie and receiving the comfort you need to heal.
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