Floot Your Nooter

We need new insults.

New obscenities.

New English language slang for ignorant morons and cretins.

This is a country where we have everything new. New cars, new wars, new clothes, new heart transplants, new doomsdays weapons, new drugs, new toilet paper, new bars of soap, new wives, new laws.

But….

No new insults.

Take for instance, the timeless invective…..“mother….fuc..‘r."

How long have we had that one? It’s tired. The same old insult. It’s about a hundred and fifty years old. I mean, c’mon! Enough is enough!

What about “A…hole!" I’ve been called that one myself. Many times. “You A..hole!"

That’s what some people call me. It’s true. I have one of these (A…hole). You do too. But I have other body parts as well.

A…hole has been around at least since Teddy Roosevelt.

If your verbal venom is inspired by trashing the human body, how about instead of “A..hole," call someone a lousy, “greasy hair follicle!" A hair follicle could be just as meaningful to smut mouths as an A…hole! A strand of useless protein anchored into your head just under the scalp by a small pool of filthy yellow oil….much like that which feeds a zit (pimple).

Yuck!

“Sonofabitch!" is another nonsense taunt. This means, according to the dictionary, that you’re either the son of a female dog, or the son of an unreasonable woman (bitch). Whose mother isn’t? (unreasonable).

What about the multi functional, versatile “sh…t" word.

Sh…t head, sh..t face, sh…t ass. There must be a million derivations, all using the same subject…human excrement. Boring! How old is that? I think George Washington once called his brother in law a pile of “sh…t."

How about, instead of the endlessly used S word, something new, something really catchy, vulgar, and of course, mean spirited.

How about calling someone a “puke licker!"

That one closely resembles “lick spittle," an old insult that for some reason never caught on with the general public (the late German actor Klaus Kinsky used it in the movie Dr. Zhivago).

And how about that all time classic, historic, “F" word. You know. “F…you!" If there was ever a ridiculous, Freudian, dysfunctional, need-a-psychiatrist’s-couch slander…this is it! Twisting the act of intercourse, the very best thing that can happen to two people, into a despicable barb of abomination.

But it does have a certain negative ring to it. It sounds good (I mean bad). Thus its longevity. For instance, if you tell someone angrily, “intercourse you!" It just doesn’t have the same impact.

Here are some possibilities for new insults:

“Eat me!" This sounds hostile, but could misfire if used on a cannibal.

“Dribble dick!" This taunt combines both anatomy and malfunctioning bodily functions for a nice sarcastic verbal cocktail.

“Tutti my fruity!" This one doesn’t use bad words, but sounds dirty.

“Go ferk a bivalve!" Insinuates that you’re so low, you’re willing to get perverse with a clam.

“Pustule Pisser!" Pus, the rancid stuff inside a boil, has never been properly used as an insult. It has real potential. It might even compete with the old retread “sh…t" word.

Why don’t you go and, “floot your nooter!" This sounds good and hostile, and has an “F“ word. I don’t know what it originally meant. It’s a line I once heard in an all-Swedish-language sex film.