I was talking to a co-worker today and he told me his wife wants a divorce after 18 years. I listened as he spoke of all the advice and suggestions and downright orders he has received from friends and acquaintances- all of it bad and some absolutely destructive.
Having gone through a divorce myself I offered him my perspective on these issues, the ones that arise from a divorce or any other tragic loss. After he left I felt the overwhelming need to write an article about this, as so much garbage is peddled as assistance these days, and so many people "helping" do so just to further their own agenda or bring some company to their misery.
"I've got a friend you can date."
This likely comes from a well meaning friend who doesn't want to see you suffer. The problem is, and don't take this the wrong way, but you need to suffer. Divorce is like death in that one must follow the grieving process in order to heal. Shock, anger, negotiation, and acceptance are the stages of grief. You will follow this order, go back and forth from one stage to another, or jump around in a random pattern, but don't try to skip any of these stages. Each is vital in order to heal, and "working the program" will give you a strong foundation on which to rebuild your life. You will reach the "acceptance" stage, believe me.
Striking up a new relationship right away will alleviate some loneliness, but it will also hide issues that need to be dealt with. Having a strong support system is appropriate, but jumping into an intimate partner situation will lead to catastrophic changes in the not-so-distant future. You have enough problems to deal with; don't create more.
My advice would be to take at least a year, after the divorce is final, to get your "self" together. Going out with a group of friends is highly recommended, but don't date. It is too early and you, regardless of what some would have you believe, are not ready.
"At least your problem is over, now you can heal."
Wrong. The marriage is over, the real pain is starting. Sound harsh? Sorry, but that is the reality of the situation.
It's the death of a dream, it's the pain of betrayal, or failure, and it must be confronted, and done so properly. Don't deprive yourself of a healthy future by running from the present.
The period during a divorce is to divide property, to determine custody of children, to take an emotional inventory, and ascertain damage- all damage, physical and otherwise. Much of this will be accomplished through the fog of a surrealistic atmosphere. This is to allow you to make hard decisions that cannot be made in an emotional state. You will have your periods of emotional upheaval, but do not let them happen during visits with children, attorney consultations or court appearances. Wait until you are alone or with a trusted, close friend.
You cannot begin to heal until this happens, and it can take months or years. Do not let material possessions keep you from completing this phase and getting on with your life. A big screen TV can be replaced, your sanity or, more importantly, that of your children, cannot. This will be hard enough on the kiddos as it is.
You will find that, in reality, whose fault it is doesn't matter. If a divorce is inevitable, please, please, please keep the children first and foremost. They truly are the only innocent parties, and they will bear the brunt of destruction.
Seek counseling with a professional, be it a psychotherapist or pastor. Don't go it alone. You are worth it.
You can survive and even thrive. I know.
I did.
Ken McCreless is just a guy who loves to write. No dazzling website or publishing milestones, just a love for words and a respect for the power they wield. Contact him at ken@kenmccreless.com
i have lived 52 years, raised 3 kids to adulthood, ,mostly on my own, lost both my parents, worked for the post office before marrying, delivered mail in snow, sleet, hail, rain, night, and burning sun, but all of those things strung together and endured simultaneously, couldn't come close to what a divorce will do to your mind, body, heart, and soul.
i agree the kids are the most important.
i did listen to a psychiatrist say that one should never talk about the other parent, UNLESS they are thinking, acting, or talking inappropriately.
i was separated for years before we were divorced, so i have been with my partner for almost 11 years. he also was my first love, and there is a history. his presence has helped immensely, but, as i have told him, if he was gone, i would never again get into a relationship. i will be quite happy by myself.
this was a good article, and i think it will help many.
Great advice. You have provided a solid, common sense approach to dealing with a situation that, if handled properly, will have the least amount of conflict. Conflict is inevitable but by concentrating on what is truly important, it can ease a lot of pain.
Yes, conflict is inevitable, but so many initiate conflict just for conflicts sake, or to "punish" the other. All that does is heap misery on themselves and there is enough of that already.
Great article, great advice Ken.I too can attest to the fact that divorce is very painful and it does take time, a lot of self honesty and God's grace to heal. Hopefully people will put their children first. Thank you for sharing.
As I have said on many occasions almost all misconceptions and bad advice can be blamed on tabloids. Look at how they publicise celebrity divorces and the miserable agony aunts that’s sole purpose is to make the world more miserable and stupid.
Anyway, some great advice that I hope will never be any use to me. But if I did need advice I would re-read this.
I absolutely agree, Connor. Printed or televised, those tabloids wreak a lot of havoc. But they'll never stop as long as it is profitable, and more's the pity.
Thanks for stopping by and for leaving a comment, I really appreciate it.
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