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It seems that in choosing a path to quick and superficial external beauty and success, so many man and women fall for the person who is "very attractive outside" but cold, selfish and ruthless on the inside. The person who is plain looking on the outside but warm and kind on the inside doesn't get much of a chance.
Not for very long. Having been in this business for years now, I see a new trend where the "measure of humanness" as an attractive quality is becoming more important than ever before. Many of my fellow dating and relationship coaches who started off with me but chose the easy path of teaching "hook-up tricks and techniques" or "outward skills" that turn a wallflower into the belle of the ball have either gone out of business or are changing their approach to one that fosters inner beauty and inner strength and confidence.
I'd be a liar if I said this does not make me happy personally and business wise. It's been my deepest desire to work in a climate where all guys describe a woman they are very much attracted to NOT just as "She has beautiful eyes and body" but "She has inner beauty"; and where all girls and women dream about marrying a guy because "He has inner confidence that's so attractive" instead of "He is financially stable".
Given the direction things are going, it's won't be very long before that time is here. In order to be ahead of the game of love, it's necessary to start today expanding your understanding of the full scope of the "measure of humanness" as an attractive quality.
Here are 7 powerful ways to add inner beauty, strength and confidence that will make you more attractive to others -- and to yourself.
1. Accept and embrace your own humanity. One of my favourite quotes is: "I'd rather be hated for who I am than be adored for who I'm pretending to be." Choosing to only surround yourself people who hype your "greatness" and gloss over your "weaknesses" is a sign of very low self esteem and very low self worth. If you already know "how good you are" you don't need others telling you just how good you are. It's like telling your dog that his tail wags. Duh?!
Praise and acknowledgment is nice, but it's only when you can see, recognize and accept your own weaknesses and shortcomings as part of your humanity that others can have the same experience of themselves. Recognizing, accepting and embracing your own humanity frees others to be human too. Have I already mentioned that "humanness" is the new sex-xy!?
2. Remind people who they are instead of just complimenting them on what they've done. Most people sub-consciously look for and listen for what's "human" about another person. They also sub-consciously want others to see and listen to what is "human" about them -- and point it out. It's a deep down need for all of us to want our humanity acknowledged and given identity. So next time, instead of complimenting someone on what they've done, simply point out what is "human" about them. In other words, have simple, worthwhile, truthful and intriguing things to say about someone else's "attractive humanness". It's as simple as that. In fact make it a "must say" thing in every conversation you have for the rest of your life!
3. Open up your world for others -- their thinking, feelings and concepts. This often requires welcoming a little conflict and discomfort into your life. This is one reason why many of us are afraid of our humanity. A little conflict and a little discomfort is a good thing. They say our greatest gurus are the ones who wind us up the most. They are the ones we learn most from and help us grow. Without some discomfort and conflict in our lives, nothing really significant happens.
In other words, pull the rug out from under folks once in a while, but quickly give them a chair to sit on. Give people something meaningful to think about or to do, give them words to express what they didn't know they knew and help them see a little more clearly, understand a little more deeply and live a little more authentically. Helping others see the value of the abundant "humanness" already all in and around them, makes you pretty attractive -- in a human way.
4. Make emotions and feelings your best buddies and allies. Most people when they are faced with emotions and feelings - their own or another person's -- emotionally act up (yell, scream, threaten, give ultimatums etc) or emotionally shut down (refuse to talk, suppress expression, cut off all contact or physically distance themselves). Emotions, feelings and being humanness are inseparable. You can't be human if you do not have or can't express emotions and feelings. And if you can't effectively deal with your own emotions and feelings, you can't deal with someone else's. If you can't effectively deal with someone else's emotions and feelings, you've lost the fastest way to that person's heart.
Making emotions and feelings your best buddies and allies means seeing emotions and feelings, not as "bad' or "good" but simply as a necessary attractive quality of being human. People who feel emotions deeply and express them naturally are seen as more "passionate" or "soulful" and therefore more human and more attractive.
5. Spend more energy helping others get what they want and less energy on a short-term sense of personal "gain" or "success". There is nothing wrong with working towards your goals and trying to be a better person, but if all that is draining your energy, happiness and connection with others, something is very wrong.
The key is to spend your energy where it flows and pulls you forward towards more energy, happiness and connection with others, instead of where it sets you up to exaggerate everything into something extremely wonderful or extremely dreadful than it really is.
6. Laugh at your humanness with all the foibles that go along with it and let others laugh along with you. Ease up on rigid, uptight, ass-retentive, judgemental and in-your-face spiritual quest and JUST BE -- in a light hearted way -- enjoying your day to day spirituality as it unfolds. You'll enjoy life more, you'll be more fun to be around and more people will want to be around you.
7. Last but not least, just be human -- for God's sake! I know that many of us have forgotten how that looks and feels like -- and the reality is that some of us have grown up around "superficial humanity" all our lives and we really have no reference for being "authentically human". Even some "spiritual teachers" and "enlightened gurus" who teach about "being human" make it all so "zeroxed" that it hurts to read or hear what is passed on as "natural humanness". I sometimes find myself thinking "who wants to be like that?"
That said, I personally have no one-fits-all definition for what is to be "human" but I was born and raised among people who have their "humanness" unadulterated, whole and intact and therefore can speak on this subject with credible authority. What I have observed is that these people take things less personally, and are less bothered by other people's energy, criticism, and even their praise. They are original in their ideas and actions, and because they have something "meaningful" to positively add to our collective humanity, they often live "remarkable" lives. Yet they do not think they are better than anyone else, or less than anyone else and have no need to try to be somebody else or pretend to be anybody else other than themselves. They live their lives "over with Self" and "beyond the worries of life." And THAT makes them most attractive -- to others as well as to themselves.
Knowing the essence of being human is the measure of inner beauty. That's sexy!
About the Author: Yangki Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Dating Confidence/Relationships Coach who has devoted her life to the blending of indispensable age-old wisdom with modern realities into a prescription for passion, vitality, balance and effortlessness. Her thought-provoking message of conscious intentionality offers singles new, realistic and stimulating insights to rediscovering the mysteries and eternal beauty of men - women sexual relationships.
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