A part of me feels seriously weird about writing this.
After all, I'm pretty much the guy who tells you to IGNORE the marketing hook that says "It's not your fault."
Feeling like a victim (and subsequently acting like one) is decidedly NOT the way to improvewith women or in any other area, for that matter. A "Big Four" man takes responsibility and makes things happen rather than waiting for things to happen TO him.
But all of that said, there's another angle to all of this.
Sometimes when we hang out with a particular woman and things don't end well for us, it's easy to blame ourselves for the "dating disaster"especially given the prevailing societal message that women are to be placed on a pedestal and men are generally lousy at "behaving themselves".
I'm sure you've felt that awkward twinge during a date and asked yourself, "Is it meor her?" Just about all of us as guys have been there before.
Well here's the deal: Sometimes IT REALLY IS HER. And no, "it's not your fault".
So here we go, a light-hearted (read: "dust off your sense of humor") look at six classic examples of "dates gone wrong" where you can feel absolutely free to leave the scene of the infraction feeling like an innocent man:
1) The "Hidden Agenda"
As a man, you absolutely should show up for a meeting with a woman having thought out a schedule.
Obviously it helps if you've paid attention ahead of time and figured out what kind of things she may like. Extra points if you've got her security and overall comfort level with you in mind all the while.
High quality women generally like it this way.
But sometimes, a certain woman will come along who wants to throw the proverbial "wrench in the works".
You show up and-surprise-she has her little sister tagging along.
You agree to meet for drinks. Then suddenly she announces she's hungry and suggests you move to a restaurantwhere she orders the most expensive item on the menu only to have "forgotten her purse".
When she agrees to a date with you and then fails to "respect the expected" in terms of the plan, don't feel bad about failing to yield.
Reasonable adjustments for good cause? (e.g. she's allergic to Starbucks) That's fine. But when you feel like you're getting played by the "switcheroo", not so much.
2) Single Sided Conversation
By now you've heard me suggest that getting a woman to talk about herself is a great way to keep conversation from falling flat. Typically, you should be able to ask an open ended question or two and expect things to roll rather easily from there.
Except sometimes you're only going to need to ask one question. Possibly even none at all.
From there she'll just start talking. And talking.
If you are on a date with a woman and can't get a friggin' word in edgewise with a crowbar, don't feel the need to be a martyr over it.
Dudewomen talk about "communication" all the time. If she dominates the conversation to the point where you're just dumbfounded to the point of dizziness within ten minutes, then that's just "uni-munication" or something.
Often this situation results in a man feeling as if the date can't end soon enough. If ten minutes causes dizziness, a half an hour of being subjected to this kind of torture could trigger a wanton slaughter of brain cells by the millions.
Don't feel bad about ending the date in the name of salvaging your intelligence. It's okay.
3) Failure To Excite
This one is sort of the opposite of what I described above. Sometimes you can be your typical charming, easy-going and even humorous self and all you'll get in return from her is stone-faced silence
When this happens your first thought may be to work just a little harder to get her to "open up".
Well, take it from mesometimes even the "Jaws Of Life" wouldn't be enough to extract any personality from a woman like that.
You'll probably feel the dark, ominous cloud of awkwardness hanging over the situation.
Oddly, she probably won't. After all, she's perfectly used to this stuff.
Given her apparent comfort with it all, you may start to feel 1000% sure you must be messing up.
You didn't. She's simply boring you stiffless.
And that's her prerogative, I suppose. But it's yours not to ask for a second date.
Perhaps ironically, she'll probably have had a great time and be a bit disappointed. Go figure.
4) All Men Are The Same, Etc.
You are NOT her ex-boyfriend, nor are you any other guy who has done something evil to the particular woman you are with prior to you meeting her.
So you should not be expected to "pay the price" for some other guy messing up. Straight up.
If your intention is to be a "Big Four" man who treats women right, then you need not subject yourself to unreasonable expressions of jealousy, mistrust, bitterness toward men, emotional dysfunction, etc.
This holds true whether you are on your first date or 500 th , by the way.
You're not that guy, so don't let her get inside your head enough to flip a switch that causes you to start thinking you are. Move on.
5) Positively Negative
Some women hate all sorts of things. They'll spout off about co-workers, family members, the economy, politics and Britney Spears.
Maybe she even verbalizes that she expects the date you're on to go badly, or that you probably don't like her or something.
When this sort of thing is going on, that urgent need for Pepto Bismol you're feeling is perfectly natural. Don't blame yourself.
Now, you can feel free to alert such a woman that the negativity is starting to get to you. You can ask her to lighten up a little. And to your surprise, she might.
But notwithstanding that, assuming you've led with a positive approach to things, don't feel like you've inspired all this ill willlet alone deserve to endure it.
6) False Advertising
No discussion of this type would be complete without mention of the most dreaded of all online dating experiences.
You know what I mean. She's not "as advertised" when you meet her.
Listen up, guys. If a woman misrepresents herself in ANY WAY online, and you're confronted by an "elephant in the room" when your date arrives (or possibly two?) it's okay to deal with it as you see fit.
Anyone who misrepresents him or herself online is going to have to learn the hard lesson that one cannot generally get away with it once the real-life meetings start happening.
So if you want to respectfully end the date then and there in such a situation, go for it. All I'd ask is that you not completely BLAST the woman.
Sure, she wasn't exactly honest. But then again, you should read the e-mails we get from people whose entire self-image has been in the gutter for a full decade or more because of ONE BAD EXPERIENCE.
The date isn't going to end well, but don't CRUSH the woman like an aluminum can. That's both unreasonable and unnecessary.
Just tell her that having met her you were expecting someone a bit different and that you think someone else will appreciate her better than you will. Nuff said.
If you have planned a "date with a deadline", which you ALWAYS should when meeting someone for the first time, you may actually benefit from going through with the date and learning what you can from it with regard to how to relate to women, etc.
But whatever you do, don't let her manipulate you into a second date. If you aren't attracted to her, it is what it is. You're not a "bad guy" because of it.
I'm sure some of these made you smile, either because you can relate or because, well, you've got to find humor in certain situations in order to effectively survive them.
But each of the half-dozen points I shared are ones that Emily actually harps on quite a bit with the women she writes to. Rest assured, there's something to them.
So be on the lookout for these situations, realize that women don't necessarily all have honorary doctorates in "dating science", and give yourself a break.
Oh, and WHATEVER YOU DO, make sure YOU'RE not the perpetrator of any of these faux pasthat is if you even realize you're doing so.
