Jane (not her real name) was sobbing when she came to see me. She is upset that her boyfriend of two months had break off with her. She thinks her overweight size causes the break off. I am so fat and can never slim down! Why would any guy ever want to go out with me? Everyone hates me! Jane felt really sad and wished she could disappear from earth. She stayed indoors off work and refused to go out at all.
This is one of the common problems that happen in relationship. Some may have thought the easy way is to get Jane to lose weight, doll herself up or prep up her self-confidence. It may works on the surface but that is really treating the symptoms of the problems.
What Jane may not realised is the way she said things to herself after the break off. Unconsciously, she has developed a negative style in interpreting the bad event, rendering her feeling helpless towards the situation.
Firstly, the bad event (relationship break off) happens because of her solely. It was "personal" (she).She took all the blame. Secondly, she labels the situation as permanent (everyone, any guy, never slim down). Lastly, she allows one single event to affect other parts of her life as well.(stay indoors)
It is natural to feel momentarily helpless when we encountered a negative event. Some of us bounce back quite fast after a bad event while others took a very long time. The way we interpret the bad event determines how fast will we recover and pursue our next relationship or stay bitter and helpless throughout.
There are several methods that Jane could use to resolve her relationship problems:
1.
Questioning : Instead of accepting what has happened as the truth, she needs to question herself Could there be something else that causes the break off? She recalls they quarrelled often over trivial matters and she often gives in to him. There were a few instances where he stood her up for their dates and he did not apologize at all. He was not that serious into her. The signs were there.
2.
Detective work Wear the cap of Sherlock Holmes and start investigating for evidence about her belief. The last medical check up shows that she is slightly overweight, with proper nutrition and exercise, she will be OK. She has the medical record to prove. How could she forget that she has also recently signed up for a gym membership and committed to a new workout program with the coach? Again, it isn't right to say she will not be able to slim down.
3.
Multiple causes Take a step back and rationalise the situation objectively. Is her size the sole cause of the break off? Jane knew dating a guy 5 years younger would mean they may have differences in thinking and wants in life. She recalled they had argued on and off due to different ways of looking at things and sometimes, she finds him a little childish for her.
4.
So.......what ? So Jane has broken off with the guy but that does not stop her from becoming a social hermit. Conversely, she should get out more and make new friends! Grieving is fine but there must be a timeline set to it. After the time, move on. It is crucial to compartmentalise this bad event as one single event and not let it spread to other parts of her life. It serves no purpose.
5.
What's in it for me ? Jane is catastrophizing the matter that nobody will date her and not able to slim down are unfounded worries. While she cannot control the bad event from happening, she is capable of managing her own response towards it. That is crucial. Self-blaming herself exclusively for the cause does her no good, emotionally and psychologically.
If Jane consciously practised the above steps, she will be able to avoid a future relationship relapse. Often, people jump into another relationship shortly after they broke off with their partner. Pain is too much to bear loneliness, fear, repressed anger, sense of insecurity, etc. They build a false hope, thinking the next guy/gal will be different and treat them better. Many times, they are disappointed and without some form of intervention, they kept repeating the mistake again and again. Love is such a wonderful thing for all to enjoy and experience. For anyone to stay sideline and lick your own wounds when it is not your fault is both an opportunity costs and pessimistic way of dealing with problems.
If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well, this isn't too bad. I don't have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of "Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!" ~Lemony Snicket Desmond is the Founder of Inner Joy Coaching Company, a Relationship Coaching firm that helps people to discover their inner beauty and identify roadblocks that prevents them from creating a lasting and joyful relationship. He has helped singles, couples and parents from all walks of life using combined skills in Neuro Linguistic Programming, life coaching, motivation techniques and Enneagram transformational tool. He lives in one of the safest country in the world, sunny Singapore with his lovely wife and adorable son. You may reach him at
happinside@gmail.com for individual/group sessions, email coaching, speaking arrangements and workshops.
