Life in Hidey Hole Hollow is usually so boring I can't stand it, but I recently made a discovery about something so secretive you may never hear from me again once I reveal this to you.
I'm sure you've heard of Area 51 in Nevada. It is not part of the conventional military as we know it. It instead appears to be used during the development, testing, and training phases for new aircraft. It is also used by U. S. agencies such as the CIA once the test planes have been approved for use. Groom Lake is also reported to be the permanent home for a small number of Soviet-designed aircraft which are analyzed and used for training purposes.
It is also the secret' underground military base that is claimed to house space ships from other planets and other star systems that have landed or crashed to Earth. Apparently, they're all thought to be transported to Area 51, also called Groom Lake, Paradise Ranch or Watertown Strip, to enable our military to reverse engineer these space ships to help our country understand how they can travel through the universe at unbelievable speeds and maneuver in ways we haven't even imagined.
You probably haven't heard of Area 51 . No? You haven't? Area 51 is in Cistern County, not far from Hidey Hole Hollow. I'm not at liberty to divulge to you exactly where it is because then I'd have to kill you. I stumbled upon it by accidentwell, sort of.
There has been some strange goings on here lately. Oh, I know exactly what you're thinking. Strange happenings in Hidey Hole Hollow; I must have misunderstood. Yes, I know it's hard to believe what with the residents here all being so normal and all, but true nonetheless.
An old timer once told me the last time there was any excitement, confusion or commotion in Cistern County was the big flood of 1902. That, my friend is because he, like most residents of Cistern County are not aware of the secret I know.
Considering there's no overt airport in Cistern County, there's been an unusual amount of air traffic near Hidey Hole Hollow recently. This piqued my interest and you know me, once my interest feelers get riled, I HAVE to get an answer. Why, you ask? Well, when you go from planes flying so high up in the sky that all you can see is their contrail and you can barely hear them to having several military C130s and even more Chinook helicopters flying over so low that you can see the pilot's faces, it does raise an eyebrow or two.
I desperately wanted to find out why we're being deluged with all this tree top air traffic, so I emailed some contacts I still have in Northern Virginia.
After several emails back and forth and everybody denying any knowledge of what's going on up here, I received the email I was anticipating. It was from one of my oldest and dearest friends, Tweezer. She works at the Pentagon and her husband, Unibrow works for the CIA.
Tweezer said it took two weeks for her to get Unibrow to spill the beans, so to speak, but here's the info as it was given to me, or at least what I'm allowed to pass on to you.
It seems there's an almost mountainous area somewhere in Cistern County, approximately 43 acres (somewhat smaller than the 4,600 square miles of the original Area 51), called Dead Stump Hill, that was purchased by the U. S. government in the 1940s. About 15 years ago government contractors with top secret clearance were hired to bore out the hills and make hallways and rooms underground, about one mile deep. In addition, there is a runway 11,526 feet long that accepts the landing of all these low-flying military planes and helicopters that I see flying around here. (Area 51 has seven runways, the longest, now closed, is 23,000 ft not including stopway.)
One thing I'd like you to understand is that when you hire workers from Cistern County, you have to expect some minor slip ups. I know that probably comes as a surprise to you, but yes, it's true. These guys are not used to working up to the government top secret standards. The project took just a little longer than expected10 years longer.
It seems they ran into some enigmas from the very beginning. The surveying wasn't going very well because even though the site was supposed to be secret', people kept stopping by to watch and visit. Wives and girlfriends would also stop by to bring lunch and say, "hey", to their loves. Once that little tidbit got back to D.C., it was decided the solution to the problem would be to do the surveying under the cover of darkness. All of the surveyors were equipped with the newest in infrared equipment. It was a challenge even teaching them to use the equipment, but eventually they got the hang of it. It seems every time they started to work at night using their infrared equipment, they were attacked by wandering packs of coyotes. They had to get the job done though so the government provided them with armed guards equipped with night scopes. Problem solved.
Once the excavating work began, there were plenty of other issues to overcome; underground streams, old barbed wire and electric fences, pockets of sand and even a mamma skunk, trying to protect her babies, but in spite of all of that, laser equipment was brought in that could drill a tunnel seven miles long in one day.
In an attempt to pump some money into the local economy, a local blacksmith was engaged to build an engine to pull the train of wagons, loaded with stones, through the underground tunnels. As it turns out, the blacksmith didn't have a lot of schooling (no one asked), so he miscalculated the power the engine would need to pull the train through the tunnels. Oopsie! It turned out to be the little engine that couldn't.
The blacksmith then decided to build an engine as big as a locomotive and solve the problem once and for all. That engine it seems was too big to make it through the initial tunnels. It was decided to just thank the blacksmith for his efforts, pay him and buy the right-sized engine and have it delivered here.
Anyway, problem after problem arose, and each problem was dealt with and solved. We now have our secret underground base. It is rumored the tunnels are now 50 feet in diameter with chambers as much as 100 feet high. There are chain-link security fences surrounding the facility that carry a lethal electrical charge.
The government tried to put local folks to work as security guards, but had to let two of them go when Oscar Bumps and Hannibal Crook continued to have spitting contests in the direction of the fence even after being warned.
Entrance to the facility is through secure blast doors built into the hillside.
Until very recently armed guards in Jeeps patrolled the perimeter 24/7. As the story goes, due to the economy and lack of interest in the base by the locals, they've let the guards go and let technology take over. I think it might have had something to do with the guards falling asleep and some local teenagers knocking on the front door' of the facility, but what do I know?
Unibrow says he's been told the facility contains apartments, streets and sidewalks, at least one cafeteria, a hospital, a water purification system, power plant and offices, a small lake, fed by fresh water underground springs and a high tech communications system.
It sounds like a perfect vacation spot to me. How can I get reservations?
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