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When your children are not yet teenagers they rely on you for nearly everything. They come to you for help with their problems. They ask for permission before taking off with a friend. They need you to a great degree.
Yes, there are always some exceptions but, generally speaking, your child is much more likely to closely follow mom and dad's rules in their younger years.
Sometimes their need for us can become a little draining but overall we also feel a strong connection with our children in the preteen years.
The Teenage Quest for Independence
When your child enters the teenage years you may notice a shift in how much they come to you for help.
Little things they once wanted your help with, or opinion on, may slowly (or abruptly) fade away from being presented to you.
Other times you may notice your teenager very much would like you to be involved... up to a point. For example, he may want you to give him some money (and when he's a little older lend him your car). She may ask you to buy some munchies, rent some movies and let 3 of her closest friends stay the night.
However, you will often find that is where your involvement is expected to end. It's something like this (in a son's mind): give me the money (and lend the car to me) and don't worry about what I'm doing with the money (or the car). I'll give you general information in a kind of round about way... the information I want you to know. The facts I feel comfortable you can handle.
It might also go something like this (in your daughter's mind): buy some munchies (look! I even made a list for you!), rent some movies (here's another list - I made this so easy for you!), drive over and pick up my 3 friends (because you know there is nothing more enjoyable than having 4 teenage girls in the car giggling and talking non-stop or if maybe we'll just text each other on our cell phones and you won't even need to hear us except for an occasional "oh my god!"), let us have the basement or the living room and then, and this is extremely important, you all need to stay away. You understand, right? I mean we can't have mom and dad and little brother and sister hanging around. This is my time with my friends.
Something like that. I imagine as a parent the odds are pretty high that you can relate to what I am saying.
While it may not be easy to see at first glance. These teens in the examples above are truly trying to be independent. They do that by only asking their parents to do the things they cannot do themselves. Of course, this is often perceived by us as them wanting us to give and give and then get out of the way. There might be a little truth to that, but perhaps not for the reason(s) we are thinking.
Positive discipline for teenagers begins with a parents understanding of what is going on with their child.
Teenage Privacy Issues
Later that night you may inquire about your son's night out. Nothing too serious. Just a simple "how'd it go and what'd you do?" and depending on your son's temperament you may get an response ranging from "everything was sweet!" to "why do you never trust me? why do you always need to control every little thing about me?"
The following morning you may ask your daughter if they had fun. Again, you may hear something like "it was really awesome! we had such a great time!" or you may hear something a little more like "we didn't do anything wrong! we just watched movies and talked!"
Some teenagers seem to feel a stronger need for privacy than others. That makes perfect sense because we're all different. They also feel there is no need in parents knowing all of the actual details of what went on. Do they really need to know the girls called a couple boys and for about 15 minutes they joked about the boys sneaking over? Of course not! That is exactly the kind of thing parents cannot handle. They make such a big deal out of everything.
So, we can see in these examples some of the ways teenagers begin to act out their desire to become more independent. They cannot do a lot of things and that can be quite frustrating to them. So the things they can do they tend to do a lot of. This includes deciding what is "safe" to be shared with mom and dad.
Gary Benjamin has four children. He understands the challenges today's parents face.
Disclaimer: All information on this site is provided for informational purposes only! By no means is any
information presented herein intended to substitute for the advice provided to you by any health care or other professional
or organization.
